[zooyorkcity]

So, my girlfriend is 20 and I'm 22 (we have been goig out for about 3 years).. I have been staying over her house (she lives w/ her grandmother) for about a year or so on the weekdays because its close to my job. Her grandmother never had a problem with it. I would pay her monthly for the utlities I used (like water, etc...) In fact, I know that she likes me and I totally respect her as well. However, recently, she has had a problem with me sleeping with her grand-daughter in the same bed because it is against her Christian beliefs. She didn't know how to tell this to me, so my girlfriend's Aunt had to basically bring it to my attention. Even my girlfriend's father knows about this (and he is pretty religious as well) but he has not confronted me about it yet.

Basically, this all happened right before we planned to tell them that we are about to move out together in about a month. Now, my girlfriend feels that her family is going to be very upset about us living/sleeping together before we are married. So, she has been pushing me to get married. Personally, I feel like I'm getting pressured into marriage because of her family. I have no doubt that I want to marry her, but I want it to be more special and ofcourse I have absolutely no money for a wedding right now. I told her I wouldn't mind just going to city hall to get married, but I just feel like I want something more special than that. I can't even afford a ring right now!

At the same time, I completely respect her family and I don't want to get on their bad side. Everything has been so perfect up until now. I don't know what to do. Any advice?

[bab]

This is a tough situation. You are exactly right. This decision is yours and your gf's, not her family's. On the other hand, respect is a big issue, and you are right in taking that into consideration. Just taking that into account will help with them in the possibly life long relationship you are about to embark on.

It's possible that they found it disrespectful that you would sleep together under her grandmother's roof, but feel like it's up to you to decide what goes on under yours. On the other hand, they might just flip out anyway.

Something that might help. I know you say that you aren't ready to get married right now, and can't afford an engagement ring. You are definitely right not to propose just to get her family off your back. That is certainly not a smart move. You say that you want to marry her eventually, just not now. Also smart as the two of you are still young and have plenty of time for marriage. What about a promise ring? I usually think they are silly, but in this circumstance might be very appropriate.

Good luck!

[zooyorkcity]

Thanks for the advice! I was thinking a promise ring may be a great idea...

On another note, what does everyone think of living together before marriage? I've read a lot about it increasing the chance of divorce and all that. What are your honest opinions?

[tikigods]

I think that even if you want to marry someone down the line, its not good to be pressured into marrying them when you aren't ready.

As for living together, really when it comes to marriage statistic a lot of them you need to really read the fine print, some of those are based on people living together never with the intention to be married in teh first place. My own personal expereince is I lived with my now husband for wow, 2 years before we got married (closer to 3) and we are still going strong, in fact everyone I know that lived together before getting married is in a nice loving relationship.

Its a great way to really get to know the person you want to spend the rest of your life with since you get to see them when they dont have their gaurds up, and there is no other place they can go to

[blind_otter]

I got married to my exH under pressure from my family. They also had a thing about us living together, unless we were engaged already. So we got engaged and that was a HUGE mistake. Obviously since we're now divorced.

Promise rings are cool, as long as you have clearly established that it's NOT an engagement ring. I've had a few female friends who consider their promise ring to be akin to an engagement ring. With this kinda situation it's better to OVERexplain, rather than no explain enough.

Thank you all.. This is some helpful advice..

[catgirl1927]

I have a lot of good friends that will give you the "buy the cow" analogy, but as I am not a cow I do not feel bound by that.

I reject the notion that living together leads to divorce. I think making decisions for the wrong reasons or being selfish and not working at your marriage leads to divorce.

You guys have to do what's right for you. If she doesn't want to live together, then you will just have to live apart. Don't be pressured into marriage. Her family aren't the ones who'll have to be in the marriage, so it's really none of their business how or when it happens.

[Elyssa]

I don't see how living together before marriage should increase the chances of divorce. If anything, it should lower them!

When you're going out with somebody for years, you may think you know them, but it ALL changes once you get together under the same roof and share a day-to-day life together. You get to know them in ways you could never have before...and some of what you find out, you might not like.

Some cases are bad enough to make one of the two people involves re-think their marriages alltogether.

This marriage & divorce could've been prevented by living together for a period of time before taking the final step.

I don't think it's bad for a relationship, in fact, I see it as a beneficial thing.

-E

[zooyorkcity]

I agree with you 100%, however, I just did a simple search on Google for "living together before marriage" and was shocked at all the research that suggests it increases the chance of divorce and cheating...