i wrote a few days ago and i got a pretty cold reply from tony.he didnt tell me anything i didnt already know but i didnt want to admit.i thought i could make an uncaring man care about me. i made him leave yesterday.after all the death threats and name calling, he still wants to be with his daughter.how am i supposed to go about this.i cant go through court because i want to spend every holiday with her.i also feel like im missing something. i have always had someone to be close to and even all my friends have made a life for themselves somewhere else. im lonely and scared. ive tried to make him leave beforeand he would come and kick the door in after a long night of drinking.any suggestions.

[Tony T]

I profusely apologize for giving you what you felt was some cold advice.

I truly understand the pain and loneliness you are going through now but it doesn't last. You have only one life to live and look at this as the golden opportunity that it is to find a relationship that is truly healthy and fulfilling.

Nobody ever said this love stuff was easy...but we CAN make it easier by the decisions we make based on good judgement.

I am proud that you made him leave after he made death threats. That was a wise and rational thing to do.

As for your daughter and her interaction with your ex and how that should be conducted, I strongly urge to to call a social service agency in your locality. Explain the situation in detail, and ask them for advice.

I personally take death threats very seriously and I hope you do to. This is not a man I would want around a child of mine. But the social service workers are far better qualified to evaluate your particular situation and give you advice based on their findings than anyone here may be based on a brief post.

With regards to feeling alone, we all go through that. It's just a part of the process you are going through. If you try to bypass this phase of healing by packing someone else into your life, you'll be sorry. In time, you will actually relish the time you have to yourself to do things you want to do without the pressures of having to deal with someone else who is abusive and uncaring.

Again, I apologize for seeming cold...but I promise you I really do care about the people I give advice to. And my points of view are there only to be considered with everyone elses, which often are far better than mine.

[Tony T]

I just re-read my answer to your earlier post. While it may have been pretty rigid, I think it was exactly what you needed to see just what kind of terrible situation you were in. I stand by it totally and if I had to answer the same post again, I would do it pretty much the same way.

It is very hard to give advice here, not being able to ask questions and not knowing the background and family history of the person. So it becomes a very intuitive thing and we just do the best we can. Posters have the freedom to take the advice or leave it.

There are so many people who are in highly abusive or dysfunctional relationships of all sorts who would not react at all to any advice unless it was strong, harsh, and to the point. Sadly, there are people who are told by friends all the time just how abusive and awful their relationship are and they stay in them and throw away the best times of their lives.

Even more sad are the millions of people who grew up in terrible family situations and now believe daily verbal and physical abuse is "just the way it's supposed to be" and they remain in it all the days of their lives.

THE ABSOLUTE, MOST TERRIBLE, WORST, MOST DEBILITATING CASE OF LONELINESS...IS NOT EVEN A FRACTION AS BAD AS A TERRIBLE, ABUSIVE, NASTY RELATIONSHIP, ESPECIALLY WHERE DEATH THREATS ARE INVOLVED.