[DaisyBelle]

Hey all,

My dad sent me the following email last summer. I wrote back a few weeks later telling him I'd respect his wishes and not contact him again, which I haven't. Over the holidays, I arranged a pizza party and invited various friends and family members, but didn't invite my dad because he had told me not to contact him. My cousin then told me that my dad was miffed because he wasn't invited!?? What?!

My dad seems to be nice to everyone but his family. People tell me how great he is and about all these nice things he's done for them and I think, wow, I wish I knew that side of him.

I've lived away from "home" for half of my life now and my dad has never once come to visit me. I could understand this when I lived overseas, but then even when I lived an hour away from him, he never visited. Yet somehow I'm the one who's "not making the effort" in his view.

I'm confused as to how I'm the bad guy in this and why a parent would badmouth a child like this. I'm educated and independent and think I'm a good daughter.

I don't know what to make of this whole situation, but it's been brewing for some time. I think the ignition point was when my husband of eight months left me and my dad told me he wanted his money back from the wedding (he had given me $5000 for wedding expenses). I tried to explain that I had about $6000 in debt from my ex-husband and the ex had taken the wedding gifts, etc. and I didn't have the money. So suddenly I was getting divorced and dealing with the worst year of my life, and my birthday comes & goes without a call from my dad. It really hurt not to have his support during that time.

Where did I go wrong with this? Have other people had this experience? I'm surprisingly at ease with not ever talking to my dad again, which is...kinda weird. Why would a parent do this??

Here's his email-

From: "Allan"
Subject: Date: Mon, 01 Aug 2005 17:55:58 -0500

You want to know why we never returned your calls, where were we suppose to call and if we didnt return the calls you left at the house why didnt you call our cell phones? Not hard to figure this out is it.

When we found out you were coming home [to Midwest] [stepmom] Nancy took two days of vacation so we could spend some time together. The next thing we know with short notice is [aunt] annie is picking up at the airport and not your IMMEDIATE family Thanks

Then we realized you were staying at [aunt] annies house and never told us about this either. I guess this was so you could go bike riding, walking their really big dog and go boating. Sorry we dont have these things to fullfill your lifestyle.

And now you say you left us messages, ya you did but to only tell us what YOU were doing and not to say you were coming home. Well you do not have a home here from the time you walked the door sunday moring so you could go boating You lost that privialge. YOU are not welcome here.

You can stay with your aunt or someone else who seems to keep your interest.

I thought I was your father but I guesss I was wrong about. I always talked about with love and pride that too is gone.

You live in your own little world, your numerous trips to your marine [boyfriend at the time] in fla. and parents [Mom & Stepdad] down there.

I can manage without you

So do not call, write or email us in the future.

Al

[quankanne]

sounds like daddy dear feels threatened by the "competition" he perceives in his relationship with you, but it's a very normal response.

if you are mentally strong enough to do this, practice tough love with him. Every time he rants, rails or kvetches about your behavior, nip it in the bud. "Aunt Annie" picking you up from the airport and you staying with her? Explain why, but don't offer any excuses or trip over yourself trying to assuage his hurt feelings – if it was because your plane came in at a bad time and you didn't feel it right to pull him away from work or out of bed or just didn't want to expose him to driving through bad traffic to get to the airport, say so. Let him know that the decision (if it was) was based on trying to make things easier for him.

that when you spend time with your mom it's because she's your mom and your her daughter. Not because you're trying to punish him, etc.

that he didn't get an invitation to your get-together because he already washed his hands of you. That if he was interested in being on decent terms with you, he needs to say so, otherwise you are not a mind-reader when it comes to y'alls relationship.

basically, you've got to be the adult here and cut short any temper tantrums he's going to want to throw because he's feeling thwarted. And he does this because he knows he can get away with treating you badly.

he probably will not like a change in your relationship with him at first when you start treating it like an adult-to-adult relationship, but he's going to get the picture that he either shapes up and starts treating that relationship respectfully or he loses out.

it's a hard thing to have to advise someone, especially when you want to be the obedient son or daughter, but the playing field changes when you become an adult. I've had this same battle with my dad, and we've had some heated conversations, but what's helped is that we both have done our best to let the other see that the door is still open despite our differences.

best of luck to you, and stay strong.