We met in the summer and our affair started in December and in these past couple of months things have moved quickly. He saw a lawyer this week and is waiting for the separation papers to come back. He is looking for another place to live (lives and works 2 hours from me) We speak on the phone min. 2x a day and discuss EVERYTHING including our future together. For some reason I feel like the other shoe is about to drop but don't know why I feel this way. Everything I wanted to happen, is happening. I didn't think I would feel this way so fast - neither of us thought it would move this quickly but it is, naturally progressing at a speed neither can control. My question is, will it really work out for us...? I mean, who does it ever work out for? I read about this stuff and it's all negative including the fact that our future looks dismal. We both decided we would like to go to counselling together to deal with this and make a fresh start. Can anyone answer or advise?
Karis
I've been reading message boards for YEARS - OW boards, BS boards, relationship boards, etc. etc. and predominantly the pattern has always been that a man leaves his wife only to go back. It seems fairly rare when one leaves and STAYS gone.
That's my one big caveat - that it's never over til the fat lady sings, as they say. Some men leave their wives, persue relationships with their OW's, then run back home 3 weeks, 3 months, and sometimes a YEAR later. Then they start the vicious cycle all over again by eventually once again leaving their wives and families and going back to the OW - only to repeat this again and again. Eventually, someone in the triangle finally puts an end to it because he can't seem to do so himself. It would seem that overlying all emotion and all desire a man may have to change his situation, he has an even stronger sense of responsibility to his wife and family. This seems to override everything else he may want or desire. I've just seen it replayed over and over and over in so many different situations.
Along with the freedom of leaving, a man takes WITH him a sense of failure for having let down his wife and/or family. He doesn't want to look like the 'bad' guy to his friends, family, coworkers and neighbors. He also takes with him a fear of the unknown. He's now leaving his comfort zone for parts unknown. Will he succeed? Will it blow up in his face? Will he regret having left? Will the devil that he doesn't know be better than the devil that he does know?
He also faces a change in his financial situation. It may be a long time before he can own a home once again. A good portion of his paycheck will now be going to child support (assuming he has kids). A portion may also go to his wife if maintenance is established. Suddenly, he'll see a big change in his financial stability - to say nothing of what he loses when he leaves if he let's his wife and kids stay in the house, etc. All depending upon his final financial agreement, he could see a huge drop in his financial solvency. Every situation is different, but when a man is looking at losing his financial status, that usually sends them into a tailspin.
The biggest piece of advice I can give you is let him mourn the marriage once he's left. Men tend to want to race right past this step and get right into the next 'comfort zone' without doing the difficult work of mentally and emotionally letting go of their marriage and old life. He needs to do this. Alone. I can almost guarantee you that if he leaves his wife's house and goes right to yours and bypasses the mourning period, you're doomed. Make him do his work. Dont' be a soft place to land. That only delays the inevitable down the road.
This path you're about to take is fraught with road bumps. Be on the lookout for them and never lose sight of the big picture. Good luck to you.
Men divorce and leave their wives every day. 60% divorce rate... the one thing that seems to hold the men with their wives that they don't love anymore is the children. It gets too complicated when chlidren and lots of money is involved. So does he have children?
Thank you for that response. I am going to print it off.
He was in town last night and this morning at his sisters house and I saw him briefly last night and this morning. We had a terrible "break" due to me saying I needed the face to face time with him in order to sustain the daily phone chats. He wanted to rush home to speak with a brother - to make arrangements to move in there until he sells his marital home which he says is going up for sale immediately when the paperwork is in order from the lawyers. The separation papers are getting picked up Tuesday.
I have told him my main fear is exactly what you said - going back to her, in a month, a year or whatever. When we last spoke this am that was a topic, and he INSISTS this is dead and has been and the only thing he is dealing with now is the guilt over being a failure. I say there must be love involved somewhere, but am told repeatedly no. He says his conversation with his sister last night makes the light even clearer than it was already.
He has 2 kids, age 2 & 4.
He wants to move out, serve her, sell his home and buy another to live in on his own until the divorce comes through. Once the divorce comes through he wants to use that house as income property - buy another one with me and marry.
Do I cut off all contact? For how long? Do I let him know I will be here when all is said and done? Or do I just leave it the way it is now, not speaking and neither of us knowing what we are doing...
He says he is doing this regardless and if he has to let me go he will. He says he hopes that when the door opens at the end I will be there. But he prefer I am here, now and we go through it together...with counselling.
Thanks again for your response. You are exactly the person I need advise from as you seem to have a lot of knowledge.
IMO, this is moving way too quickly. You started an affair barely 3 months ago...and now you are planning marriage? I would worry about the risk that he may be relying on you just for support and comfort while he leaves his marriage. This could even be unconscious on his part. As seenitall says, men do crave/need the security of a female partner. As he leaves one, the need for another one arises. That need can fade away almost as quickly as it arose.
Please do keep in mind that you need to make all your own choices and decisions without regard for his issues - completely different from a normal r/s where you would take both his and your concerns into account. This is the case because the MM who claims to be exiting a marriage is a very high risk potential partner. Please look at his actions, NOT his words, and keep in mind that even if he "leaves his wife for you", you should feel 100% free to walk away at any time.
Good luck, I hope you manage your life well.
__________________ Heavily medicated for your safety.
Hi,
Thanks for your response - Just to let you know, I am not one to jump into things quickly, always been the one to THINK it through properly. Especially as I have a child and don't feel bringing men around is a good choice for him.
This hit me like a ton of bricks and I am struggling with my morals big time. Never a believer in affairs and here i am in the middle of one.
His actions instead of his words are what is keeping me involved. He says exactly what is on his mind and his actions back those statements up every time.
I have conveyed that leaving should not be because of me as I have not guaranteed I will be there. I have refused to "commit" to him in any sense of the word and have made it clear I will not do so until he can commit to me. He has decided that if I am seeing others to keep it to myself.
I DO appreciate these comments from you all as I need a hard sharp look at this situation.
I moved this quickly only one other time in my life and it was with my son's father...many years ago. I was always the one slowing things down.
you can only figure that time will show you how it will pan out.
he has small children - so he will be tied to the mother FOREVER - can you handle that and be reasonable with all of them, even if the ex is mean to you?
you sound as if you might be young (under 30?) take things slow, nobody says you have to rush into anything.
if it is meant to work out then you will have the reat of your life with him...
if nothing else - ask LucreziaBorgia, she is a master and a wizard at assessing these situations! i am being serious!
be patient honey, no need to hurry, his head is full of emotion and nothing good comes from that.
He wants to move out, serve her, sell his home and buy another to live in on his own until the divorce comes through. Once the divorce comes through he wants to use that house as income property - buy another one with me and marry.
sell "his" home? not "their" home?
Is he planning to be the custodial parent? If not, where will his wife and two small children live? Is this not a concern for him?
I have read a statistic once that said, while it is not the norm for a man to leave his marriage and marry his girlfriend, of those that do, it (divorce) occurs within the first year. Not to give you false hope, but you do have that on your side. (I guess the opposite is the scenario that drags on for years and years with promises to leave that never materializes)
I wish I remember where exactly I read that so I could quote it right.
Although, the flip side (since I like to look at all angles & try to be objective), the beginning is also when the parties are not thinking as rationally about all the ramifications.
Last edited by Blind Illusion; 4th March 2006 at 7:48 PM..
if you believe his hoo-ey that's 'HE"S' goind to sell the house, blahblah. " And that this will be 'over with' in a matter of weeks.
As a matrimonail lawyer, NO JUDGE will allow that immediately, ESPECIALLY if there are children involved. The decision to sell the house is NOT HIS. It's his, his wife's, and the court's.
Things ARE moving fast. Slow it down, no more sex until the papers are signed and it's a done deal. Work on the friendship part of your relationship because if you don't, it won't last. I could be wrong but, I don't understand how one can divorce and then get into another relationship so fast.
Also, his kids are his LIFE too. And his exwife WILL be part of his life forever as well. Be prepared for that. Be prepared to be stepmom to his kids, just as he'll be stepdad to your child.
Don't put any expectations on him or give him advice on how to handle his wife now, or anything. Stay out of it completely. Then when it's all done, some time has passed when he's been on his own - THEN you two get together and see if things will work.
[quote=whichwayisup]Things ARE moving fast. Slow it down, no more sex until the papers are signed and it's a done deal. Work on the friendship part of your relationship because if you don't, it won't last.
I have a lot to think about, that's a given. I am not that young as one of the posters pointed out and ordinarily have a good head on my shoulders. I'm a professional and like I said, don't normally jump into things. I appreciate the fact that you took my question seriously as this is a confusing time for me. I believe HE thinks things are gonna be a smooth ride. I don't however, which is why I'm here.
p.s. - ....there isn't a whole lot of sex going on...we are friends...we talk. A lot.
I would definatley be careful with this. Three months is way too early to be changing your whole life for someone. I think you know what you need to do. I would give it more time before either of you decide anything about the future. Enjoy the time you have together and use it to get to know each other better.
I misread, I didn't realize it had only been 3 months.
So, I have to really say BE CAREFUL because for him, what if this is a 'the grass is greener on the other side of the fence" feeling right now. I mean, what if he is about ready to divorce and then he wakes up and realizes wtf am I DOING to my wife and children???
Also, jumping in so fast only after 3 months is INSANE. So yeah, definately back off and let him sort this out. If you do love him and he decides to stay at home with his wife and children, be happy for him. Because if this is a thrill, a crush and sex all rolled into one with you - He is in for a rude surprise and will be full of regret at some point in the near future. I'm sorry to sound harsh but I think YOU need to slow it down and tell him to really think about what he wants for sure. Remember, him doing this to his wife, and meeting you - And then wanting to divorce so quickly - He can do the exact same thing to you too in the future. Keep that in the back of your head...Just how your relationship with him started out...
Hate to add this in, but I have to...When his wife finds out (and she will) she'll probably do everything in her power to not let him go. More because of their young children. He could change his mind and realize how much he DOES infact love her and not leave. So, be prepared for it all.
Last edited by whichwayisup; 5th March 2006 at 12:01 AM..
I mean, what if he is about ready to divorce and then he wakes up and realizes wtf am I DOING to my wife and children???
Hate to add this in, but I have to...When his wife finds out (and she will) she'll probably do everything in her power to not let him go. More because of their young children. He could change his mind and realize how much he DOES infact love her and not leave. So, be prepared for it all.[/quote]
...you are saying the exact things I say to him. He is the one saying no, no, no and pushing forward. This is the reason we discussed counselling for the two of us. Basically he has said that things were never really good and especially the last 4 years. That when he told her that he had enough she basically said "do what you have to do". I have talked to him repeatedly about her and if this is what he REALLY wants.
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