[blind_otter]

It will be seven years ago tomorrow that I was raped the second time in my life. This is the first year I will not have alcohol to numb myself. Normally by this time of the year I'm actively ****ed up on at least 4 or 5 different substances. Since that year I have not gone through this time sober. Now, I am.

Last night, genius that I am, I watched "North Country" which depicts a graphic rape scene not once, but twice. The woman in the movie was also victimized twice.

I have often wanted to get over what happened to me. I've tried everything I could. I tried not thinking about it. Distracting myself with work, studies, relationships, self-destructive habits. I've tried yoga, meditation, physical activity, breathing exercises, multiple therapists.

I've never tried acceptance, though. I hate what happened to me. I hate that I couldn't get out of the room. That I didn't sense that something was bad about this man. I should have. I have one responsibility - to protect myself. And I failed, miserably. And I Just Can't Get Over It.

I never pressed charges. I was afraid. He was a law student. I didn't want people to tell me I was lying, or trying to get attention. So I trained myself to fade away. For years I didn't even allow myself to acknowledge that anything had happened to me. I rationalized it. I said that I probably spoke too softly when I asked him to stop. Maybe he didn't hear me. I know I get unintelligible when I'm upset and crying. Maybe he thought it was normal. Maybe MY expectation was wrong.

Maybe I'm just crazy.

The thing that really messed with me was how he noticed I was upset. And he took time, 4 hours, to coach me into thinking that there was something wrong with me. He spent hours filling my head with the craziest ***** and I just sat in the middle of his bed, half naked because he wouldn't give me my clothes, feeling completely and totally numb. I just stared at him. I didn't know what to do. But I felt like, if I responded or did anything, I might get hurt. So I took it. Because I was afraid. And he took me home. I was so confused. I didn't know what to think because he had grilled me for 4 hours, telling me what to think, what to say, who to talk to. It was surreal. Because I just did what he told me to. I was like a marionette.

I wish I hadn't been afraid. That I had risked getting hurt or killed to get away from him.

That's all I have to say. I don't know what I am going to do. What should I do? I need to do something so I don't sit at home thinking about how that night changed my life forever, for the worse....