[trina]

My boyfriend and I moved in together, to a different state, when we had our son. He was working late hours, and I was alone a lot of the time with our new baby. Then, one night he didn't come home, and wouldn't pick up his phone. I thought something had happened to him on the way home from his job (he walked home because we didn't have a car). All of that night, I was shaking with the thought that he was lying in a ditch somewhere. Long story short, he eventually picked up his phone. His explanation? I'm going crazy.....

Now let me tell you, it never once crossed my mind that he was cheating. I just thought there was something seriously wrong with our relationship. We were always arguing over menial things. One day, I was checking his phone messages. He had been talking to this girl from his job at odd hours and I didn't like it. After all, he had a girl and a kid. What business did he have talking to a some chic at 3 in the morning when everyone was sleeping? I didn't realize how serious it was until I heard her message, saying she loved him, among other things. Devastated, I confronted him. I told him to tell me everything. It hurt to hear that he spent the night with a girl, but he didn't tell me that he had slept with her. He left that part out. After missing work for a week, he told me he had to go back or he'd be fired. I was worried he'd pull something again, but we had talked and he said nothing was going to happen. I knew he was lying when he didn't come home by one in the morning. I called his job; they told me he'd left at eleven. Needless to say, I was furious. He called me at five in the morning, told me he was walking from this girl's house, about 2 hours from where we live. He told me he just had to be with this girl one last time. I told him I was going to leave, and go back to New York as soon as possible. Scared as I was to be alone without him, I had it in me. He came in, tried to talk to me...but I wouldn't hear it. He went to sleep and I went to take a shower. I looked in his jacket pocket out of suspicion and found a note, a love letter of sorts. The girl briefly mentioned them having sex. I freaked out, and by the end of all the yelling and throwing and hitting, I was shot. I let him hold me and whisper promises. He told me, let's go back to New York. And that same night, we packed whatever we could in a couple of bags, took the baby, and went to the bus depot. It was one of the most spontaneous things I've ever done. I have must have thought we could last to have done it.

Over a year later, he has joined the army, and we have gotten married, partially out of necessity, greatly out of love. He doesn't even like to mention that girl and says he tries to block that out of his memory. I have tried in some ways, too. But I cannot help but think about, after all this time. I never in a million years thought he would do that to me, and when I do remember that he did, in fact, cheat on me, it's like reliving an awful nightmare. And my trust for him, as far as being around other girls goes, has vanished. Every female is automatically suspect, and I simply cannot help it. I check his email regularly. I feel ashamed to be one of those suspisious wives who tracks their husband's every move; I want to be able to trust him. He's doing everything he can to earn the trust back, and we are still very much in love, only with jealousy and suspect as our live in neighbors. I don't think I can stay with him if I don't get over the fact that he cheated on me and truly believe that he won't do it again.

Is there anything I can do to get myself to trust him, and to get over it?