Last night I met with my ex, after 3 weeks of NC to exchange the last of our possessions. We were together for 4 months and have been broken up for 6 weeks. She broke up with me to "be single" lol.
We had a brilliant night, laughed like old times and for a second I thought we would get back together. Alas, it was not to be. At the end of the night, I told her that I couldn't meet up with her again...as I had to move on. She tried everything to convince me to stay in contact with her and meet up with her (almost desperately)...and I told her I would think about it. On the way home, I regretted having said that.
Last night she kept saying how much she was enjoying being single - spending time with her friends etc. She also mentioned a guy that had been hitting on her....she actually mentioned him a couple of times throughout the evening. Mostly joking, but still talking about him nonetheless. You know when you get a gut feeling about something? Well, I got one then.
She seemed to be extolling the virtues of being single FAR too much and I got the feeling that this guy was more than someone who had been "hitting on her". I sensed her desperation to keep me in her life was to provide her with some security through the early stages of this (potential) relationship.
Today I sent this email, I'd really appreciate it if you could tell me this was the right thing to do:
Hey,
I want to apologise for the mixed signals I gave last night…one minute saying I don’t want to meet up again, the next being unsure – I should know better than to try to communicate anything meaningful after a few drinks
I suppose there was a part of me that held on until last night to see if things had changed, and seeing as though they haven’t I have to do what is best for me….which means cutting contact altogether and moving on. It’s honestly not to hurt you, it’s so that I can devote myself to someone else completely without focussing on the past. Sorry if I muddled that up last night - I blame the bar's dreary tunes and cheap beer lol
Yes, I realise there’s irony in contacting you to tell you I won’t be contacting you any more haha…but I wanted to tell you rather than just disappear without explaining – believe me, there are some girls I wouldn’t make the effort for. (Take that as a compliment!)
I know that there is probably more to the guy you mentioned last night than you told me; you were probably trying to spare my feelings and I really do appreciate that. It has made it easier for me to move on though. Staying in touch is a recipe for disaster for both sides - Twice bitten, three times shy.
You know how much I HATE being serious, and I’m only serious when I feel really strongly about something or someone (Look, there's another compliment for you!). But rest assured, serious me is hanging up his hat after tonight and won’t be darkening any doors in the near future. Fun me is back in town - I would tell you a "Chicken crossing the road" joke to prove it, but I can't think of any at the moment so you'll have to take me at my word ;-)
I’m picking myself up and getting back on the horse – I’ve been holding off meeting up with a really nice girl for a few weeks but have now organised a date for next week (no, she’s not really a horse…it’s just a figure of speech ;-)) and I’m sure I’ll be happiness will be with me soon.
There’s no need to reply to this D, look after yourself
You’ll always have a special place in my heart baby. Take care.
Me x
The reason I mentioned my date next week is that she had *grilled* me last night about any new girls on the horizon, and I sort of skirted around the issue. She kept asking and asking....and I told her I would tell her when the time was right. I guess a part of me wanted to let her know that I AM moving on and that I'm not going to be the bundle of confusion I am now forever.
Is the email ok?
If it is, I can walk away from this a satisfied man....I just don't want to come across as someone cutting contact to be vindictive.
Well, it appears that you are coping with her loss pretty well, since you are comfortable complimenting her after she left you. I think it was pretty disrespectful for her to bring up that guy that was hitting on her.
I think that is pretty healthy - that you know what you need to do - let her know that you're not interested in her love life, that you can't be friends, and that you won't be in touch anymore. It's very mature.
If you're not angry with her, which sounds like it's the case, and are ready to let her go and really move on - I don't think sending that letter is bad at all.
But she probably WILL respond. It's up to you to show her that you are serious and that she made a serious decision. And that is to maintain strict NC. My advice: if she responds by email - delete it without reading it. Reading it will make you want to respond - and you DO NOT want to open a dialog. Your word should be law. If she calls, do not answer - then delete the message without listening and delete her number.
Good luck, man.
Last edited by fooled; 22nd February 2006 at 4:06 PM..
Well, it appears that you are coping with her loss pretty well, since you are comfortable complimenting her after she left you. I think it was pretty disrespectful for her to bring up that guy that was hitting on her.
I think that is pretty healthy - that you know what you need to do - let her know that you're not interested in her love life, that you can't be friends, and that you won't be in touch anymore. It's very mature.
If you're not angry with her, which sounds like it's the case, and are ready to let her go and really move on - I don't think sending that letter is bad at all.
Thanks for your reply fooled, you're always insightful.
To be honest, I'm probably a little more forgiving than I should be in regards to her telling me about the guy.
I suspect she didn't see the whole 'cutting contact' thing coming...she had actually talked about the day arriving that we could meet up with our respective partners. (preparing me for something??). Obviously I was very quick to dismiss that idea - viciously lol
She had played down his advances to me - like she wasn't interested in him and I believe that she thought that by mentioning him, and downplaying him as someone 'not special', she could then excuse (to me) herself for meeting up with him. ie He isn't a threat.
A pretty poor way of keeping me 'in the game' so to speak, but one that I (sadly) expect is accurate.
Like I say, I probably should be more angry....but if I let rip at her, knowing me, I would end up feeling worse and attempting to apologise....even though I would have nothing to apologise for.
At least this way, I think I come out of it taking the high road by letting her know that I suspected what was happening....and I wasn't prepared to stick around and tolerate it whilst remaining level-headed and true to myself (I'm generally a pretty laid-back nice kinda guy )
But she probably WILL respond. It's up to you to show her that you are serious and that she made a serious decision. And that is to maintain strict NC. My advice: if she responds by email - delete it without reading it. Reading it will make you want to respond - and you DO NOT want to open a dialog. Your word should be law. If she calls, do not answer - then delete the message without listening and delete her number.
Good luck, man.
Thanks again fooled.
I (regretfully) have to agree that she will contact me again. The other night she seemed desperate to stay in touch, and I weakened slightly by saying I would think about it....before sending the email.
So I have no doubt that after having the rug (me) ripped from under her, she will focus on the fact that I showed *some* weakness in considering staying in touch...and probably send an email to test the waters.
I am determined not to give in though - I'm not sure if I have the strength to delete the email without reading it, but at the moment I have faith that I would be able to wait a week before replying and then replying with a short, impersonal email telling her I'm fine.
Maybe the strength to ignore her completely will come in the meantime...I sure as hell hope so man
And you have a date next week with a really nice girl? That's even better! Yahooo.
Thanks clynn,
I'm really looking forward to it, but at the same time dreading it (bundle of contradictions aren't I? lol)
She is really nice, but I sincerely hope that I don't sit there with her wishing that it was my ex I was out with. I've been honest with this girl - telling her that I'm just out of a relationship and am not looking to jump straight back into something serious.
That sounds like the right thing to do, but I'm afraid that by saying this to her I makie myself appear slightly 'unattainable' and could possibly increase her attraction for me (we all love a challenge, huh? )
One thing is for certain though (looking at the positives). After the date I'll have a pretty good idea as to whether I'm ready to get 'out there' or not. If not, then I just have to wait until I am.
That was a great email to send her! I almost want to copy and paste it to something...excellent letter...funny....too ~ You are sucessfully moving on with your life ! Keep it up
You must let us know what she replies ! Good Luck!!!!!!!!!
I will, don't worry
I hope I don't have anything to report back to be honest though. lol
I mean I certainly want her back (at the moment at least) but the email was genuine - it was my final one and I really have drawn a line under the relationship as far as *my* effort is concerned. Anything, in terms of effort in regards to reconciliation, would have to come from her.
I can't see that happening in the immediate future, so I guess I just plough on and forget about the possibility.
Thanks loads for the replies to this thread guys and gals - it's really put my mind at ease...I needed some reassurance that I had made myself clear in the email about what I was doing without it sounding vindictive.
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