[Delectable]

I'm starting to post more frequently here and the advice I receive is always appreciated. So I have a deliema...

I am head over heels in love with the most wonderful man. One I would do anything for...

This Thursday marks the one year anniversary of of his fathers very unexpected and sudden death. My boyfriend is still struggling with this loss as it has changed every aspect of his life. He has a mentally challenged brother who is 8 years older than him, a mother in her 70's who is struggling to keep an eye on the family business which is been run into the ground by his thieving credit card stealing bank account abusing sister (4 years older). Even though he is the youngest he has stepped up to the plate and has become the man in the family and struggles to keep everything together and at the same time live a normal life of a 30 year old man. We've been together 7 months.

So on Sunday I asked him was he going to be okay this week and did he need anything from me...It was the first time that I saw him close off...he said he really couldn't talk about it and he didn't know what he would need...and that he would let me know (which he won't). He did say that he would probably be in a difficult place and his buttons may be easily pushed (which for someone who rarely is unhappy, mad etc...I think is okay).

Should I write him a letter? Plan on just going over to his house? Give him space? Should I do something or do nothing...I don't know which is the right thing.....

help

[whichwayisup]

He has closed down so that means he's hurting really badly. I think, in your own way just being there will mean so much to him. Don't a long letter, maybe a card with just a "I'm here with you through this rough time. I love you, always." Keep it short and to the point. Anything more may upset him, especially as you say he's not feeling too happy right now. Just be supportive. Bring food, don't offer, just do it. That will mean alot too.

[Kengne]

Originally Posted by Delectable

I'm starting to post more frequently here and the advice I receive is always appreciated. So I have a deliema...

I am head over heels in love with the most wonderful man. One I would do anything for...

This Thursday marks the one year anniversary of of his fathers very unexpected and sudden death. My boyfriend is still struggling with this loss as it has changed every aspect of his life. He has a mentally challenged brother who is 8 years older than him, a mother in her 70's who is struggling to keep an eye on the family business which is been run into the ground by his thieving credit card stealing bank account abusing sister (4 years older). Even though he is the youngest he has stepped up to the plate and has become the man in the family and struggles to keep everything together and at the same time live a normal life of a 30 year old man. We've been together 7 months.

So on Sunday I asked him was he going to be okay this week and did he need anything from me...It was the first time that I saw him close off...he said he really couldn't talk about it and he didn't know what he would need...and that he would let me know (which he won't). He did say that he would probably be in a difficult place and his buttons may be easily pushed (which for someone who rarely is unhappy, mad etc...I think is okay).

Should I write him a letter? Plan on just going over to his house? Give him space? Should I do something or do nothing...I don't know which is the right thing.....

help

Hi D,

I think you just need to give him space.
A whole lot of space.

IF and WHEN he feels to - he WILL or WILL not come to you.

you cannot force him to 'open up' esp now that's he's closing off.

There's no need to write a letter or anything... i think that's a bit much.

Just answer the phone if and when he calls ...
listen when he wants to talk ...
don't get mad if he gets difficult/testy ....
and do your own thing ...

Now is not the time to be a chore for him.

You need to be the oasis from the harshness of every day life.

K.

[whichwayisup]

We've been together 7 months.

Uhmm, 7 months is a relationship and I don't think she should 'disappear and leave him alone.' I think she should show support and do the smaller things that WILL get noticed and appreciated. Backing off is not cool because HE does need her. He may not want to talk about it, but having her around is just what couples do for eachother during rough times, especially when it comes to death.

[MelissaL]

I'd leave him a message or drop off a note reminding him that you're thinking about him, and you're there if you need him, then definately give him his space. If he wants to talk to you, he'll call, but more than likely he's going to want to get through it on hiw own. Don't take it personally, that's just how men deal.

[Delectable]

Thanks much of this is really helpful. He hinted today that he would like me to spend the weekend at his place...so he is expecting me to be around so WWIU I will be there if he needs me & MelissaL maybe your idea of giving him a simple card and not bringing anything up is the way to go.

Any guys out there reading this...you know who you are the ones that have a hard time talking about 'feelings' any input?

[BeFree]

I lost my little sister suddenly a few years ago. The first couple of anniver. I really just wanted to be left alone. If anyone had given me a letter or a card, it would have just opened up a giant wound again. I really think it would be best if you let him know you are there if he needs anything, but other than that leave him alone. He needs to know that this time of year, you can be the strong one. If you make a big deal of it, he will think you want this to be about you, not him. Just give him his space and he will be back to normal in a few days. By the way, this does not go away after the first year, he will feel bad about this day for many many years to come. He will also get down on his dad's birthday and sometimes on holidays.

[Kengne]

Originally Posted by whichwayisup

Uhmm, 7 months is a relationship and I don't think she should 'disappear and leave him alone.' I think she should show support and do the smaller things that WILL get noticed and appreciated. Backing off is not cool because HE does need her. He may not want to talk about it, but having her around is just what couples do for eachother during rough times, especially when it comes to death.

OK - who talked about disappearing & leaving him alone?
WWIU where did you come up with this ish?
I'm sorry, but I don't like it when people misinterpret my ish so I had to come correct you.

You can give someone space without 'disappearing'.
You can show support without being all up in their grill.

He KNOWS she's there - like you quoted she's BEEN THERE for 7 mths!

And if he wants her around - did I not say he WILL or WILL NOT come to her?
The poster just said he 'hinted' abt wanting her at his place during the weekend - that's exactly what I was talking about! He came to her - whether directly or indirectly - to make it known he wanted her around him!

But - he could have easily 'hinted' that he wanted to be left alone! Would she be a bad gf then for RESPECTING that if THAT'S what he wanted? Gimme a break.

And like BF said... a card or letter ... I think it's not necessary because IMO it opens up the wound even further than just the mere anniversary of the death itself. MAYBE he doesn't want to be reminded!

And in terms of support - ACTIONS speak louder than words.
Don't tell me you're thinking about me in some rinky dinky card.
Show me by being around me - or NOT being around IF that's what I want.

Because guess what - that's how some people - yes, even those in a relationship - handle death! By wanting to be left alone. This is a fact. Not everyone wants people around them.

Just my 2 cents.

K.