Cheating, Flirting, and JealousyBeing unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.
If you did cheat in the past, whether it was once or more often, when do you tell the new person you are seeing?
I don't abide by the "once a cheater always a cheater" mentality, and it seems so detrimental to talk about cheating early in getting to know someone when they don't know a lot about you yet.
I always advocate honesty. I would say that telling about it early on may give the other person time to see if you still exhibit that kind of behaviour.
It may of course just make them run away.
I think its different if you are asked an outright question. I wouldn't have a problem with a girl not telling me something I had never asked about.
However if I found out that it had occured from someone else I would probably be a little 'something', don't know the right word for it really, a mixture of unease/worry. Would cause me to take a closer look at what had happened between us up to that point.
If she had told me herself and given a little background I would have been in a better position to take it into account.
I know for me it would be a bit of an issue, but not a killer. It would probably colour my perception for a little while.
If her behaviour gave me no cause for concern then I would not be concerned.
I agree that it is not the case once/always. If she had cheated on every bf that would be a red flag that stopped the race.
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All I know for sure is that I know nothing.
Ok, am I missing something? Where is it written that you have to disclose everything that every happened in your past to a potential mate? Because I have a lot of ***** in my past, upon the advice of therapists, I've forgone that sharing part for many things because it seems unnecessary in the face of a new relationship.
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I love these little people; and it is not a slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us.
Ok, am I missing something? Where is it written that you have to disclose everything that every happened in your past to a potential mate? Because I have a lot of ***** in my past, upon the advice of therapists, I've forgone that sharing part for many things because it seems unnecessary in the face of a new relationship.
And that is certainly another, and equally valid, view. I most certainly understand it and respect it, now anyway.
I agree with Otter on this one. It is one thing to be honest when asked a specific question but there is no reason you have to disclose every little dirty short coming from you past.
Everyone has a past some more colorful than others. Our pasts have helped to makes us who we are today because it was our trial and error. We learned either what not to do or what to do. Disclosing your past no matter how much or how small is up to you. But if you think disclosing something bad, even though it has a made you a better person, causes problems then why share it?
Like have you ever had an affair? Do you lie and say no, or change the subject, obfuscate, tell the truth. I would hate to lie outright about something.
I have stuff in my past that fit your description of 'mistakes that made me a better person because I have learned from it'. How do you handle it?
Honesty is a double edge sword at times. While it can set you free in a lot of cases it can also set you back in others. I think each case is unique and therefore each person will have to determine on their own what diclosing things from their past will mean for them. I'm all for honesty but somethings are better left in the past.
Like have you ever had an affair? Do you lie and say no, or change the subject, obfuscate, tell the truth. I would hate to lie outright about something.
I have stuff in my past that fit your description of 'mistakes that made me a better person because I have learned from it'. How do you handle it?
I expect me to be honest first and foremost....
I say, well why do you want to know? Is this just to torture yourself, or give you ammo against me? TO what purpose does this questioning serve?
Usually I try to discover the reason they would want to know something potentially painful to them.
Like, I've had lovers who wanted to know exactly HOW I was assaulted when I was raped. (a) that is too painful for me to go over casually, (b) there's nothing to change it now, (c) it would only serve to enrage my present lover. So I try to discover why they want to know and try to explore that insecurity.
If a woman has cheated in the past, but tells me about it, I will question her suitibility, but would be okay with dating her in light of it all other things being equal.
If she's cheated in the past and doesn't tell me about it, if I find out, she is gone.
I wouldn't "use" such information as "ammo" -- it is merely part of getting to know whether someone is good enough to go out with (just as she no doubt has all kinds of qualifications and requirements that I must live up to). If I don't care for what I hear, then there's no point in dating anyway. The party that keeps it hidden is just fooling themselves -- what is the point of that?
Last edited by Cecelius; 20th February 2006 at 2:43 PM..
If you did cheat in the past, whether it was once or more often, when do you tell the new person you are seeing?
If they asked me withing the first 6 months of dating I'd say that is my business. If they asked me after the first 6 months of dating I'd still say that it is my business. If they asked me after we were married then I'd tell them.
If a woman has cheated in the past, but tells me about it, I will question her suitibility, but would be okay with dating her in light of it all other things being equal.
If she's cheated in the past and doesn't tell me about it, if I find out, she is gone.
I wouldn't "use" such information as "ammo" -- it is merely part of getting to know whether someone is good enough to go out with (just as she no doubt has all kinds of qualifications and requirements that I must live up to). If I don't care for what I hear, then there's no point in dating anyway. The party that keeps it hidden is just fooling themselves -- what is the point of that?
Your assumption is that cheating is some kind of regulated behavior that has norms and boundaries, and that past behaviors in this area are somehow useful in predicting future behavior.
IMO anything I did in previous relationships that is as complicated as that has no bearing on the current one. Why would it? Please do explain, since your impulse goes directly against the advising of more than one therapist, for me.
Your assumption is that cheating is some kind of regulated behavior that has norms and boundaries, and that past behaviors in this area are somehow useful in predicting future behavior.
IMO anything I did in previous relationships that is as complicated as that has no bearing on the current one. Why would it? Please do explain, since your impulse goes directly against the advising of more than one therapist, for me.
I guess you are right -- I do assume that cheating has norms and boundries, just like I look for someone who has similar norms and boundries as I do. As to past behavior predicting future behavior, I've got nothing to say on that -- if I am dumb enough to date someone who's cheated on every b/f in the past, I will not really be in a good position to complain when it happens to me -- if you lie down with dogs...
I've cheated in the past when I was a kid and like to think I've improved since then -- other people can too. But if its a significant event that was kept under wraps, I'm not going to trust her when/if it comes to light.
Frankly, I assume that your therapists are looking out for you, which is their job. I am looking out for me. Given that there are many women/people in the world to date, one who has cheated [materially] in the past and failed to disclose it is too significant a risk to be bothered with compared to one who has not cheated, etc.
Lastly, if the point is that she cheated b/c the b/f was a jerk and she was dumping him 2 days later, that's not nearly as bad as banging a "friend" and not telling your fiance about it. It is that kind of differentiation I am making.
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