so tonight in class i get a call. i check my voicemail later and its from my ex. ive been strict NC for 2 months. No phone, IM, my space anything. she called to see how i was doing, how school was...thats its just a check up. she called 2 months ago on my birthday but i doidnt answer and she didnt leave a voicemail. i dont know if i should call back. i dont want to be an ********* and just ignore her...ive already blocked her. but this call is out of no where. Valentines day was obviously the other day and our would be 6 year anniversary would be next week. but shes been with another guy for a few months. i dont want to call back...but at the same time i dont want to be the *********.....any suggestions?
• Are you still healing?
• Do you still love her?
• Do you still think about the fact that you are in NC with her?
If you've answered yes to any of these, then don't respond. Remember why you were on strict NC in the first place. If she called you in 2 months or 2 days after you started, whats the difference? But if want to be buddies or whatever, that's different. I suspect you're not though, since you asked here.
I'd just try and forget about it and go on. If I were you, I'd be wondering myself. God knows I'd love to talk to her, but there are so many reasons why I/we can't. Just the fact that it's on your mind says a lot. If it was just some random friend, you'd delete the message and probably forget to call back. Try and treat it like this.
__________________
Days away I still feel you.
Touching me, changing me.
That's it. If she's fishing for info from you, if she wants to get back together, she'll let you know. You didn't initiate the contact. NC is YOU not making contact. If THEY make contact then it's up to you to decide what you want to do.
If she is with someone else still and is just checking in to see how you're doing then you can continue NC. If you reply, you might open up the door to dialog with her.
It's up to you what you decide to do. In this case I don't think it's bad to reply with a one line text but take a day or two to respond. Don't reply right away. Make it short, don't volunteer any info. This will let her know that you might listen to her and that you're not angry with her (even if you are).
See, I'm big on NC, but from YOUR part. Let THEM make the contact because that's ultimately what you want. Her feelings might be changing and if you never respond, you will never know. With her making contact YOU are in control. YOU can decide what you want to do and how to respond.
Guard your feelings. Don't volunteer info. Just be short and to the point. Don't ask any questions. Let her tell you what's going on if she indeed wants to do that.
__________________ ...the purpose of a doormat is to wipe your feet on it, not love and respect it. - Balthazar The No Contact Guide
so i had dinner with some mutual friends last night. i mentioned the ex left a voicemail the other night and one said that she had heard about it. i thought it was weird seeing that the message was very simple, why would she tell her friends? anyway... i said i didnt know yet if i would respond...that i was thinking about it. to which our friend told me that the ex says im ignoring her. now surely she cant mean im ignoring the phone call from 2 days ago...she referring to the NC ive done for 2 months.
now, its my belief that to ignore someone, you have to be contacted first. right? she hasnt contacted me at all...and i have nothing to say.
anyway, im thinking of sending a short email. "hi. im doing great thank you. school is good. hope everything is well."
the way i see it, none of this was my choice. so its not my responsibility to make anything "right". yes i miss her, yes i want to talk to her, yes i miss everything that was. but she doesnt and shes getting all of that from someone else (starting right after me too). its up to her to start a dialog.
just thought id post an update.
so what i was afraid would happen has....
i texted her like i said and got no response. ive been thinking to myself that what i typed didnt warrant a response or that i took 3 days to respond so maybe she will in time. what i was afraid of was that i wouldnt stop thinking about it. and i havent. im not a mess by any means but ive been thinking about her a lot and have been feeling angry and lonely. just bringing up old feelings again.
i think that my response may have pissed her off or something and that i ruined a chance to be able to talk to her again. its all in my head and i know this is irrational thinking. i just need to type it or say it out loud.
i think that my response may have pissed her off or something and that i ruined a chance to be able to talk to her again. its all in my head and i know this is irrational thinking. i just need to type it or say it out loud.
Who cares what she thinks! It's YOU that matters now.
I'm glad you posted here instead of texting her again -- or even worse. You're right - sometimes it helps to write the irrational stuff down so it's tangible and your mind can get around it - see how crazy it is.
If you have two months of NC in there is no going back imo. That is a fantasy that we "copers" like to hold onto.
I think the biggest mistake we copers make after a dumping whether we do it or not, is that we accept incidental contact. Hope springs eternal. We are hoping that they, in an email or voice mail, will say all that we long to hear. That will not happen. Not in a million years. What they want is to have their cake and eat it too. They want to be away from you, but to also know you are "close". They want to be able to have you there in case they need a boost, or to have someone to tell their good news to. That makes you miss them and they know it.
I have been going through the extrication process from a dysfunctional relationship. I have also read many many posts from people doing the same thing. Hundreds. I know the stories. What I have discovered is that a long stretch of NC will be broken by incidental contact. And you can be destabilised for days even weeks by it. The fastest way to recovery is to block ALL contact, coming and going. Its is also the surest way to get through to healing with no setbacks.
I have read about many folks getting dragged back into hell by simply reading an email or listening to a voice message. They know you very well and they know how to hook you back in to have another go round with this dependency. Please. I implore everyone in NC to go all the way. Get the strength to SEAL all the cracks. The best thing to do is change your phone number and email addresses. If that is not practical, then delete emails unread or block them. Don't ever listen to phone messages. If you see them on the street, say hi, look at your watch and say you have to run. And then hope you don't run into them again.
I realize this may sound drastic, even alarming. You don't need to do this, you say? You are in control and won't let them "get" to you? That's just a rationalization to give yourself permission to listen, to maybe even call them back. After all, you might miss them telling you they want you back and they have changed. Get in touch with your true motivations for allowing incidental contact. You may be surprised at what you find out about yourself.
Please. Let my experience and my knowledge be your guide. Do not allow ANY contact whatsoever with the abusive EX. Be strong. You have the heart of a WARRIOR and can DO THIS.
regards
__________________
...It's not going to stop It's not going to stop It's not going to stop 'Til you wise up
....Aimee Mann
Last edited by bendit; 24th February 2006 at 10:28 AM.
this statement should've been reason enough NOT to send anything back to her. She was curious... you satisfied her curiousity and took one step backwards at the same time. Sorry bro. Ignore the next one, and there WILL be another one coming.
as much as i hate the fact shes with someone else...as much as she destroyed me and broke my heart....as much as she threw everything that we had away.....do i never talk to her again? its *****ty, she lost her feelings for me. it happens. but do i ignore the 5.5 years we were together? do i ever let go of the resentment i have of how this all happened? can i? will i? should i?
brutal truth.... she left, she's with someone else. Period. Nothing you can do, it's outta your hands. Trust me, it sucks, I know. I dated a girl for 6 years, we had one fight that lead to a temp breakup... at least I thought so. Two months later, she was engaged to someone new. And now, happily married. That was hard on me. What got me over her, was knowing she threw away 6 years 'just like that' ... kinda heartless. = not the girl for me. It took time, but eventually I got over her... as you will. In the mean time, she's with someone else... KNOWING you're still in love with her. Don't give her the satisfaction ESPECIALLY if she's contacting you while she's with someone else. Be 2ndIINone. Now, if she decides to end things with him and start talking to you again.... then it's your choice to give her the time of day. But for the moment, don't.
i dont think she knows how i feel about her. theres no way to. she broke up with me last may. my last telling of my feelings was october. unless my actions of NC say "he still loves me"
you see, people have two different reasons and meanings for using NC.
1. To completely shut the dumper OUT of their lives and give themselves a chance to heal... in the hopes of the dumpee healing, realizing that they don't NEED the dumper, can live without the dumper, and eventually moving on.
2. Others use NC for a different reason, hoping for a different result. And that's to make the dumper sweat, regret and come running back to the one they dumped... the brokenhearted, afraid to move on, whiney/piney dumpee. (me)
IMO, I've often seen the dumper come running back more so then not, BUT that's not always good or for the better. Most of the time, the dumper is strictly looking to fulfill their own satisfaction of fighting the challenge the dumpee has created by enforcing NC.
so, my answer is NO, your ex doesn't know what your feeling because you've enforced NC. BUT, curiousity gets or eventually will get the best of her... asking herself questions such as... "Where is he? What's he doing? Does he miss me? " but these questions really won't come to her mind until the new guy or guys in her life start .... boring her... or maybe mistreating her... OR even better, when she get's THEM wrapped around her fingers... the challenge is gone for her then. But wait, ahhhhh... a new challenge? "Where sick of it??? He can't be over me yet... I won't let him.... I think I'll send him a little txt message." Then BAM!!!!!!! Welcome to loveshack sickofit...back to square one.
9 times outta 10, that phone will ring when you least expect it. FACT! Now, what you do during that time inbetween is up to you. True NC hopes you will have grown up, matured, realized that the dumper did you wrong and doesn't deserve squat from you... for in the end when that phone rings... hopefully, you, the former dumpee will have the strength and courage to say... "I forgive you and I'm over you" maybe even add a big "FU". That always feels good. You hang up, look at the new POA you've been dating that's 10x hotter then your ex... and say to yourself... "Why was I ever sweating my ex?"
Make sense???
Don't get too excited though, because, chances are... the new girl will pick a fight or something as well, and you'll end up right back here asking why? why? why? like the rest of us. )
Last edited by Dinnj1; 24th February 2006 at 6:55 PM.
NC will have no effect in cases where the dumper has fallen completely out of love and doesn't see you "that way" anymore. It's especially difficult in the case of women who make up their minds they don't love you and move on.
Men tend to come back with NC more so than women. That is not to say it could happen with a woman coming back but the odds have to be much, much lower.
Women have the support of other women when they leave you who will say "He was a jerk, etc." where men usually don't. It takes a long time for a woman to change her mind and once it's done, it's done.
If you're a man, I suggest using NC as it's intended, to get let go completely, heal up, improve yourself and move on. In the rare case where she does come back you'll be in a much better place to say NO or if you've changed and she has, perhaps it could work out.
I'd place the odds on second chances working at around 5%.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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