My BF broke up with me Friday night. Together almost 3 years, I'm 46 and he's 29. Our problem was he never introduced me to his family or college friends, I felt he was embarrased of my/my age. We shared a large circle of other friends, of all ages. Fast forward: He emailed me this morning; on one hand saying it was the best years of his life, I'm great, compassionate, wonderful, etc. On othe other hand he also said he'll "probably" realize down the road he made a terrible mistake, he wants me for his good friend, wishes we could till hang out, loves me but not sure in "what capacity". I just don't know if I should respond or not. I think we both feel terrible I and I want to comfort him, but then think "whoa girl he's the one who left you". I don't want to play games either but my first priority is protecting my heart I think. Should I drop him a quick note i.e. thanks for your concern, I'll let you know when/if I can hang out with you again? He said he didn't expect me to respond and hopes his mssg. doesn't make things worse for me.
First off, there is nothing wrong with the 46/29 age thing. There maybe life stages issue that HE is not ready for.
If you can't be friends or hang out because you are hurt or can't keep being a friend because of feelings; then don't. I told my older lady friend (10 yr diff) that I can't be friends with her because I have romantic feelings for her. Well it was true, if both parties are not on the same page then we have a problem.
Don't respond and let it sit. CLean out the place of anything with his scent, stuff, notes, etc... and put it in a box. Keep it somewhere else or send it back.
jerbear is right, there is nothing wrong with the age difference. Maturity lies in each individual, regardless of age. I was with a younger guy, too.
I wouldn't reply to his email. I'd wait and see what happens. Give him the gift of missing you, and maybe he will be able to figure out just what "capacity" he loves you in.
Chin up and hang in there!
Hugs,
Raven
__________________
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor, shall be lifted . . . Nevermore. - E.A. Poe
Age does not matter. Though being at "different stages in life" can matter. I was 40 emotionally when I was only just 21 (and I'm still not 40). Everyone is different. Upbringing and experience play their roll in how mentally and emotionally old we are. But age wasn't the question, so . . .
Regardless, I wouldn't respond to a message like the one he sent you. Let him figure out exactly what he wants before you're willing to talk about it.
to everyone. Even Rosalind! "I can tell you exactly what he wants - a girl closer to his own age." Ouch, I didn't really need that remark today. I wish I had left our ages out of it, it's not the issue. The issue, as Rosalind did point out it not meeting his friends/family. Without going too deep into everthing his father has been married 4 times; most recently for 10 years to a woman 15 years his junior. But I guess the age difference doesn't bother people when the male is older!
I guess the age difference doesn't bother people when the male is older!
Funny, I've noticed that in life, as well.
Sweetie, don't think about any comments about the age difference. There have been people who have had bad experiences with a relationship where there was an age difference, and it influences their opinion on all relationships with an age difference. I'm sure they mean nothing bad, and are probably only trying to help by sharing their own experiences.
To me, age doesn't matter. It's the maturity level that matters.
In your case, what matters is that he was not including you in his life with his friends and family.
I doubt very seriously his reasons have anything to do with your age. You were together "almost 3 years." He definitely was not embarrassed by the age difference. From my experience, most younger men are proud to be with older women. Older women are usually more confident, know what they want, and will not play games. To a mature younger man, this is a turn on, so let's leave your ages out of it.
Let's say you're both 25. He should STILL be including you in his life with friends and family, and he should also figure out just in what "capacity" he loves you before expecting you to have a conversation with him.
Don't answer him. You haven't heard the last from him. It may take awhile, but he will most likely contact you again. Use this time to sit back and evaluate the situation. Try to look at it as an outsider/third party.
I can tell you exactly what he wants - a girl closer to his own age.
Look at his actions - a guy is usually proud to show off his girl to family and friends.
P.S. I've been in your shoes
I agree that age isn't always a factor but in this case by not introducing her to his family that's surely not a good sign.
If he has any inkling of starting a family he'll be more inclined to find someone his age. That's no knock on her at all.
However, when age gaps happen it's usually the man that is older, not the woman, if anything is to last. Men aren't under the same interal clocks that women are.
And I agree, you should let him go. I know it's hard but you must.
Without mentioning my age and see what kind of response I get
Believe me I feel no better knowing he would have still dumped me even if I was his age. It's his loss.
And this is giving me some insight: he probably would get the same responses from his friends as I have gotten here, especially from the men.
Raven, I just wanted to say I've been viewing this website for a while and have noticed your posts, especially your cool "Raven" picture; they are my favorite bird/animal/totem whatever you want to call it. I'm going to go back catch up on your story too...thanks for all your posts.
Without mentioning my age and see what kind of response I get
Believe me I feel no better knowing he would have still dumped me even if I was his age. It's his loss.
And this is giving me some insight: he probably would get the same responses from his friends as I have gotten here, especially from the men.
Raven, I just wanted to say I've been viewing this website for a while and have noticed your posts, especially your cool "Raven" picture; they are my favorite bird/animal/totem whatever you want to call it. I'm going to go back catch up on your story too...thanks for all your posts.
Hi Irish
Thank you so much for the compliment on my avitar. I love Ravens, as well. "The Raven" by E.A. Poe is my favorite poem, and I can recite it in its entirety. (for no other reason that "just because").
I hope my reply to your post helped somewhat. I tried to give a genuine reply saying that the age thing shouldn't be an issue and rather wanted to try to help out on the "real issue." Hope it helped a little, at least.
Your absolutely right. All things aside . . . it's his loss.
I agree with rosalind, I had a similar problem dating someone 13 years older than me. Things were great, and I cared alot about her. But the future worried me being 60 and something happening to her and being alone for my last 20 years with just the pain of losing my love. So I realized it would be better if I just let her go and found someone my own age that we could venture through life together taking the same steps helping each other. Good Luck
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