My boyfriend doesn't find me sexually attractive anymore...

heather2006 · 13th February 2006, 11:38 AM

hey guys...i have a big problem and i could use some helpful hints or advice....here it goes...

i have been dating this guy for about 6 months now and we have never had a problem sexually...the past few days he has been very distant *in the bedroom* he isn't in the mood anymore...i asked him if it was me or something i did...but he said it isnt...then today i found out he isn't sexually attracted to me...he wrote an e-mail to one of his friends (who is also my friend) explaining it to him...he showed it to me....

e-mail from boyfriend...

"...She just doesn't turn me on anymore (at all)

and she's adorable and i love her to death but it's not there sexually anymore in any way. I was looking at her while we were doing the grown up dance and i just couldn't even get into it...i was almost disgusted.

wtf can i do?

i hate life"

.................................................. ...............................................

any advice?

Barby · 13th February 2006, 11:50 AM

It sounds like the problem may lie within him if neither of you have changed.....or maybe he's bored with the same ole' same ole' type of routine...........

have you tried spicing up your sex life? Do a strip tease for him, experiment with different positions, role play, umm....I'm sure they're more ideas out there that could introduce sensuality back into your love life.

You say "I hate life" or was that him speaking still? If it's you then you can't base your life/feelings/self esteem based on short-comings in your love-life and/or relationship. Basing your happiness on this is very self destructive.

If it's him then it clearly states that there is something deeper going on inside him that very likely has nothing to do with you.

catgirl1927 · 13th February 2006, 11:56 AM

Honestly, hon, this is his problem and not yours. I don't think you should kill yourself changing, whatever is wrong is something with HIM, not with you. I definitely don't advise trying to turn him on, because this probably is more emotional than physical for him and will likely just make it worse, I don't want you to get your feelings hurt any more than you already have. I think you should sit down with him and be honest. It will be awkward to tell him how you found out about it, but you're going to break up anyway. Just tell him you're sorry he feels this way but it's making you feel bad about yourself. You deserve better than this. He needs to get out of your life and let you find the kind of love you deserve.

heather2006 · 13th February 2006, 12:06 PM

he wrote the "i hate life"....thank you for your advice

luff
heather

Barby · 13th February 2006, 12:23 PM

Okay so I would have to agree that it's "his" problem..obviously it's something going wrong inside himself.

Is it possible he could be confused about his sexuality? I clearly am just taking shots in the dark here but that could be one reason.

bluechocolate · 13th February 2006, 12:27 PM

I think you have to seriously consider that this could be the precursor to him ending the relationship. Maybe even he doesn't quite realise that himself right now. It's almost like a physical manifestation of that old chestnut - "I love you, I'm just not IN love with you."

heather2006 · 13th February 2006, 12:33 PM

so should i try and talk to him about it?

...should i spice things up in the bedroom? i am nervous about being "shot down" (if you will)

barfool · 13th February 2006, 3:41 PM

From reading his email I have a feeling there is no chance to revive the sex life with a simple strip tease. Since it is not a LTR and you guys don't have a ton of emotional investment in each other it is probably not worth going to counseling for. Better to just be up front that you know about it and that you are ready to move on.

CaliGuy · 13th February 2006, 3:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by heather2006

so should i try and talk to him about it?

...should i spice things up in the bedroom? i am nervous about being "shot down" (if you will)

Had my g/f told me she was almost "disgusted" I would have launched her out of my life. That's the meanest thing you can say about anyone.

I'd take some time away from him and reconsider staying with him.

RecordProducer · 14th February 2006, 4:03 AM

he Is Gay!

Walk · 14th February 2006, 11:10 AM

If you think you still want to attempt to solve this, I have a couple of suggestions. They may/may not work, but thought I'd offer some insights since I've had the same happen to me.

First off... It HONESTLY has nothing to do with you or how you look. You're gorgeous. Much better looking then I am. I'm just an average jane doe. It's all mental on his part. So don't get down on yourself about this. If it starts cutting into your self-esteem, then you HAVE to take steps to get away from this situation. If you have a high level of self-esteem, then you can come out of this intact. But get out of this if you feel it is affecting you too much. You have to do what is best for you. You can't help anyone else, if you get damaged in the process. And you are the most important person in this equation. Never forget that.

So, my suggestion (if you want to try it, it's a long shot.... but otherwise stop reading here.). I would explain to him that you found out about his level of desire for you. He doesn't need to know how you found out. It might be better to leave your friend out of it. Maybe give him the opportunity to open up to you first. Just tell him you've noticed he's cooled down in the bedroom and ask him what's up. I think if he lies about it, then he's shown that he's not capable of having a mature relationship. Or doesn't have enough desire to work on the relationship. Either way, you should probably end it.

If he does discuss it with you, then just listen. Don't get angry, or upset. Stay calm and listen. Don't make the issue any bigger then it needs to be. If you blow up, or start bawling, you're going to put more pressure on him, and it'll just make things worse.

Then give him space. Be up front with him on this and explain what you are going to do. Let him know you're available to talk if he wants to. And that you would like to help if you can, but the only thing that you feel will help at this time is if you take some time apart. Then stick to it. Don't call, don't stop over. Leave him alone.

Hopefully this time apart will also give you some time to re-evaluate your relationship with him. Do you still want to be with him? Is this something you want to work through? There are other men out there who would die for a woman like you. He isn't the only man on the planet. And he won't be your only love. Go out and have fun with your girlfriends. Flirt with guys, re-establish to yourself that you are important, and attractive. I wouldn't condon sleeping with someone if you're still interested in saving your relationship. That'd kill it in a second. But try to have some fun, and re-affirm to yourself that you are a wonderful person. Men like women with confidence. And your guy won't feel more attracted to you if you mope around feeling like crap. It'll just reinforce whatever he's currently feeling.

I don't know if this will help. But I do know it's incredibly hurtful to have your SO tell you they aren't attracted to you anymore. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. If you have the energy, and feel you are strong enough, then you can attempt to help him with his problem. Otherwise, you are only going to cause yourself more pain. It's a horrible situation when a guy loses that sexual desire for you, which in turn affects your self esteem, and they lose even more desire for you because you're no longer the self-confident happy person they fell in love with. So work on you first.

heather2006 · 15th February 2006, 1:53 PM

thank you so much for all of your advice...i am going to just let all of this go...we talked about it and everything is back to normal...thank you all again...
much love
heather