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MM is getting Divorced.
I think I just want to put my thoughts down somewhere where they will be read and understood by others , and perhaps commented on, so that I can work out what I really feel at this time.
I first met my MM 2 and a half years ago. Over that time, I ended it on 4 or 5 occasions, twice I even managed to walk and stay away (for about 3 months) when he broke my imposed "no contact" rule!!.
Of course I never stopped thinking about him or loving him, from the day I first met him! But I did keep re-gaining glimpses of sanity and told myself that it was just SO wrong to be having an affair. That I had more respect for myself than to let this just go on.
It's not that it ever feels wrong when we are together. In fact it has always felt like he is the best boyfriend I have ever had, when it's "on" we see eachother every week, 2 or 3 times, talk daily, go out, stay in - he's loving, caring, attentive, intelligent, never shyed away from public displays of affection, etc etc etc! Aside from all else, as a man, he just really floats my boat!!! But of course up until now, he was also always a "Married Man"
I have a good life outside of this relationship, a good job, family, friends and thankfully have not been one to whine on and on to them about the situation. I've been married and divorced and have a superb son and a great relationship with his dad, and on balance, have managed to be happily running my own life. Perhaps that's why I could walk away( not that it didnt hurt , because it bloody did!) , because since my divorce I've been largely happy to live on my own with my son.
Anyway, just after Christmas, after another break of about 6 weeks,(again imposed by me),he phoned and told me that he is getting Divorced!!! by mutual decision that their marriage is over.
Needless to say, (and I will admit it here in this anonymous forum,) that I silently punched the air and mouthed "YES" FINALLY!" while I was listening to what he was saying! This was from relief that the right thing has happened ...and NOT through any kind of malice that they are divorcing.
Fast forward to now and we are spending Valentine's night together and we are going away for a weekend in April for his birthday - proper couple stuff!.
So that's all the up side.. things have moved on in the right way eventually.
He hasn't moved out yet, (we are not planning that he moves in with me, it wouldn't be practical as I have a small house and I don't think that it would be right just yet anyway).
I don't ask too much about what's happening with the divorce as I really dont think it's any of my business to know. I believe he is closing that relationship in the way that he feels he needs to, to make sure that he can keep it sane for the sake of his son.
My struggle now then, is to have to be patient!, and to know that very soon we will be in the situation where we will really see if we can make a future together just like any other couple does and has to, warts and all, a mixture of good and bad times.
I hope that I have it within me to keep on with my life and working towards my goals until he is truly in my life, full time. Because until he is, there is still uncertainty. He is afer all, a Man, and we all know that men, married or otherwise can do some weird stuff that we just dont understand.
A large part of me, is so excited to start on this next journey with him,but there is a part of me that is struggling with how to change this from a secret affair with me having played by the rules of affairs, into a real relationship where I can have an equal say in what, why, when and where if that makes sense!! Two and a half years of habits are hard to break and its a move out of a comfort zone for both of us.
I have just got to wait and see what unfolds....
Back to the top of my post, it has helped to write it down!!! Thanks for reading!!
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