[milkman]

hi,

i have been with my partner for 10 years and have been married for 6 years. We have a 2 year old and another baby on the way. in many ways the relationship is strong but our sex life is a problem. i'm starting to believe this won't be fixed as it seems to come down to a difference in personalities and may end in divorce.

we are differnt people. i am laid back and tend not to worry about things and she sees me as an unpassionate person. i am not perfect but try to be supportive, talk and affectionate. she worries a lot about everything, is not confident physically and has suffered from depression. this has been the case since i have know her to different degrees. maybe it is worse now because she is pregnant.

we have been married for 6 years now. it started probably a year or so before that. i think i put it aside at the time. she will be more relaxed when she gets a less stressful job, when we move to a bigger place..., she will be more relaxed when she has a family. holidays are great and we have good sex but the usual pattern is i try to cuddle her and kiss her in bed and she pulls away. i feel rejected and we go for weeks or months without sex. she saysshe feels uncomfortable, can't relax and just sees me as a best friend.

it starts to effect the relationship as we are both frustrated sexually. it is difficult to be confident and dominant when you are always rejected or know the other person would rather go to sleep so the cycle continues.

does anyone have any helpful advise or has anyone been in a simialr situation? i would like to make her more confident and happy but don't know if this is realistic.

[JadeStar]

I would say that her hormones because shes pregant may play a big role in this, however you stated she started feeling this way about a year ago. Its ok shes different from you, on some things, we are all individuals. If this is something that really bothers you, then I suggest you sit down with her and have a good talk. Communicate to her how you're feeling. You already stated you all have one child and another on the way. It can be tough or stressful on a mother/womans body to take care of one child and going through what she is to have another. Its possible she feels unappreciated etc. Talk with her, and perhaps seek some marriage counseling as well. Maybe that will be helpful to you both.




Jade

thanks for the reply. i guess it is helpful to write down the problem and is kind of cathartic.

i think we have talked about it a lot. maybe too much. i know she doesn't want to see a marriage councellor and i'm not sure i do either as we can both see and talk about the problem. at the moment i must make the best of it as i love my kid and want to give them both security. i do take on a lot of the responsibility and am not sure what else i can do.

part of me is torn between believing i could be happier or more appreciated elsewhere and the other side is that i am obliged to try and make it work as that would make everyone, including the children, happiest.

[milkman]

thanks for the reply. i guess it is helpful to write down the problem and is kind of cathartic.

i think we have talked about it a lot. maybe too much. i know she doesn't want to see a marriage councellor and i'm not sure i do either as we can both see and talk about the problem. at the moment i must make the best of it as i love my kid and want to give them both security. i do take on a lot of the responsibility and am not sure what else i can do.

part of me is torn between believing i could be happier or more appreciated elsewhere and the other side is that i am obliged to try and make it work as that would make everyone, including the children, happiest.

[newbby]

if you are seriously not happy, you need to sort it one way or another. otherwise you are in danger of having an affair, which would be far worse.

[JadeStar]

Its good that you say you both can see the problem and talk about it. However, sometimes having a third party such as a councelor can help. They can also help to bring things to the surface that sometimes we didn't even know was there. If this cycle continues, at some point it will need to be broken. Please continue to talk with her, but also consider a counselor to maybe help and give their input on things as well.



Jade

[milkman]

cheers again.

i won't have an affair - we can either make it work or we can't and i wouldn't put someone through that.

i take the point about a councellor and will consider this. i guess i am just seeing if anyone else has been in this position. if it is a cycle brought about by pregnancy and motherhood i know there may be a change in outlook down the line. if it is more of a deep seated problem then we need to work out what to do.

cheers