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Originally Posted by Raven1845
Hello LawGirl.
I just wanted to say that I admire your attitude about moving on, and I wish you the best of luck. Just from reading your post, I can tell you'll be able to get passed this. You sound very strong-willed and determined.
Though I'm sorry you experienced it, I was a little relieved to see that someone else is tempted and has text messaged their ex during a night out. I, unfortunately, embarrassed myself last night by texting my ex . . . telling him of my undying love while out at a club. I had gone 9 days without contacting him, and though it hurt, I was proud of myself. I'm so disappointed in myself for doing it. Have you felt embarrassed by your past text messages to your ex? Have you done it more than once?
Wish I would have left my phone at home or with a friend, too. 
Keep your chin up! Your on the right path. 
Best wishes! |
Thanks - for the admiration. Unfortunately, I too have had more than one weak moment.
Have I texted more than once - sad to say yes!
Several times which is why I absolutely had to leave the cell. Embarrassed - definately. And the last text did also say "I love you". This to a fellow that didn't want to even say he was a boyfriend. And I even emailed him this sentiment as well. No response either time.
Why did I say it? -cause I wanted to force an answer. Either a response in kind, or an ending.
I was tired of feeling constantly confused by him.
One minute it was "we are not in a relationship" and "you act like you own me". The next conversation was about us moving in together, or about me moving with him to another town - wtf.
It was sh^t or get off the pot time - for me.
Well I got my answer. Or non-answer which ever way you want to look at it.
He called me mid-week and I answered the call. He got a new cell phone and I didn't recognize the number. Which is how I ended up speaking with him.
I asked him what he wanted. He said he didn't know. When I asked him why he called me, he said he wanted to see what I was up to.
I said that I thought he never wanted to speak with me again. He said "no, I never said that". I told him that silence says alot. Then he said, I'll call you later. Which he hasn't - just like he has done before.
The time prior, I caved. I got great hugs, kisses, (and yeah - sex complete with a sleepover), I'll see you later and then nothing.
To me the definition of a F^ck buddy is someone who does his job and then you pretty much go separate ways.
The actions of the 'ex' meant boyfriend to me. We hung out entire weekends. We went on dates together, grocery shopped together, sat at home watched movies. Basically just hung out - alot. But then the closer we got, the more the contact dwindled.
What I have learnt with reflection is that he is someone who gives both messages - fb & bf.
I think part of him wants to be in a relationship, but he also wants to be available should something better come along. And I think he is ambivalent when it comes to love. It is too much "hassle" for him. Once, when I was angry with him for not calling me when he said he would, he said "I told you, I don't need this ****".
My mistake was in only paying attention to the relationship vibes he was giving off and ignoring the part where he said "I don't want to be in a relationship". In a way I guess I didn't believe and/or ignored the words when the actions negated them.
I expect he will contact me again. I can make it difficult for him to reach me, but he still knows my home phone number, my direct line at work and where I work and live. So yeah, if he really wanted to reach me, he would know how. I just hope I can be as strong as you think I am here.
He is making it easier for me though. By not seeing him on a regular basis, my thinking has become clearer, like a drug leaving my system. And I am acknowledging the more negative aspects of his behaviour. I am recognizing that even if we were to get back together, he would likely continue doing this - pulling away when we got closer. And do I really want to live this way forever more? Absolutely not.
I know I have self-esteem issues. I also wonder if this man was my last chance at a relationship. I have concerns about my age and the limits of my options. I am also too 'nice' and accomodating. Thinking that if you give people a chance and they see how wonderful you are, they will come around.
I have alot of work to do here. I have to be OK alone - which basically I think I am. I have to learn how to set boundaries, as well as learn to say no this is not working out for me alot sooner.
This forum is a great resource to me. As well, I am reading some great books and hopefully with time, I can be strong. And move on.
And hopefully eventually, I can find someone who can love me the way I want someone to. I guess only time will tell......
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