Separated in the same house after 5yr marriage...Mindgames or move on?
Hello everyone, great forum with lots of good info. I have recently been having some issues in my marriage that has resulted in my wife telling me last month she “loves me but is not in love with me anymore.” She says that she is just not the married type.
A little history, we met in the Air Force and she got pregnant so we moved back to the Midwest to have a family and live around her nosy and controlling family. To me that was the mistake. When we were in Cali she was strong willed and we got along great. Here next to her family she was depressed and felt like they were controlling her. Her mother is very controlling and is very rude, will never say she is sorry. For the last three years I have tried to make the woman happy as she stayed home through both of our kids to take care of them. She has had obvious depression through all of this.
So about a year ago her grandfather with whom she was close died and she took care of him about a month prior to his death and saw a lot of awful things. She had already had terrible postpartum from out son who was almost a year old at this time. Then her father got us into online gaming with him. He has been doing this for years and it seemed fun at first. We got to spend time with him through the team comms several nights a week and it was a nice release. Then she got into this Instant messenger chat program that other gamers use. She left our team to go to a younger immature bunch of guys to play with. She disconnected from her family and me for several months before I found out and would do nothing but chat and play online all day and night. She neglected everything that she used to care about and was capable of handling as well. She started talking a lot to one in particular that was underage and ended up falling in love with him. I found out about this as she lied to me and was actually going to take a road trip down to see him (although she told me otherwise). She kicked me out of the house and I got pissed and took everything away from her and called the kids parents. I stayed with her parents and they were on my side. She then decided to have me come back and things were good for a few weeks while she was offline.
Things have escalated once again as she has found a new person that she chats with all night long even on work and school nights and has taken his interests. She insists there is no love between them and I believe that it is not his intention but they spend all their time talking to each other. Well she told me that she no longer loves me and that she hasn’t for a couple years and the gaming and internet addiction crap is a by product of this. She says that I have suffocated her and the arguing has diminished what was left over the years. We are quite different; she is the artsy vegetarian type, whereas I am the football and potatoes kind of guy. She says that she is just not the married type and should have never gotten married. She is also very irresponsible and cannot keep a handle on much of anything around the house or in most aspects of her life.
So here we are separated and living in the same house. We have been getting along a little better and have been still somewhat affectionate towards each other and are still having sex a few times a week but she insists that we are going to separate. She says we are just friends yet we still kiss and cuddle in the same bed at night. I am a little confused. I want my two kids to have both their parents but I am at a loss. I am afraid that this is a lost cause and I am being manipulated by her. Financially we are not able to move one of us out.
Just curious if anyone else can shed some light. I constantly flip-flop over this from being there for her hoping things we get better to saying the hell with it and moving on with my life. I have been depressed over this and have been coping primarily with exercise and a punching bag lately but am running out of steam. I appreciate any advice/comments for those of you who didn’t fall asleep reading this.
Last edited by MrMIke; 28th January 2006 at 10:54 PM..
She sounds so very immature, and it's sad that it's turned out this way...it's sad for you, I know, even more so for the kids. I'm sure if she's spending this kind of time online, those kids are going without in many ways. I'm sure as a father you do all you can, but they need a mother too.
Personally, if it were me, I honestly think as long as we were still living together, we would be living together minus the internet. I simply would not have it. If it were my husband we were speaking of and he was living his little fantasy life online for hours a day and then leaping into bed with me at night expecting kisses and hugs....are you kidding??? I just think you should put a stop to that. She needs to get this constant distraction out of her life. Somehow, maybe just because of her personality type, she seems to have become obsessive about it, and it has become something that is not at all a good thing for her life. If your marriage has a chance, I think she will have to agree to give it up.
Maybe it's true she doesn't love you anymore, but it seems to me there's a chance she doesn't know what she feels because everything is shadowed by this fantasy world she's living in, that she can find great love and excitement and be someone maybe she's dreaming of being...she does not stand a good chance at all, but I'm sure she doesn't see that...she's just too caught up.
Sue thanks for the reply and the advice, it is appreciated. Not a day goes by that I dont think about yanking the plug on the internet. The problem is that she will go absolutely insane if I do this. I have in the past and she really starts spouting off about how I am controlling her and I have no right. Sort of like taking a bottle from a drunk I guess. I am not sure if things would change if she would set aside the internet to come back to the normal social lifestyle that she was so unhappy in previously. I know that a lot of her reasoning about this whole not loving me thing and the internet just being a side effect just doesn't seem to add up to me or anyone else close to her that has watched the changes. She is an intelligent woman but I believe she has some issues that need to be addressed professionally before she can be a responsible adult again. I have tried getting her into to counseling and she finally agreed to go once but all she talked about was not being the married type and the couselor assured her that it was normal and that some people are not meant to be married. She revealed that she had issues and needed counseling some months back when she was offline for a few weeks and was eager to see a counselor about some of her issues. That has since changed as she believes her actions lately are completely normal and she just basically doesnt want to be bothered so she can live her life like a college kid with no real responsibilities especially a nagging husband. A friend of mine keeps telling me that I just need to "man up" and make it happen, give her an allowance and let her see what teh single life will really be like. Given time that will definitely be my course of action. For now I just seem to be in a constant state of confusion as to how someone could say that they dont love you but still acts the same as back when they said they did other than my release of control over her life.
I'm in agreement with SueGail. If the internet has become an interference in your household.....REMOVE the problem.
Your wife will be mad at you, but hey...she's already mad at you. So what's the difference? As far as 'putting her on an allowance and letting her see what the single life is all about', I can't see the benefit of that.
If your wife chooses to live the single life, she needs to be accountable for her decision. In other words, you tell her you love her but not to let the door hit her in the ass on the way out.
If you want to stay married and to keep your family intact, your actions should ALWAYS reflect your dedication to your goal. You are NOT being controlling by refusing to abet the destruction of your family dynamic.
You can't make her choices for her, but you CAN make choices that benefit your family as a whole. Right now, it's in your family's best interest to disconnect your internet service.
If you go that route, you can expect a huge conflagration. You'll need to prepare yourself in advance so that you react calmly. She's going to push you HARD, and you'll need to be ready so that you don't allow your anger and frustration to become engaged.
In the meantime, there are quite a few books on the market dealing with the marital relationship. I think it would behoove you to get to the bottom of some of the core problems in the marriage. Here are a couple of titles: Love Must Be Tough by Dobson His Needs / Her Needs by Harley The Five Love Languages by Chapman
Last edited by Ladyjane14; 29th January 2006 at 2:59 PM..
Mike, you know what? if you're paying all the household bills, (and it sounds to me as if you are) you certainly have a right to stop payment on the internet service. She's going to have a fit? Well, so be it...as LadyJane has said...she's upset already anyway.
It sounds to me as if she's pretty much a spoiled child, and she does need to grow up. It's a shame you're placed in the position of having to treat her like a child, but this is the situation you seem to be in. I don't know her and I may be all wrong, but from what you've described I don't know that counseling will be the answer because if she remains in a childish selfish mindset, she's not going to hear what people say to her...she's not going to listen. The thing that will change her is hard reality, those life changing experiences which make a person do some growing up, and maybe it will have to be something like having to try and make it for a time on her own....
If you want to save the family, get rid of the internet. Hook your wife up with some counseling, she needs it. If she doesn't want to go counseling to save the marriage then you need to take steps to take the children. She cannot possibly be a good mother spending hours on line everyday. It's ridiculous.
If you take the kids, make sure that she knows she's going to have to get out, get a job and support herself. You'll be amazed at the response you'll get if she figures out that she's on her own and THAT YOU MEAN IT. You'll have to show her that you mean it. Do not back down, your kids future is at stake. If she says you're controlling then say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm doing what I feel is best for our children since you're not thinking clearly right now" Repeat as necessary.
I'll weigh in here with DITTO to all of the above.
Compile all the evidence you need to stand before a judge and get custody of the kids, if it comes to that, but I don't think it will. Print out the online chat stuff and confront her with it and tell her how her behavior is affecting you and the children and that you care too much about the family to stand by and let her do this anymore, so you're taking the internet out of the house.
Tell her you that you want to use the time she's been spending on the internet to care for the children together and then work on the marriage so she gets the emotional needs met that she feels is lacking. Show her the website www.marriagebuilders.com and ask her to take the emotional needs inventory there and start setting aside 15 hrs. a week to do things that will fill up the love bank of your marriage. (Check out the website so you know what this means!).
If she doesn't want to cooperate, you will take the evidence you've printed out and consult a lawyer for a legal separation (some states don't have this, so check your state's laws online through google.com) and she can go back home to live with her parents, but the children stay. This means you'll have to line someone up for childcare, which is probably the only reason you haven't asked her to leave.
Now if you want to continue to use her for childcare and sex with a minimal amt. of hassle to you, do nothing. If you really want to change the situation, then you're gonna have to take charge of it, knowing and stating what you hope the outcome will be--a real marriage of intimacy where both people are getting their needs met in a family that can raise happy, healthy children. This takes a lot of work, more than what most folks are willing to do.
Replace the word internet with alcohol or drink and the message may seem a little clearer.
She has an addiction and should deal with it. Just as a drunk feels more at home with their drunk friends in a bar somewhere. She is at home in a chat room. They don’t have to be accountable for their actions or have any responsibility to anyone but themselves.
You’re right about the comment that she will think you are controlling if you unplug the internet. She will probably just go somewhere else to get her fix.
You need to decide just how important to you it is that she stops. Are you willing to put your marriage on the line in order for her to stop the behavior? Is it that important? If the answer is yes go, see an addiction councilor or an AA councilor.
Just like an alcoholic she is going to have to come to the realization herself before she seeks any help. Obviously you and her family telling her is not working so she needs to know that you mean business….unplug the internet, heck throw the whole computer away…
I'd bet quite a bit it was one of those two...with the greater odds of it being EQ or EQII.
The advice you've been given so far is spot on. Realize you're dealing with a couple of addictions here...one is her addiction to the internet and online gaming. The other is her addiction to the feelings that the attention from these other guys online is creating in her.
One...disconnect the internet...PERIOD.
Two...get marriage counseling ASAP.
Three...check out the books and sites that others in this thread have already suggested.
__________________
"The newsflash is that in the game of love we are ALL at Vegas, some of us are bigger gamblers than others...
Welcome to VEGAS BABY! " --Tomcat33, May 21, 2008
"Just don't cry when the odds beat YOU" Owl, Sep 08
The link was actually sent to me by another poster who started on this forum and then moved over to MB at my suggestion...whose marriage was also nearly ended by playing online MMORPG's. He's actually one of the few people I know who has been through the exact same thing and managed to save his marriage from a relationship started in game.
Thanks to all of you for your responses. I am in the stages of trying to get myself positioned to remove this connection. I don’t pay for it, it comes by way of a wireless antenna that connects to my office (which is owned by my father-in-law) a few miles down the road. He has been ready to disconnect it so I will have a sit down with him and see when it will happen. She already knows that he will do it as well and will not be happy with him either. She still has access to AIM at school in their lab so she will still be able to talk to her so called friend but the gaming and gaming community involvement will become difficult while she is at home. I am hopeful that she can wake up and get back to real interaction with others again. She is as stubborn as they come and will fight me to the last draw so I will have to make sure I have all of my cards ready for this because she will flip.
As a couple we have not always made the best decisions in the past and a lot of our tension began when I started to move on past it and focus on family-time and having a nice house for my kids to come home to.
Lady- Thanks for the book suggestions I will definitely be checking these out if the girl I married chooses to return. I actually almost had her ready to move out by herself and leave the kids with me. She had planned to go live in the dorms at the all girls college that she goes to currently for a while. It was only after a conversation with her mom that changed her mind. She said “I know you’re crazy now if you are going to give up your kids” then gave her the third degree and now she wants the kids. I would have been fine with that.
Sue- She is very spoiled and part of that is my fault. I have always given her what she wanted in the past and have been there for her whenever she needed something. In her current state she completely rationalizes everything that is going on and sees no need for counseling for her or the both of us. It may actually take a dose of reality to knock some sense into her. It is sad because I went through this mindset ten years ago and it took reality for me to realize what was really important in my life. When talking to her at times I feel like I am speaking to a teenager.
Pixie- If things don’t work out I could only hope that I get some of the things that you suggest. My kids are my world and I love them to death. My wife really is a great mother to them when she can focus on it. I don’t know that I would stand a chance in a custody battle unless her parents were on my side, which they are now but….
Becoming- Thanks for ten suggestions. I have tried to explain myself in these terms to her but she does not listen to me. I already pay $900 a month in preschool bills for my kids so if she was to leave not much would change in that area. I do plan to consult a lawyer this week when I get some time during business hours to sort out the details of the situation.
GuySimple- That is exactly what my counselor told me. From what we discussed in his office it was just like the internet were drugs or alcohol with all of the symptoms I described. Great idea about talking to an AA type of counselor about this I never thought of that, thanks!
Owl- The Game is/was FarCry. Not your typical or widely know online game. It is an all male character FPS. You are right about her attention and praise that she is getting from the guys she plays with, this fills her with confidence. Glad to hear your situation is getting better. I was amazed at how similar your situation was to what I am going through. I haven’t played any games in weeks and don’t plan to. I can’t enjoy them anymore with all of this going on nor do I have the time.
I got to go everybody, thank you so much for all of your advice. I will keep you posted on what is going on and welcome any more suggestions.
Good for you, MrMike, in taking charge of this situation. Sounds like you're getting your ducks in a row. I hope you get your wife back, but you know you're probably in for a bumpy ride. She doesn't seem to have any idea what she's missing. Too bad.
If you're paying for childcare (I know, it's hard to believe the cost, huh?), what exactly does she do all day besides go to school? Does she have a clue what life's gonna be like without you footing the bills? Or is she simply too addicted?
Best wishes, MrM. Keep us posted when you can. It helps others to know how things get resolved.
Becoming- Thanks, I am trying to have a game plan about this so that when it does start to escalate here I have got all my bases covered so she can’t try to bully me around. I hope that we can work things out for my family’s sake as well but a part of me has changed since all of this has happened. I have obvious trust issues now with her and I feel used by it all. The thorn is my kids; I love them to death and would do anything to provide them with the family life that I missed out on for most of my childhood but it in some cases that’s too much to ask I guess. If it weren’t for them I would have only had to close the door on my way out after all of this. It may be too late for our marriage I am sorry to say, I can only put up with so much BS. I figure if I can at least help her see the light she can be a better mother and provider for my kids if we go our separate ways. But maybe removing the bottle or internet from her life may change her and she can be my Juliet again
We put the kids in daycare because the home life that they had with her was unhealthy. This was my first attempt to provide her with some space to get rid of her depression so she could get some motivation back into her life. She didn’t start working until about 2 months of having the house to herself and she did a whole lot of nothing all day. This didn’t help our case because I would ask her to do something simple like feed HER dogs and it would go undone for a week while I did it at midnight. Now she works a couple days during the week in the evenings and goes to school for a couple hours everyday. The rest of the time she is home alone asleep because she stays up until about 4-6am every night playing and talking to her so called friend on the computer. I think not having me do all that I do around the house and with the kids for her maybe a bit of a shocker. Hopefully she will accept the challenge and start taking care of things.
I think it's gonna take a big shock. Sounds like she's living in lala land.
Also sounds like depression got the best of her. Was she ever medicated? I just read somewhere decent that 1500 mg. Omega 3 capsules/day are necessary to restore the essential oils depleted by babies. The brain requires these essential oils to function properly. Not having them is like trying to drive a car without oil. You can do it but it ain't gonna be pretty in the long run.
Good luck. I know it's rough. Just don't forget to tell your Juliet that Romeo's still waiting at her window. She may yet come around. But until she does, you have to take care of the children, you know.
OK...my friend, after giving this more thought, I think that you too need to go over to the marriagebuilders.com website, and look at the information there as well as the forum.
First things first...it sounds like you've got a lot of information, but it wouldn't hurt to get more yet. I would install a keylogger on your computer so that you can track what she's saying/doing online. Start keeping an eye on her phone communication too...so you know when/if she resumes calling someone and planning something.
Next...expose what she's doing to her family and friends. Don't go there trying to hurt anyone...go and ask them for their help in convincing her to stop her behavior and start working on her marriage and family. Make it clear that you love her, and want to fight for your marriage, and you're simply asking them for their assistance in getting her to end this.
Also...look up what 'plan A' is over there. Start trying to make the changes in your marriage that you know you need to...if you've not started doing so. Look up the emotional needs questionaire, and see if you can figure out where you've been lacking in meeting her needs, and work on those. At the same time, don't give up letting her know how much you do love her and that you want her to end the affair. Again, read ALL of the material on that site. Don't be clingy or whiney (I know how tough it is to avoid that in the situation you're in...trust me!). Work on being confidant, calm, and firm.
If you have (or get) any information on OM...then expose what OM is doing to his family/friends/wife/girlfriend/whatever. And try to enlist THEIR aid in getting him to end his relationship with a married woman.
She will be FURIOUS with you when you do this...don't let that rattle you. This is normal...remain calm, and stick to your guns.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Separated in the same house after 5yr marriage...Mindgames or move on?
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