It seems like when something bothers me or upsets me, I can't seem to find the right words to tell my bf. And out of frustration or anger, I tend to come out as the "attacker" rather than by me simply wanting to be heard, not necessarily complaining or whining.
I try to start in a calm manner and always try to use the "I" statements (i.e. I feel hurt, I feel rejected, etc.).. But when I feel like I'm not being heard, I feel more frustrated, therefore, forgetting how to simply communicate in a proper manner.
And in response, my bf withdraws from me. When he knows I'm upset or frustrated, he gives me that space. But the more I can't talk to him, the more it kills me inside.
Eventually, when I cool off (or when he cools off), we talk about it. But I prefer to work out our conflicts/issues as soon as it comes up rather than waiting it out.
It's silly because I practice yoga, but I keep forgetting to take a deep breath before saying anything whenever I'm under stress.
So, are there any suggestions as to how to improve my communication skills? Books to recommend or any techniques? Somebody?
Eventually, when I cool off (or when he cools off), we talk about it. But I prefer to work out our conflicts/issues as soon as it comes up rather than waiting it out.
Seems to me that you need the cooling off period before you bring it up. It's much like receiving a nasty email. Your gut reaction is to fire off something in return without thinking much about it.
However, if you wait, if you stew over the email for a day, most of the time your reply will contain less anger and be more intelligent and concise.
My suggestion is if you know you will get angry if you discuss things right away, don't get angry and don't discuss them right away. Take a day to think about it before you talk to him.
__________________ ...the purpose of a doormat is to wipe your feet on it, not love and respect it. - Balthazar The No Contact Guide
It's just that I have a (bad) habit of blowing off my steam right there and then to make me feel better. Once I let it all out, I feel much better. Then I'm cool with it. I could be over it.
I'll be mad for that very minute, then I'm fine with it.
But see, his approach is different. He returns back to his "cave" when he's mad/angry/upset and prefers to have his own space.
He doesn't like the fact that I'm "not in-control" of my emotions. He thinks I'm too sensitive, or overreact. I'm really not. I just prefer to let it all out -- whatever I feel at the moment, I'll tell him. It's my way of saying, "Hey, this bothers me, and I really care about you, about us. I'm not trying to pick a fight. So what can we do about it?"
He doesn't think it's right that once I blow off my steam that I'm cool with it, and to him, it's not really cool.
Yes that's what I did with my bf also he said that he respects me and whatever I said he will take into account and in return he doesn't say anything back that is just his way of dealing with issues. He keeps his emotions up his sleeve as long as he lets me say what's on my mind I don't pressure him into saying anything. Because I don't want to keep pushing for things to happen.
It's just that I have a (bad) habit of blowing off my steam right there and then to make me feel better. Once I let it all out, I feel much better. Then I'm cool with it. I could be over it.
I'll be mad for that very minute, then I'm fine with it.
But see, his approach is different. He returns back to his "cave" when he's mad/angry/upset and prefers to have his own space.
He doesn't like the fact that I'm "not in-control" of my emotions. He thinks I'm too sensitive, or overreact. I'm really not. I just prefer to let it all out -- whatever I feel at the moment, I'll tell him. It's my way of saying, "Hey, this bothers me, and I really care about you, about us. I'm not trying to pick a fight. So what can we do about it?"
He doesn't think it's right that once I blow off my steam that I'm cool with it, and to him, it's not really cool.
Read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It helps address a lot of these very same issues.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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