boyfriends children being the deal breaker

20th January 2006, 4:21 PM

my ex and i resently got back together. when talking through our break up issues he informed me his biggest issue was my not talking to his kids.

i knew it was an issue & was trying, but it must not have been good enough. i admit i am not comfortable with kids. i love his kids and would love to have the type of joking easy going relationship i see others have, but can't seem to break through the fear.

now it feels like it is a 'requirement' and he will be grading my performance to see if i'm good enough to stay together with. which makes it that much more frightening.

does anyone have any suggestions on how to bypass the fear? i have to spend time with them for the first time this weekend and am so nerves i'll probably puke...which will make a wonderful impression don't you think?

i'm open for any suggestions. please.

ohzee · 20th January 2006, 8:53 PM

Would you be kind enough to elaborate on exactly what the fear is? Perhaps someone might be able to help.

Zee

Outcast · 20th January 2006, 9:16 PM

What's so scary? Don't you remember being a kid? Well they're just like you were. They're humans just like everyone else you know. They just don't know as much and haven't experienced as much.

clandestinidad · 20th January 2006, 10:28 PM

How old are these kids...and how many of them are there??

Milo · 20th January 2006, 10:33 PM

It's a bit strange that your boyfriend is forcing the relationship between you and his kids. Not good. And besides, it's a two-way street. The kids have a say in it as well.

cygny · 20th January 2006, 10:40 PM

yeah, something doesn't sound right--seems like he should be the bridge, smoothing it over for you so that you can connect. are you sure it's not an excuse?

clandestinidad · 20th January 2006, 10:53 PM

I'm not too sure if I agree w/ that

I have a daughter, and after being together over a year, my now ex still had problems interacting with her. So I can understand where this guy's coming from.....but thats why I asked how old they are, b/c if they're in their teens, then its a little bit different than if theyre toddlers or something.

How long have you 2 been together? If its over a year, and you have discussed a future together, then I think there should be SOME relationship/communication w/ his kids...nothing necessarily deep, but at least something b/c its a reflection of how you feel about the SO.

If its just a couple months, then I agree w/ the other posters that he shouldnt be pushing the relationship w/ his kids on you like that. Thats a time where the 2 of you should be working on building your relationship, not forming a family.

so...can you provide more information for us so we can help you a little better?

Milo · 20th January 2006, 11:02 PM

Your'e right, Kat. I really didn't have anything to go on, since the original poster hasn't provided any details.

clandestinidad · 20th January 2006, 11:05 PM

Yeah, you'd think she'd come back and let us know.....new people are strange like that...popping in and out. Hopefully she'll come back on

Milo · 20th January 2006, 11:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kat23

Yeah, you'd think she'd come back and let us know.....new people are strange like that...popping in and out. Hopefully she'll come back on

But the addiction takes time to set in.

21st January 2006, 2:54 PM

i appreciate your quick replies. i'm sorry i wasn't expecting such quick answers so logged off for the night.

the boys are 7 and 9. they are the cutest sweetest kids i've ever met. they aren't making it difficult for me to be with their dad. in fact, the youngest was starting to nag his dad about getting me a ring. : ). what a good kid, huh?

yes, i do remember being a kid. we were to be seen, not heard. we weren't allowed to show emotions whether happy or sad. if happy, we were embarrassing them, if sad we should appreciate what we had and shut it. it was a pretty miserable way to grow up. especially since i'm quite an emotional (in a good way) person.

then i got pregnant and had to give up my daughter for adoption. from then on i tried very hard to not be around kids and if i was i stayed the hell out of the way. if i let myself be around kids to long i start thinking about my daughter and feel like such a failure for not being able to stand up to everyone & keep her.

to be honest by b/f had a point. i loved the boys dearly but didn't ever really have conversations with them. but, let me tell you, when he broke up w/me i missed those kids & i felt like a complete failure. to make matters worse during the angriness of the breakup my b/f told me "you have no social skills when it comes to kids". so that nice little tidbit has been running over and over in my head.

about 4 months have passed since i last saw them all. when i walked into the house the boys were so happy to see me. you know how boys get all silly and show offish. they've grow about a foot each and seem so grown up. i wanted to hug them, kiss them and cry like a girl, but of course i didn't. i really made an effort to talk to them. i don't have an outgoing personality in fact, i'm pretty laid back. i don't think it's possible to change myself into an out-going chatterbox but no one could say i didn't talk to them, or spend time with them or interact with them.

i can see cygny's point about it being an excuse on his part. maybe he uses it at an easy out when he doesn't want to deal with the work that comes w/being in a relationship.

i don't know if it was my nerves, but the b/f seemed to be acting a little quiet when i left. it could have been the fact i wasn't staying over but i'm a little freaked out. i love the guy & i love those kids but i don't want to get attached again just to have him rip them out of my life.