[Jcee]

My parents have been divorced for going on 20 years now. I grew up in a single mother home along with my little brother. My father pretty much only saw us during summer break and eventually when my brother turned 16 he moved in with my father and continues to live in the same city now. I've grownup, moved a round a bit and finally settled down. I rarely speak to my father (maybe a handful of times a year) and haven't spoken to my brother in 2 years. I'm very close with my mother.

And now I'm getting married/moving and I want to disown/cutoff (don't know the appropriate term) my father.
Okie I'll give you some major background details as to why:
1) My father abused me for many years till I was about 11. No one in my family knows about it.
2) My father is very selfish and controlling.
3) My father is the typical dead beat dad, was always short with child support and drinks a lot.
4) He tries to 'buy' my forgiveness with money and gifts.
5) He treats me like a child. (I’m 26)
6) He really doesn't know me...literality.

There's more.
1) I've forgiven my father for the abuse (we've talked about it)...but I've used it against him to get money in times of need (like I was broke on my ass and needed to pay the rent)...I stopped doing that years ago After therapy.
2) He remarried years ago to this wonderful woman I adore...but she doesn't know me that well either.
3) I've been putting off severing my relationship with my father because of my brother (who he use to worship)...but now I don't care anymore, he's a grown adult and can make his own decisions.


Recently my father has been planning a vacation and was going to 'drop by' for my wedding and see me. Being young, in the process of selling my house, and getting ready to move I asked him to contribute to my wedding...he more than hesitated. Then proceeded to rattle off all these excuses...medical bills, no work, hard year...blah blah...but yet he can afford a 2nd lakeside house and to take my stepmother on a 2 month vacation thought the states (which they do yearly)?
And what did I ask for?....his support, his time, and 1500$. My wedding is going to cost nothing...less than 3000$...we’re eating much of the costs ourselves. We just want our family and friends there to have fun and celebrate our love. He said he'd try to come up with 'something'...and will be around for 'a day or two'.

Then I had an epiphany...I Don't want my father at my wedding at all. I would rather get a small loan then ask for money from him again. The near thought that I would Have to Endure his presence at MY wedding...disgusted me. All for 1500 and the chance to see my stepmother?
I don't think so.
And I've always felt that I Never want him around my children (planning on having a few soon)...Never.

So I ask you this...having now read the above...do I have just cause to cut this man out of my life?
I know what it is I'm planning to do with the situation...I just thought it wise to get a few opinions and different points of view before I make such a large decision. I've been thinking of doing this for years...but now more than ever, my mom told me to think about it for awhile...it's been a year.
I can't take it anymore.

[bluechocolate]

I'm puzzled that you asked him for money to help pay for your wedding when you've been thinking about cutting him off for years now.

You must have gone through this with your therapist - I'm surprised you've kept so silent about the abuse. What about your brother's children (if and when he has any)?

If this is something you really want to do, then so be it. It sounds like you don't have much of a relationship now anyway. And you're certainly right to be concerned about ever letting him near your children (when you have them).

I may be a rarity when I say this, but when it comes to family, I have always held the belief that blood is not thicker than water.

[morrigan]

Just because someone is your biological parent doesn't mean that they've ever been a father to you. If you don't want to speak to him, write or email and make it clear that that he should respect your wishes by not attending the wedding.

I can understand how you feel that he owes you somehow, but this is a person who thinks he can buy back your acceptance and affection. It has nothing to do with actual regret or an apology for what he did to you. It wouldn't make you feel any better if you did accept money from him. His 'goodwill' will make you more resentful about the past abuse and he may feel he has even more of a right to play dad when the mood suits him.

If anything, be honest with your brother about your decision. It's your choice to tell your brother what occurred in your past or not, although I would lean toward telling him if it might prevent one of his children from going through what happened to you.

[Jcee]

Originally Posted by bluechocolate

I'm puzzled that you asked him for money to help pay for your wedding when you've been thinking about cutting him off for years now.

You must have gone through this with your therapist - I'm surprised you've kept so silent about the abuse. What about your brother's children (if and when he has any)?

If this is something you really want to do, then so be it. It sounds like you don't have much of a relationship now anyway. And you're certainly right to be concerned about ever letting him near your children (when you have them).

I may be a rarity when I say this, but when it comes to family, I have always held the belief that blood is not thicker than water.

I've been puzzled myself, I keep hoping that he'll change or that he'll see the woman I am now...not some child who he can blind with treats.
I don't want anything from my father...I just thought that on a very important day to me he would be willing to help me & support me...and wanted to do so, not out of quilt...but out of love.
But I've been wanting him to do that for years now...but we don't always get what we want.

I plan to tell my brother when I think he can handle the news, I could never live with myself if this cycle of abuse didnt end with me. He's young and close to my father...he wouldn't believe me just now. But surely before my father goes near his future kids.

Thank you so much for the feedback!