I need to vent. I am aching. I feel abused, used, mistreated, taken for granted, ugly and like an overall failure in relationships or knowing how to get loved back. But I don’t know if I’m making a big deal out of some things or if my fears and assumptions are correct and his behaviour confirms and shows that he just does not love me. We have lived together for going 3 years.
Some things I’m going to tell you guys are going to send you right to the reply box with a “dump him, he needs to get a job”, or maybe not. He is severely diabetic and has no money to switch to an insulin pump, in addition to the diabetes, he has Hep C as a probably result of blood transfusion in 1987.
I have been the only breadwinner for the last year, but I have no insurance benefits because I have been a contract worker my entire career. He is HIGHLY skilled in computers, has training and certificates but claims most of the time lately he is either “too sick to work” or when he’s arguing and fighting and “defending” himself against me he says “why should I work for YOU?” or “I’ll NEVER work for YOU” or “”you make me miserable, I have no drive to work for You” While in the meantime I pay our full rent (which is more than I’ve ever paid in my life ever), pay for our food, pay for his insulin/syringes, the phone and cable bills (internet connection and tv). I do most of the driving. All that and most of the time he truly complains. For every tiny, half-assed acknowledgement there are 5 times more the complaints. Sometimes I swear it seems like he is complaining
He comes from a more blue collar, college is a luxury type household and I am from a more type "a", over-acheiving, education is everything family. So he often says my demands are “spoiled” or this morning the thing that upset me that happened that sent me here to loveshack is that he supposedly had scheduled a job interview this morning. When I woke up for work I asked him what time he wanted to wake up. He bit my head off and said “OMG- you are OBSESSED” I was just trying to be thoughtful of his needs. It just feels like abuse sometimes, ya know. IMHO he can be very cruel and impatient and unfair to me. God it hurts so much when I review it.
The thing is, he is the one that says I am abusive to him. I will be honest. I DO get more physical (while he rarely does not), I have a history of being in previously sort of violent relationships (where usually my friends insisted I was the “victim”) and I have a really short fuse for him now, and a quick tendency to get very upset with him. But in my mind this often begins initially because I am hurt, and dreading his button pushing which I feel he plans and does on purpose. He then comes back at me and says "my anger is unpredictable." This (to me) emotional torture/mindscrew is so predictably prevalent I have harboured resentment, literally sooooo much resentment toward him. My descriptions of the stuff he does to upset me haven’t even touched the surface.
If I ask him what time his insulin shot is, he bites my head off for not knowing and I will never respect that he needs to take his shot at a certain time. If I try to remind him it's time for him to take his shot or ask him what time he needs to wake up he says I am obsessed. Why is he screwing with my head like this????
I know so many people will jump to the opinion of “ just leave him” or “get counseling”. I do realize one of those solutions is necessary to make this work. I don’t know how open he is to the counseling. That would be my first move in a second. However I am aware of the dynamics of the “cylcle of violence” and if there are abusive patterns in my relationship, most domestic violence counselors stress that relationship counseling doesn help that dynamic.
I partly feel that he is doing all of this in his usual passive aggressive manner so that I will leave him and he can then continue to blame me for the demise. I don’t want to be his scapegoat anymore. I loved and believed in him soooo much when we started this relationship.
He is a grown man and should be more intuned with his medical problems as far as taking care of them on his own, remebering his shots etc.
Yes you will probably get people to tell you to either try couples counseling or get out of it. However, I'm a firm believer in people trying to make it work by getting outside help if need be. Then after everything has been tried there is to try and things still wont work then it might be time to call it quits. So possibly suggest counseling to him. If he does NOT want to try that for the sake of the relationship, then I think you may have your answer. Its not one sided, has to be both that want to work on things.
Jade
__________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
He is a grown man and should be more intuned with his medical problems as far as taking care of them on his own, remebering his shots etc.
Yes you will probably get people to tell you to either try couples counseling or get out of it. However, I'm a firm believer in people trying to make it work by getting outside help if need be. Then after everything has been tried there is to try and things still wont work then it might be time to call it quits. So possibly suggest counseling to him. If he does NOT want to try that for the sake of the relationship, then I think you may have your answer. Its not one sided, has to be both that want to work on things.
Jade
I agree, I do want to make it work.
I am just so confused why he is blaming me for everything. I feel like he is taking his health conditions out on me and I feel that he blames every horrible thing in his life on me.
I know you don't want to hear this but i would say he has some control issues and suggest that you two go to couple counseling if you all want to make a go of it.. Otherwise if not willing than you should move on !!
sounds like you want to make it work and will do anything to try, so go that route. as to why he is doing this, well probably he is angry at life for starters and unhappy so taking it out on you. not sure you can fix that if that's the case.
I so lost or maybe just in serious denial. I'm still trying to establish if what he is doing is abusive or natural male stuff or if it is really just me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cygny
sounds like you want to make it work and will do anything to try, so go that route. as to why he is doing this, well probably he is angry at life for starters and unhappy so taking it out on you. not sure you can fix that if that's the case.
As far as working it out, of course I do. But I'm really scared I mad a bad choice again. It does hurt and to be honest, his insults and accusations are sinking in to deep and he does say the same about mine.
I question whether I am a good or effective partner. Not only do I harbor resentment for him, I have for as long as I can remember have had a confidence problem and he almost seems to go out of his way to trigger it. I have really began to believe and internalize the negative stuff and I feel like crap about myself.
But could it paranoid on my part to think he is doing this all on purpose? I think that is what I've been trying to say, maybe...
what he is doing, as far as your description anyway, is not normal male behavior. read some of the other posts on this forum and you will see some really thoughtful, considerate men, along with ones that have issues with women. it will help you gain some perspective.
and you need to gain your self-esteem back. it sounds like you are doing everything in the relationship and he is picking at you. this cannot be good for you.
as to your last question, would you be able to accept it if he WAS intentionally pushing you away? what would you do if he were? how would you know for sure or would there always be a part of you that thought it was your own fault?
Last edited by cygny; 13th January 2006 at 6:55 PM..
I don't know if he is doing it on purpose or not but it is probably a familiar pattern to him that he keeps living.
He seems quite immature and irresponsible.
Blaming you gets him off the hook.
You could try counseling but usually these types of deep issues as not working and abusive behavior don't change.
I know you care about him. Of course you do or you wouldn't still be there and putting up with this stuff!
He could end up ruining you financially which is not an easy mess to clean up. He is an adult and has been dealing with his diabetes for years and he knows how to take care of himself. He has just been dumping it on you. He isn't a child who needs to be reminded when to do things.
What I would do is either have him move out or you move out and take the relationship back down a level to dating. So that is what I would do.
Good luck to you and sorry you have to go through this stuff.
as to your last question, would you be able to accept it if he WAS intentionally pushing you away? what would you do if he were? how would you know for sure or would there always be a part of you that thought it was your own fault?
I do think at this point if I knew he didn't love me and was just in it to USE me as I have been fearing and accusing him of lately I would be able to burn my bridge away from him more. If he is just so down and out and depressed that he doesn't mean to treat me like ****, I would have guilt. Does that make sense?
Quote:
Originally Posted by justagirliegirl
What I would do is either have him move out or you move out and take the relationship back down a level to dating. So that is what I would do.
Good luck to you and sorry you have to go through this stuff.
I do think at this point if I knew he didn't love me and was just in it to USE me as I have been fearing and accusing him of lately I would be able to burn my bridge away from him more. If he is just so down and out and depressed that he doesn't mean to treat me like ****, I would have guilt. Does that make sense?
yeah i can completely understand how you feel. you don't want to abandon him if it's just because he's at a low point. You're loyal.
At some point though if its getting you down too much you've got to save yourself no matter what about him, ya know? don't let him drag your self-esteem down, that's too hard to recover from.
I'm no professional, but.....yeah, his behavior sounds a bit "passive/aggressive" to me. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say he's likely suffering from some depression.
Like Jade said though...."he's a grown man". You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.
I think that the compromise solution would be to give him a fairly clear choice. Either he gets a depression screening and follows through with treatment as needed. Or he get's his junk and gets out.
You should make certain that he has an ABSOLUTE understanding of the fact that you expect him to go back to work eventually. It's one thing to 'be there' for him and help him achieve his goals. It's another thing altogether if he doesn't have any goals to achieve. His health issues aren't disabling, and most diabetic people can live a very full, normal life if they're willing to MANAGE their diabetes. The same can be said for the Hep C.
If you put the 'ball in his court', it will be incumbant upon HIM to make the choice on if the marriage survives or not. He's not going to be able to turn all that back around on you. You gave him a clear and concise understanding of what is required for him to continue on in the role of Seeking_A_Life's husband.
Most likely you took the same vow that alot of us did...."in sickness, or in health", but that doesn't make you his mother. This guy is treating you like you are. You don't "owe him a living". Further, his "sickness" is not being managed effectively, and YOU are powerless to make those decisions for him. He has to proactively manage his health on his own.
Toward that end, I'd stop giving him reminders about his medication and whatnot. Let him know that you're not going to be doing that for him anymore....so if he elects to put himself in a diabetic coma for lack of attention to his illness, that's HIS choice. Tell him you'll be happy to dial 911 for him if you happen to notice that he's unconscious.
I would also recommend that you get into Individual Counseling. I think you could use some support. There shouldn't be ANY violence in your relationships. If that's coming from you....then YOU need to be the one to address it, same as he needs to address his issues.
IC will help you draw up personal boundaries in terms of how you allow other people to treat you. If you're having difficulty controlling your anger and lashing out at people....you're going to have difficulty as well in setting your boundaries. You'll be feeling bad about yourself for not being able to manage this, and when your self-esteem suffers you're much more likely to let people get away with treating you poorly. It becomes a vicious cycle.
Anyway, I'm all for MC (marriage counseling) when a couple is having difficulty in communication or in problem-solving issues together....but I think there's more at work here.
You don't seem to be defending yourself adaquately. It sounds more like you're being pushed to the point of "lashing out" in an angry way. You're not doing the most effective job of illiciting REAL change in the dynamics of the relationship. In IC, you'll get some specific guidance and support.
Last edited by Ladyjane14; 13th January 2006 at 7:37 PM..
yeah i can completely understand how you feel. you don't want to abandon him if it's just because he's at a low point. You're loyal.
At some point though if its getting you down too much you've got to save yourself no matter what about him, ya know? don't let him drag your self-esteem down, that's too hard to recover from.
how would you know it if he was just using you?
Toooo loyal!
How would i know if he was just using me? um, i wish i knew for sure. like this morning his reaction to my asking if he wanted me to wake him. when he bit my head off like that i felt like his true colors were coming out. Another time just last week, he dozed off asleep and when he woke up we argued because I felt like he scowled at me. That's what I mean. I DON't Know for sure. Hence why when he accuses me of being "paranoid" I am second guessing myself.
maybe i should read that book, he's just that into you. hah, i bet buying it and bringing it home alone would be a good test. jk...
Boyfriend, which, see, poses the problem of how I have given way too much of myself and my love to him already. AND I he just gets all sorts of loyalty and devotion for NOTHING.
Because ironically everything LadyJane says still hits home for me in the situation, to how I feel about him in my heart, and how I feel it should be. I guess that's cuz I love him? Or that initially he said he did want to marry me...Or because at 38 years old I have still never been married and first had an 11 year relationship, which ended in nothing, then now a 5 year relationship I remain devoted to and still nothing....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ladyjane14
I'm no professional, but.....yeah, his behavior sounds a bit "passive/aggressive" to me. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say he's likely suffering from some depression.
Like Jade said though...."he's a grown man". You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.
I think that the compromise solution would be to give him a fairly clear choice. Either he gets a depression screening and follows through with treatment as needed. Or he get's his junk and gets out.
You should make certain that he has an ABSOLUTE understanding of the fact that you expect him to go back to work eventually. It's one thing to 'be there' for him and help him achieve his goals. It's another thing altogether if he doesn't have any goals to achieve. His health issues aren't disabling, and most diabetic people can live a very full, normal life if they're willing to MANAGE their diabetes. The same can be said for the Hep C.
If you put the 'ball in his court', it will be incumbant upon HIM to make the choice on if the marriage survives or not. He's not going to be able to turn all that back around on you. You gave him a clear and concise understanding of what is required for him to continue on in the role of Seeking_A_Life's husband.
Most likely you took the same vow that alot of us did...."in sickness, or in health", but that doesn't make you his mother. This guy is treating you like you are. You don't "owe him a living". Further, his "sickness" is not being managed effectively, and YOU are powerless to make those decisions for him. He has to proactively manage his health on his own.
Toward that end, I'd stop giving him reminders about his medication and whatnot. Let him know that you're not going to be doing that for him anymore....so if he elects to put himself in a diabetic coma for lack of attention to his illness, that's HIS choice. Tell him you'll be happy to dial 911 for him if you happen to notice that he's unconscious.
I would also recommend that you get into Individual Counseling. I think you could use some support. There shouldn't be ANY violence in your relationships. If that's coming from you....then YOU need to be the one to address it, same as he needs to address his issues.
IC will help you draw up personal boundaries in terms of how you allow other people to treat you. If you're having difficulty controlling your anger and lashing out at people....you're going to have difficulty as well in setting your boundaries. You'll be feeling bad about yourself for not being able to manage this, and when your self-esteem suffers you're much more likely to let people get away with treating you poorly. It becomes a vicious cycle.
Anyway, I'm all for MC (marriage counseling) when a couple is having difficulty in communication or in problem-solving issues together....but I think there's more at work here.
You don't seem to be defending yourself adaquately. It sounds more like you're being pushed to the point of "lashing out" in an angry way. You're not doing the most effective job of illiciting REAL change in the dynamics of the relationship. In IC, you'll get some specific guidance and support.
Lady, I don't think I Am defending myself adequately. He has found the perfect weapon to get me to shut up. He calls me crazy, says that I am the angry one and he's sick of it. Then goes into how I will always be alone because of it. He is dangling the fact that I want to be married in front of me. Arg,,I'm getting so sad just thinking about it. I do need counseling. you are so right,...
How would i know if he was just using me? um, i wish i knew for sure. like this morning his reaction to my asking if he wanted me to wake him. when he bit my head off like that i felt like his true colors were coming out. Another time just last week, he dozed off asleep and when he woke up we argued because I felt like he scowled at me. That's what I mean. I DON't Know for sure. Hence why when he accuses me of being "paranoid" I am second guessing myself.
maybe i should read that book, he's just that into you. hah, i bet buying it and bringing it home alone would be a good test. jk...
well ouch that must hurt when he is so cold to you, i could see why you think he might be pushing you away. it's not very loving or kind or even appreciative.
i read that book myself btw. it sure did make me stop making excuses for guys. and trust my own instincts more.
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