[skeptik224]

So, my story is posted on here so I won't go into the long story. (please check it out before responding if possible) We've been broken up for 3 months but have kissed, talked and e-mailed throughout the whole time. Today marks 2 weeks since our last contact, and I'm going out of my mind. Her birthday was this past Sat. I sent her a card but got no response. She just moved so it may have gone to the wrong address. We broke up basically because she's never been single and done the bar/dating thing. (she's 36 years old) She says she loves me, wants to date me and misses me but that this is something she just needs to do. What do I do? I want to contact her? I'm 95% sure she'll contact me again but what's the point? We both want different things - I want a committment - she wants to date around. She is dating someone else (it was 2 other people) but as of Saturday, I know for sure it's nothing serious. So...a few questions...

1. Won't this party stage get old?
2. Do I believe what she's told me? (she's a very blunt person)
3. Do you think she'll call again since that's what she's been doing?
4. Can she possibly just be that scared?
5. Why am I so scared to call/e-mail her
6. Shouldn't she be the one to contact me or am I playing a game?

The last conversation we had was via e-mail where we both agreed we'd take babysteps in getting to know each other again. When we saw each other, we kissed. She made comments about how well I know her and how I'm so good to her. Then it was just a text/short e-mail each week. My friend seems to think that things are fine on paper but when we see each other, both of our feelings come back and she gets scared again. She knows I'm the real deal...there isn't any better for her.

[Kengne]

Originally Posted by skeptik224

1. Won't this party stage get old?

Yes it will. But how quickly or slowly that happens is under her control - not yours.

Originally Posted by skeptik224

2. Do I believe what she's told me? (she's a very blunt person)

You believe what you want to believe. But IMO, she's been very candid with you about where she is in her life & what she wants - i.e. to date around, & not have any committment/serious attachment. Very clear & concise IMO.

Originally Posted by skeptik224

3. Do you think she'll call again since that's what she's been doing?

I'm sure she will. But my question to you is will you answer the phone?

Originally Posted by skeptik224

4. Can she possibly just be that scared?

Of a committment? Yes. If she's never been single and she's scared, no amount of pushing/cajoling/pleading your case will make her any less scared. If this is a stage she's going through - she's going to have to go through it fully, on her own, at her own pace.

Originally Posted by skeptik224

5. Why am I so scared to call/e-mail her

Because you are afraid she will not answer her phone, or respond to your email. You will feel rejected.

Originally Posted by skeptik224

6. Shouldn't she be the one to contact me or am I playing a game?

Yes - she should be the one to contact you.

Originally Posted by skeptik224

The last conversation we had was via e-mail where we both agreed we'd take babysteps in getting to know each other again. When we saw each other, we kissed. She made comments about how well I know her and how I'm so good to her. Then it was just a text/short e-mail each week. My friend seems to think that things are fine on paper but when we see each other, both of our feelings come back and she gets scared again. She knows I'm the real deal...there isn't any better for her.

If that's the case, then it's only a matter of time till she comes running back right?

But for now, I think you need to back off and give her her space.

K.

[salmagundi]

Hi skeptic,


I second all of the above. As you know I'm dealing with almost the same situation. You have to be patient as hell and you have to accept that the ball is wholly in her court, at least for as long as you are ok with waiting for her to figure herself out (once you are not ok with that, well...the ball will be in your court). You simply have to give her her space and wait for her to call. There is absolutely nothing else you can do that will make her come back. Sucks, eh? So dont call her. Better yet, get on with your own life. I don't necessarily mean date other people (i sure cant right now) but don't pine away. Just carry on with your life. If you keep yourself together and seem to her to be capable of moving on, maybe she will be afraid of losing you for good (after all, that is the risk she is taking) and make up her mind to come back to you. This is what i've been doing and so far it seems to be working for me (I'll know in a couple of days when i get back home...)

anyway, good luck

salmagundi

[gfto]

Originally Posted by skeptik224

1. Won't this party stage get old?
2. Do I believe what she's told me? (she's a very blunt person)
3. Do you think she'll call again since that's what she's been doing?
4. Can she possibly just be that scared?
5. Why am I so scared to call/e-mail her
6. Shouldn't she be the one to contact me or am I playing a game?

1. Not necessarily. I know women in their 50s who are still in the party stage.
2. No.
3. Not until she gets bored and lonely and needs a little ego boost.
4. No.
5. Because your gut tells you that she has zero interest in you at this point.
6. This question assumes that she's still interested in you. She isn't.

[LN8840K]

you want 2 different things .....

why would you wait around for her ?

Fantasy :

welcome to the fantasy shoe store, take your time and while you're at it let me tell you we have the color you want and there is no chance we will ever run out of your size and by the way our sale lasts a lifetime come back in a year and they will be the same price

Reality

Hi, wow good choice they have been selling fast ....wow you're in luck 1 pair left in your size, better buy them today they go off sale tomorrow then it's 20 dollars more if we can even get them

how are you selling yourself to this girl ?

don't wait around tell her since you want different things you are going to move on then do it ...she either gets with the program or you find someone looking for the same thing as yourself .......

[riobikini]

Skeptic,

I'm going to speak from my own experience, so be aware that my views are based on me and my very own set of personality traits and past circumstances, so only carefully relate it to this issue with your gf.

I dated someone years ago, who was was a wonderful caring person but who ended up only being my TRANSITIONAL BF a little more than two years after the death of my husband.

I didn't KNOW it was a transitional relationship.

I had no clue what 'transitional' meant in regards to dating relationships.

It had taken me two years to arrive at a place where my emotions were healthy enough to even begin to date again.

At the time, I was more than ready to dive back into dating, although I knew I didn't want to be involved in anything serious immediately.

I wanted to explore for awhile.

And exploring is a natural instinct that puts you in new territory where you learn new things and your life experiences grow.

I was uncomfortable with stepping back into the role of 'Mrs.' again, right away, as well as making any long-term serious commitment with my new BF.

He became very hurt and confused.

And he often sought to obtain the answers as to why I felt that way.

Which irritated me and made me begin to feel a particular 'dread' when I knew we were going to be seeing each other.

The almost tragic thing about all this was, is that I truly DID care about him deeply, but his expectation that I should make immediate choices and commitments concerning our relationship to more clearly define it (for him), really began to take it's toll on me....us.

I realized that I could not be in that relationship, or any relationship that demanded commitment involving future life plans together with someone, and needed more time figuring out myself as a developing human being.

Currently, with my present situation, I find myself drawing upon that experience from years ago, that helped me realize there is much about love that has more to do with giving you wings than taking them from you.

Skeptik, I do not know whether I have helped you, but I can only hope I have helped you to see your girlfriend's situation through my eyes.

She may love you more than she's willing to admit, and you may have great chemistry together, but if she's TRANSITIONING, it may be awhile before she's truly ready for anyone.

Here's a hug for you:

(Smile)

Take Care.

-Rio