[SWTTAFFY37]

My husband of 16 years told me last February that he wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. I was absolutely shocked. I thought everything was fine and couldn't figure out for the life of me why he was so unhappy. I never saw any signs that he was. I begged him to go to counseling, he refused, and so I tried my best to hold everything together for several months. He finally left in August when I discovered he had been having an online affair for almost 3 years! He filed for divorce a month later and we've been in divorce limbo ever since. Upon moving out he immediately joined several online dating services. This entire situation has left me questioning myself. Is there something wrong with me? My friends repeatedly tell me how cute and funny I am and even several people have said, "HE left YOU? Are you sure it's not the other way around?!".

My self-esteem being on the rocks, I got involved with someone I shouldn't have (he's married). This man was the total opposite of my husband and I fell for him hard. For two months I didn't give my husband a single thought. He (the mm) is having serious family issues and we haven't spoken in a week. I have no idea where our relationship stands at the moment and I'm almost hoping that it's over. There must be a nice, single man out there somewhere...

Last night one of my good friends told me that my husband sent her wink via an online dating service they both belong to. They met once several years ago and my husband obviously doesn't remember her. I knew he was doing this, but to wink one of my friends hurt like he**. I was able to read his profile and it was full of lies. It was all about how honest, caring, religious, and attentive he is. I just wanted to puke. Not only that, but at the time he winked her, my two children were with him at his apartment. He probably had them watching a movie while he was doing his online girlfriend surfing.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I just feel like something is wrong with me. I thought we had the perfect life. How could he have been so unhappy?
He has said numerous times in the past how we're in it for the long haul and how the kids and I were his whole life. I just don't get it.

[GuySimple]

Speaking as guy in a similar situation. Your husband has moved on and so should you. Unless he has given you any indication that he would like to work on your marriage he is really doing what many people do in similar situations, outside of the online affair which was wrong form him to do.

The online dating thing is the easiest way for someone to get self-esteem back. No matter what side of the relationship you are being part of a failed marriage has a significant impact on a persons self esteemed. Guys sometimes need to know there are other people out there who want them, hence the online dating. I expect the connection with the friend is coincidence and would be very embarrassing for him.

In my opinion on line dating is like fast food. When you need a boost to the ego it is only a click away. Your husband has needed a boost to his ego.

He clearly hung on to the relationship long after he lost feelings for it which is probably the reason why he didn't want to go to a councilor. To him there was nothing left to save.

Given the length of time that has past and his actions you may want to ask the question of how likely is it that you with patch things up and reconcile? Be realistic, if the answer is not very likely move on. Get your supports together and make peace with the situation and start the healing process for yourself.

[SWTTAFFY37]

I know you're probably right, but it still hurts like crazy. Oh, I forgot to mention that we had sex on Thanksgiving in my first post. We started talking about old times, one thing led to another, and bam, there it was. He wouldn't talk to me about it later and told me when I would call to stop talking about it. Right before Christmas he found out his child support amount would be going up since he made tons more money last year than the year before and he totally lost it. He called me names in the front yard and drove off in a huff. He later sent me a text message that said until he found out about the money he'd been considering NOT getting a divorce. Geesh....like I saw that one coming!

[Mistaken Identity]

First, what does it mean to "wink?"

Second, it almost sounds like he's having a midlife crisis. Is that possible?

[SWTTAFFY37]

A wink is sort of like a generic online hello for I liked your profile, check out mine and see what you think.

Well, it may be mid-life crisis, he's almost 40. His doctor begged him for months to see a psychiatrist and to get marriage counseling, but he refused. He has serious bouts of depression and takes all sorts of meds. There are serious diagnosed mental illnesses in his immediate family. It almost seemed like he had a nervous breakdown and never recovered.

[Mistaken Identity]

To me, it definitely sounds like a mental problem--for lack of a nicer way to say it. Especially if his behavior came as a shock to you. Don't act desperate. Don't talk about sex. Step back and do some research on his illness.

[GuySimple]

Not sure if you want to chalk it all up to mental illness. Sure he may be going through a bit of a midlife crisis but take a moment and look back over your relationship to see if it was really that good.

Just from what you describe in you post his behavior does not sound that unusual for someone who simply tired of their marital relationship. Sure, you may have been the last to know but most spouses usually are.

I am guessing that if you really want to push him away for sure you would not play the mental illness card. For one thing it is degrading. If it is the case it is for him to get help as you are now separated.

As for your comments on money and sex. Well, these are hot button issues for guys in this situation. Money, because all of a sudden they are paying for things that they no longer get to use (like your mortgage, car, etc.) or by writing a check each month it really hits home. Sex, most men think that early in their newfound separation that they may be sexless for a very long time. It is an ego thing…until they realize how damaging it can be to continue to lead a somewhat double life.