ok, so it seems i am always in one of 2 kinds of relationships, the guy is a. too nice or b. a total as*hole. the second is much more common, and is why i am writing this post. i am a nice, attractive, educated, overall good person, yet i seem to let myself date guys who treat me like doormats. the one's that are too nice, i get bored with.

its like i can't date anyone who treats me right. the guy i dated until a week ago was possibly the meanest yet, and i had been in a physically abusive relationship for 2 years prior to this one, and yet, this guy hurt me worse than any physical pain. while our relationship was only 4 months, i thought i really cared about him. i did everything for him, including being extremely generous. i let him degrade me, belittle me, and basically control my life.

i was constantly in tears as he talked down to me and treated me like a joke. yet i came back for more just like i did last night. last night was when the worst happened, and i've never posted anything like this on the internet, but i am at a point now where i don't know what else today. ok, so heres the story. we broke up last saturday, (he broke up with me). i went out with friends last night and he shows up. i was nice, even bought him a drink. he proceeded to dance with girls and try and make me jealous. well, thats typical of a college frat boy.

but, later that night after a drunken cry session in the bar, i ended up going to his house. well, i'm talking to him, and he says i have 2 options. 1. leave or 2. have sex with him. well, i chose number 2 hoping to save my relationship. well we had sex and then he says to me, 'get dressed and get out, that's all i wanted from u.' i've never cried so hard in my life, nor have i ever seen someone show absolutely no compassion like that. i don't know if i had a question here, i just need help.

i am holding on to him, but i don't know why. i have 3 potential dates tonight, but i'm scared to go. mostly, i'm scared he'll find out and do his best to get revenge, but i know another reason is i'm scared he wouldn't get back with me if he found out. why do i care though? why do i want him back? he called me a whore, a bitch, and was constantly mean. i let him treat me like a slave, but i want him back. what's wrong with me?

[helena abadi]

i'm very sorry to hear what you have been thru. holding onto an abusive relationship as an adult, is directly related to what we learned to do as a child. it's a fact. how was your relationship with your parents? was one of them v distant, or one of them abusive? did you have an abusive relationship with other members of your family? or were you bullied at school? how is your self-confidence and self-esteem generally?

if we feel good about ourselves, we don't tolerate people who treat us badly. when we have the people pleasing behaviour towards those who don't deserve it, it's a really hard pattern to break.

basically, we don't believe we deserve better, and believe if we do everything we can to please the abuser, they will like us more, hold on to us and not leave us.

a neglected or abused child will do anything they can to keep the peace and try to make the parent love them more. it's a survival tactic.

getting out of this pattern takes work. therapy. you need insight into your behaviour, learning why exactly this happens, how it originated, before you can unlearn it. and it can be unlearned.

you can take the first step, standing up for your needs and your rights, by walking away from this abusive man.