Should I expose my WW affair to everyone I can think of to bring this to light? My main reason would be because she has put me down to everyone close to her. She has everyone thinking I am a bad husband and father. Maybe this is to justify her actions of cheating on me. I want everyone to see through her BS except probably her family(denial) and see her lies about me. How should I go about notifying everyone I know?
My only reservation really is that doing something like that purely for revenge instead of using it as a way to end the affair to work on your marriage will backfire on you.
But... if you want to expose, you simply pick up the phone and take a huge deep breath. Let go of any hurt, anger, vengeance or anything like that which will taint what you are saying and make you sound like a tattletale. You want it to be informational and you want to let them know that you are exposing because you want the affair to end and that you and your wife need their help and support in rebuilding the marriage. Understand they already have you in mind as a 'bad guy' so you have to use very neutral and calm language. Do not insult her or try to build yourself up. Think 'completely neutral' - informational, not opinionated. Tell the facts only, and ask for their help. Let them form their own opinions in this matter. If you try to influence it, they will be suspicious of your motives.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
Last edited by LucreziaBorgia; 29th December 2005 at 12:29 PM..
"I'm divorcing her because she's been f@ck!ng someone else for four years! That's why!"
Sorry, but I disagree. These things always have a way of taking a big chunk out of one's gluteus maximus.
Others may think that she's been f@cking someone else because of something you did, or didn't do. It's not fair and it's not reasonable, I know, but you cannot control anyone else's perceptions.
I kind of have mixed feelings on this. I can see why you would want too but then again I can't see where its going to really benefit anyone either. I might be wrong, but it seems like I read in marriagebuilders where it says you should expose the affair. Can't rememeber what exactly it said or why it said to do that. I'll see if I can find it.
Jade
__________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
I would only do so when someone specifically says something to you like "____ says you split because you were a rotten husband and father". I don't see how contacting everyone you know directly will reflect well on you, folks will probably be more repulsed that you are telling tales (even though they are true).
Tell one or two people by way of defending yourself and the word will get out to everyone. Some will continue to side with her anyway - be prepared for that.
Marriage Builders and Break Free From the Affair say that exposing the affair will help it come to an end, which ever way that comes, because affairs thrive and survive on secrecy. Once the secrecy is out, they lose the excitement and it becomes much more of a hassle. However, Break Free cautions you against who you tell. Remember that if you and your w decide to make the marriage work, there will be people that are uncomfortable around both of you, have trouble deciding on how to react to her (if they have strong feelings against affairs), etc. I agree with those above that said you should only be telling people because you want it to end to make the marriage work. To tell people out of spite, even in defense of yourself, would bring you down to a level that you don't really want to be at. If you want to defend yourself to someone who makes a comment, then you can do so with class by responding that it isn't working because she is having an affair.
In my situation, family was involved because we were with family when I found out and fortunately/unfortunately, however you look at it, I wasn't strong enough to keep my emotions in check. I crumbled. His family stood by me to the point that his Mother (unknown to him) was going to change everything in will/trust to ensure that if H did leave me, the OW wouldn't get one penny of her money, it would all go to our son with me as the trustee. His family pointed out to him many times how he was screwing up the best thing in his life. I trully believe in my circumstances, it helped. Even though he got pissed off at them for telling him their opinion, their comments still stayed in his mind and made him realize that he was indeed, making a mistake.
However, with all that said, I still was a mess when I returned to work and extremelly unfortunately ... I told some people at work. Of course, they were concerned because I was at a total loss. However, after about two weeks I got myself together enough so that I was able to work. After about two more weeks I was together enough that no one would have been any wiser if I had choosen not to tell anyone. But, because of those two weeks, and because a few people knew, everyone ended up knowing and during my review, I ended up having such a hard time handling personal problems that it really affected most of the year. Which, while untrue, people's perceptions are what they go with.
If I had to do it over again, I would not have told one person at work and would have responded to there questions of concern with I'm just not feeling well at all right now. However, the support of his family was exactly what was needed. My family ... different story as again, my brothers answer was for me to leave him immediately because he wasn't worth my time anymore and during the holiday's they seemed a little tense. I'm sure that will wear off as time goes by and they see that we are staying together and working it all out, but I would rather not have had those feelings at all.
So, if you decide to tell, just be cautious with who you tell. If you choose to tell one/two people, it will probably get around to everyone else eventually, so there would be no need in telling everyone yourself. Exposing her in a bad light just to justify yourself also, as said by someone else, will only put you in a much worse light than you might already be seen in. Good luck.
Don't say anything about your wife to anyone that you wouldn't say directly to your children as they will most likely hear it eventually, maybe even years from now, and remember no matter what she has done to you, she is their mother. If your kids hear you or hear of you bad mouthing their mother, they will turn on you....trust me on this one, I am the mother that was bad mouthed and have three sons who no longer have any relationship with their father because of the things he said about their mother (some true).
Just think of your kids before you start spreading the word about their mom.
How do you know that 6 months from now that you won't want to stay with her?? So you stay with her, but your whole family hates her because they know what she did BECAUSE YOU TOLD THEM. now they treat her like **** and think you are a moron for staying.
THis happenend in my husband's family. My Sister in Law blabs about what a piece a **** drinker wife beater J is. But surprise (NOT)!! Sister in Law stays with him!! now everyone hates J and everyone thinks "why does she stay with him-she must be stupid or have low self esteem."
Best to keep your mouth shut b/c the family won't only judge wifey...they'll judge you too.
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