I really dont understand what my mm is trying to tell me. He said that he enjoys our relationship, he does not feel we are too close, and we just need to slow down some. My feelings are hurt because I feel like we are already moving slow because I work nights now. We dont have sex as much, I dont see him as much. I talk to him everyday though. I just dont really get it.
He says that he doesn't get the chance to show me love because I am the one who initiates seeing each other most of the time. I need to let him lead I guess. After the conversation, he came to see me at work I guess to show me that he is not trying to get away from me but to let him decide on his own I guess. I am not able to think this out very good. Should I tell him I need a day or two for clarification? I really dont know.
i suppose he may feel that he wants to be able to be the one in charge of things sometimes. because he cannot get out very easily, he probably has a hard time just trying to keep up with your needs, let alone being able to surprise you with spontaneous romance. that is how i would take it.
when i was with exmm, i felt the same way but for the opposite reason. i felt that i couldnt make demands on him, but i also felt that i could not do anything spontanious, i felt rather stuck to be honest. it was *****.
i suppose he may feel that he wants to be able to be the one in charge of things sometimes. because he cannot get out very easily, he probably has a hard time just trying to keep up with your needs, let alone being able to surprise you with spontaneous romance. that is how i would take it.
when i was with exmm, i felt the same way but for the opposite reason. i felt that i couldnt make demands on him, but i also felt that i could not do anything spontanious, i felt rather stuck to be honest. it was *****.
hi newbby, newbby,
good to hear from you. I guess you are right. I am trying to respect that. He still hurt my feelings. I will see how it goes and if I dont like it, I will let him know and we will go from there.
Should I tell him I need a day or two for clarification?
He wants to take charge? Let him fight for the priviledge of your time - cut off your contact, make yourself less available to him, don't answer his calls and you'll see how legit his intentions are. If he was telling the truth about why he needs this space he'll make a real effort to keep you around the more you withdraw. You have to back away to let him do this, though. Perhaps that is what he wants - to pursue you rather than simply know you are 'there'.
Why stop with a day or two? If he asks for a slow down, hand it back twice with great enthusiasm. Something like:
HIM: I need to slow things down.
YOU: I'm glad you mentioned that, I was thinking the same thing. Maybe we can take a break for a month or so and see where we stand after that. I will need time and space, so lets not contact each other as much during that time so that we'll have time to really think this through.
HIM:
You have to say it like you mean it and be prepared to back it up. He could legitimately need space and this time will force him to really think about what it is he is letting go (and he'll be back frantically if that's the case, trust me on this one) - or, he could have a breakup (in which he wants to keep you as a friend but not an OW) or an OOW in mind - and in that case he won't contact you or even try to. Best in that case to extend the limited contact to 'no contact' and move on.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
You are bugging the hell out of him. What part about mm don't you get? He has a family and another life. You need to get another life too, immediately. You are way too easy to get, no challenge at all. How can he miss you if you never go away?
You need to pull WAY back, get a hobby, work extra hours (unless he's THERE), whatever it is that will keep you occupied and not constantly and immediately available. No man, including your mm finds this kind of behavior attractive. It's needy, dependent, clingy, weak, and a total drag. So stop it and get some self esteem if you want to ever hold any mans attention for reasons beyond sex.
hell ya. I have to do something. I will go with that. Our relationship is really wonderful for the most part. He is very considerate of my feelings and he tries to keep me happy most of the time. I dont think it is over but I feel like maybe he is trying to sort thru feelings or maybe he is getting along well with his w and just wants time to get into that. I feel insecure I guess. But lj is right. That does not put me sitting around waiting on him to do something or not do something. I like the idea. If we dont work out or something I can tellyou that THIS WAS THE BEST RELATIONSHIP I HAVE HAD IN MY LIFE. I know some people will not understand but this man has been good to me in more than one way. I just feel so happy to have met such a sweet and caring guy. He is nice to me and my children. I love him for that.
I guess it seems like he is trying to balance his time and I hate to tell you this but he probably wants to call the shots. See you on HIS time, when HE is free, not when you want to see him.
You say it was the best relationship that you've ever had? You will have better ones! This MM may bring out feelings in you that you've never felt before and is loving and giving with you and your children...But the next guy will be 100% YOURS and you won't have to share him with anybody else. Just for that ONE thing, it will be better.
not neccessarily wwiu. 9lives, i understand what youre saying, and i hope it all works out for you, byt that i mean, may it continue or at least give you a nice foundation in your life to meet the next guy.
I guess it seems like he is trying to balance his time and I hate to tell you this but he probably wants to call the shots. See you on HIS time, when HE is free, not when you want to see him.
You say it was the best relationship that you've ever had? You will have better ones! This MM may bring out feelings in you that you've never felt before and is loving and giving with you and your children...But the next guy will be 100% YOURS and you won't have to share him with anybody else. Just for that ONE thing, it will be bettewr.
wwi and newby,
wwi, he was always in the past made time for me. He will do what I ask most of the time. He says he wants me to be happy and I have been 90% of the time. I think he just wants space for thinking, planning, and deciding.
He tells me that he rushed into this marriage he is in now and he is learning to take his time and not rush into things. I just feel like I still need to guard my heart and feelings. Look at me, I was crying just by him saying slow down your feelings a little. I will not be casual with him. It is not what I am looking for at this time. It will be over if that is the case. I am not going to stand for that. I want it all. Bottom line and he know it. I did not tell him that I would be on the sideline for years. He will have to choose. If I am not the chosen one I will have to accept it and go forward. But I do love that man a whole lot. I just want it all. Period.
Yeah this may be the blueprint of what I have to look forward to in the future. He has been a wonderful man to me...unexpectedly. He has already called me today but I did not take the call. I think I need some time to get my mind right and not get broke down.
Yup, you need to shield your heart. Not only that, but you need to be happy on your own when he isn't around. He is such a big focus of your life right now but you have to have other things in your life that give you pleasure. He has his own life that keeps him busy at times and sadly for you, that doesn't make you first on his list most of the time. Doesn't mean that he isn't thinking of you though.
I do hope one day you are strong enough to move on and be with a man who will put YOU first in his life. I'm glad to hear though that you don't have the blinders on and you are aware of the full picture at hand.
I was wondering, if this were a single guy you had been dating for ten months, and he suddenly stopped coming around as frequently, left you alone on Christmas to spend time with another female lover he was seeing … and requested that you "slow down your feelings": Could you see yourself being nearly as forgiving and patient?
My concern when I read these threads, is that it seems OW tend to use the "marriage" as a convenient (yet sad) excuse for not getting what they need from a relationship … while the MM uses it at an excuse to make sure all his needs are being met at the expense of all others.
I always wondered; absent the wedding ring, wife and children, would these same women be so tolerant of this kind of treatment from a man given different circumstances?
__________________
"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.” ~ Mark Twain
enigma you make a good point. i have often thought this myself. on the other hand, to some ow, the relationship actually IS the best they have had, and they are treated the best they have been. i think alot of times the mm, HAS to treat her better and HAS to be better than any other man, because they have to stop her from reaching the obvious conclusion about the relationship. i also think that the mm is much more confident and forthcoming than other men because he actually doesnt have an awful lot to lose.
the combination IS a powerful one, and seems very much to keep the ow hooked on him. he has the perfect excuse for everything too. i think that reasoning would work in some situations where the ow really is treated appallingly. in others though the ow seem to be treated fairly well.
what do you think 9lives? taking out the fact that he is married, are those things okay with you?
You are bugging the hell out of him. What part about mm don't you get? He has a family and another life. You need to get another life too, immediately. You are way too easy to get, no challenge at all. How can he miss you if you never go away?
You need to pull WAY back, get a hobby, work extra hours (unless he's THERE), whatever it is that will keep you occupied and not constantly and immediately available. No man, including your mm finds this kind of behavior attractive. It's needy, dependent, clingy, weak, and a total drag. So stop it and get some self esteem if you want to ever hold any mans attention for reasons beyond sex.
Are you a man or a woman, just out of curiousity.
I just asked not to be bugging out.
You are right. I just dont know how to really do that to be honest with you. This is my heart. How do you have a life and keep your man in your life at the same time? I need help with that. Any suggestions and be specific.
I was wondering, if this were a single guy you had been dating for ten months, and he suddenly stopped coming around as frequently, left you alone on Christmas to spend time with another female lover he was seeing … and requested that you "slow down your aMy concern when I read these threads, is that it seems OW tend to use the "marriage" as a convenient (yet sad) excuse for not getting what they need from a relationship … while the MM uses it at an excuse to make sure all his needs are being met at the expense of all others(
Well he did not leave me alone on christmas. He came to see me on Christmas and christmas eve. Anyway, I dont really treat him like he is married because that is his problem or whatever. I have needs and that is it. I hate to sound like it is all about me but to a certain degree it needs to be in order for me to get what I need. I am not the average ow who is willing to put up with alot of disappointments and lack. I dont think it is necessary regardless of wether the man is single or marriage. What is the point???? He knows that because I set the standard from jumpstreet. These are my expectations. If you cant handle it then you can go home or find someone else. Not acting like I am hard....I was just honest from the jump. I cant deal with a lot of "no" or "I cant" or "I was busy"....that is bull....You want me...make time, find time, create time....MAKE ME HAPPY TOO!!!!
I am dead serious about that. If I am not happy then lets be friends and let me get with someone who wants to give me the love I need.
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