Here's my problem: I am not attractive, possibly ugly. It's true. I know they say that handsome is as handsome does, but there are some certain standards in society, I just don't measure up.
I have terrible skin, scarred from years of bad teenage acne. I have had some cosmetic surgery, and it's helped but it's been limited. My smile is slightly crooked, so my face is slightly asymmetric. And of course, at 40 I have less hair.
I cannot compensate for this with wealth, my job doesn't create great wealth. I am also a nice guy, I don't let women walk all over me, but I do treat them with respect. I do have a lot of other great qualities, people tell me so.
I have tried internet dating, my pictures don't measure up. I have tried speed dating and NEVER made a match. The few relationships I have had are with women who knew me for a while. They know me, my good intentions and my personality.
Suffering as I did in high school I withdrew and became quite shy around girls. Now that's over, with the help of therapy, self help books and cosmetic surgery. But I'm still alone. As I get older I am convinced that there is no one for me, well perhaps a blind woman.
People who know me wonder why I am not married. If they only knew what it is like to live life as an ugly person. I know I have been rejected too often simply because of how I look.
What's ugly is your inside. You have decided you're unacceptable and so that low self-opinion oozes out of your being and sends people away. It's facile to blame everything on your looks. I don't see you saying you're witty or interesting or bright or charming. Do you do anything interesting or do you just work, go home, and watch TV? Are you always learning? Do you have hobbies? In short, are you the sort of person whose company you'd enjoy? Do you have fun or do you just mope around looking for reasons that life sucks?
Outcast has a point here, but unfortunately the initial spark of attraction is largely based on looks. After all, we're human, and humans get something like 80% of their information based on visuals. (I'm not sure of the number, but it's pretty high. If I find a supporting link I'll post it.)
The coolest, nicest, most confident man won't have a prayer with most women if they are not physically attracted to him initially.
It's not fair, but it seems to be reality.
I can speak from some personal experience here, as I'm no Brad Pitt (not that I'd want to be, though he did get to sleep with Jennifer Aniston for a while).
What's ugly is your inside. You have decided you're unacceptable and so that low self-opinion oozes out of your being and sends people away. It's facile to blame everything on your looks. I don't see you saying you're witty or interesting or bright or charming. Do you do anything interesting or do you just work, go home, and watch TV? Are you always learning? Do you have hobbies? In short, are you the sort of person whose company you'd enjoy? Do you have fun or do you just mope around looking for reasons that life sucks?
Good post, Outcast. It's so easy to blame your woes on your looks. We are all not 10's in this world and we manage to have relationships. Quit letting the media tell you how you should look and be happy with yourself. If your balding try shaving your head. Improve your inside so it can come to the outside.
Outcast that was pretty rough. I do agree that it's easy to blame your problems on your looks. Honestly, the community of people with social anxiety that I have seen are easily the most attractive group of people as a collective that I have come across. Looks aren't everything. Your shyness and negative thoughts towards yourself probably play a larger factor.
but unfortunately the initial spark of attraction is largely based on looks
He's claiming that people who knew him and were already going out with him broke up with him because of his looks, Slub. And I still don't buy that dumb 'initial attraction' BS unless people want to swear to me on a stack of Bibles that they refuse to even speak to someone who's not beauty queen quality. I mean come ON - there aren't that many stunning humans on the planet. Most folks look like regular persons so it's simply not possible to refuse to even converse with nobody who isn't Vanity Fair quality. And once you start talking, personality takes over.
I think it sounds tougher than I meant it. I only mean that if you're nothing but gloom and woe it's a given you're not going to keep people interested.
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I don't see where he said that Outcast.
Well that's how I read
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I know I have been rejected too often simply because of how I look.
Last edited by Outcast; 20th December 2005 at 4:36 PM.
I think people who are in a funk like this really need to open their eyes and LOOK at people. Look at all the *couplings* out there. The vast majority of them are *average* people (even some that are *ugly*) - completely unremarkable - yet they are still *hitched*.
Looks definitely aren't everything.
BTW, the OP stated that he has been in relationships so obviously he isn't a total washout when it comes to attracting women.
Interesting. I read it as he has been in good relationships but when it comes to approaching new women he feels he gets rejected due to his looks so he can only have a relationship with someone he already knows.
I have alway's believed that if a woman will talk to me I can have her..
My personality is outgoing and fun and I can carry a good conversation in person.
My looks have always been just average and getting women to notice me has always been tough..
It's your inner confidence that is missing..
Online dating has been a toughie for me because it is based on looks..
But if I can grab a womans attention I make sure my personality shines..
The first phone call I always make sure they get my humorous/sweet side..
I know that if I didn't come across with all personality that I would be single forever.
I think you need to try and show your personality more and be more outgoing.. You have to sell yourself because your looks don't..
There was a British surgeon called Archibald McIndoe who was famous for operating on and rehabilitating burns victims during the 2nd world war. I saw a documentary on his work a while back, and it featured veterans who had formed part of his "Guinea Pig Club." These were soldiers who had been severely burned during service to the extent that, even after surgery, their features had been distorted.
The documentary was a sharp reminder of what some people have to contend with on a daily basis with regards to the impact their appearance has on others, and the reactions it invokes.
Some of these surviving veterans were interviewed during the documentary, and their attitude to life was breath-taking. McIndoe had obviously been a man who was quite a bit ahead of his time, and as well as treating the burns victims he spent a lot of time working out ways to rehabilitate them into society.
They were encouraged to make regular visits to the nearby town, and coached on how to deal with people's reactions. McIndoe's advice to them was more or less...always behave as if there's nothing out of the ordinary about your appearance, however people react to it. You mustn't let their discomfort become your discomfort - and, in that same vein, the more comfortable you are with your appearance, the more comfortable others will be with it.
These guys went on to have relationships, get married and lead normal lives. It didn't necessarily come easy to all of them. Some of them, on returning from the war, did lose their wives or fiancees as a direct result of the change in their physical appearance. Obviously this was devastating for them. It's a fact that some people are disturbed by physical imperfections. Others aren't. Most of them did go on to find new partners.
What struck me about those men in the documentary was the grace with which they conducted themselves. I think it's that sort of dignity that comes from having to deal with discriminatory attitudes from others, and learning to deal with it in a calm and non-resentful manner. It's difficult to describe that attitude in words, but I know it when I see it....and it's one of the most attractive qualities a human being can have.
I saw a news bit the other day about a seriously disfigured man. He's happily married and goes to schools and does comedy routines about living with his facial disfiguration. He and his wife said that they didn't discuss his problem for the first three months. She just glowed while talking about his admirable personal qualitites.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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