I have no desire to give you my story. I find it too painful.
All my adult life I have struggled with depression, due in no small part to the verbal and physical abuse and emotional neglect that was childhood.
I've been doing therapy, which, of course, is like being dragged naked over broken glass on pavement (and no, thank God, that didn't happen to me!). I've been on meds. But I continue to struggle with depression and low self-esteem.
I hate it that this continues to affect my life. I JUST WANT TO LIVE AND BE HAPPY.
Anyone else out there know what I mean? Do you ever recover from child abuse? And if so how? And if not, what helps you cope?
1. Try to repeat the scenes of abuse in your head over and over until you get numb in front of them. You need to face the pain.
2. Fantasize about revenge. That will help you throw your rage out.
3. Tell everybody about it until you persuade yourself that you did nothing wrong and it wasn't your fault. Ohter people's compassion will help you realize how innocent you are.
4. Read books on this topic. It helps to know that you're not alone in your pain.
5. Try to help other people who were victims of abuse. Making someone feel better will help you feel better too.
6. Never be ashamed of what happened to you! Never take responsibility for other people's deeds!
7. Accept the fact that you can't change the reality (except to sue the abuser, tell him/her everything that's in your heart or be vindictive). The pain will never entirely go away, but you will be able to put it on aside. The first few years of facing the pain are the worst. Don't run away from your feelings. Get them all out of you.
8. Make sure all your close family members and friends know how you feel.
9. Make sure the abuser and all the people involved (those who knew about it and let it happen) know exactly how you feel about them and how much they hurt you.
RecordProducer posted a great list that I'm going to take to heart. Some parts of it may be more appropriate than others in terms of what you are comfortable with.
I am 23, for the great majority of my life I suffered the same symptoms of abuse. Nearly non-existant self-esteem, depression, and a sense of pervasive hopelessness. I could not figure out why I felt that way, especially in comparison to my peers at school. I had no idea why they were so happy, how they could be so confident, or they could seem to socialize so easily. I thought something was wrong with me.
Within the last 2 years I have had to come to terms with a number of things that were making me unhappy. I was overweight, I was afraid all the time, and I had nearly flunked out of high school. I know that everyone must deal with adversity. It's just that it exists in varying degrees of severity. It felt like much of what I had to cope with was insurmountable but always know that when everything you want seems so far away that it is still attainable.
I had to draw strength from inspirational stories of people who had to face things that seemed impossible. To know that the human spirit could be so resilient and undefeatable gave me great hope.
What I had to do was break everything into smaller goals and incrementally accomplish them. Each time I achieved something, I would then move on to the next. Granted, it's a gradual process, but look back every once in awhile and marvel at what you have done for yourself. Take pride, because you have every reason to be proud.
I have only been in therapy for the past 2 months and it has helped a lot. I had never been able to open up before and when I tried to confront my past alone, it became overwhelming and I knew I needed help. I have turned to numerous books, websites, and now this forum to help myself heal. The pain never seems to go away, but I can attest to the fact that it does lessen over time.
Here's something about happiness. We all want to be happy, but do we know what will make us happy? The first thing to understand is that before you can be happy with anything else, you must be happy with yourself. It was the hardest thing for me to do, but I had to accept and love myself for who and what I was. Once I did that, I could become a parent to myself and nuture and guide me to what I wanted in life.
Make a list about all your traits that you like. Don't hold yourself back, there's a whole lot more there than you think. When you feel down, look back on the list and realize those qualities are yours. No one can take take them away from you.
I recently started a journal. Aside from just putting down the activities and my thoughts of the day I always write about 3 good things that happened. It doesn't matter how small they are, just the act of remembering and focusing on them is usually enough for me to smile as I write them down.
From your previous post in my thread you mentioned that you had a family. You can draw a lot of emotional support if it's there for you. I have not had the luxury, I am trying to finally establish friendships for the first time in my life in order to connect with others. I am optimistic, excited even. Know that in the end it is up to you to decide whether you like the way things are going or not. It is up to you to figure out what you want.
Starting this thread tells me a lot about you, even if you do not want to post about specific events from your past. It tells me that you are being a good parent to yourself. This is because you realize that you are unhappy and looking for a way to heal it. For a very long time I was in denial and only until I became I parent to myself did things start to change for the better. The other huge thing is that you did not want to discuss your past on this board. That tells me that you know that you are uncomfortable in doing so. That means you are honoring your boundaries. Do not do anything that would make you uncomfortable unless it leads to a greater good. Get very quiet with yourself and listen to what you feel like is safe for you to do. It looks like you are doing it splendidly. It shows that you care about yourself.
We are perfect strangers, I have never knowingly met you and perhaps never will. But know that we are tied by similar pasts and by the experiences and decisions that have led us to here on this board. There is kinship in this. There is strength in this. And know that ultimately what we all share with one another is our humanity. You are not alone Becoming, there are people who care, because I am one of them and there are many more out there. It is remarkable to know that the journey of self-discovery is never ending and I guarantee you will find more things about what makes you love you than you ever thought was possible.
I will always be happy to discuss more if you want to Becoming. Take care!
Thanks, I appreciate the compassion and best wishes.
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1. Try to repeat the scenes of abuse in your head over and over until you get numb in front of them. You need to face the pain.
Been doing that to the point of fragility and breaking. I can't believe at this point that the pain will ever go away. Subside, yes. Not control my life in ways it has, that's my hope.
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2. Fantasize about revenge. That will help you throw your rage out.
Frankly, I find that simply feeds the rage.
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3. Tell everybody about it until you persuade yourself that you did nothing wrong and it wasn't your fault. Ohter people's compassion will help you realize how innocent you are.
I already know I was innocent. I was a child. And if my experience is that if you want to silence folks and clear a room as quickly as possible all you have to do is mentioned you were abused as a child. Being met with embarassed silence is quite harmful. While this is true anonymously here, this has not been my experience in real life with what limited careful times I've shared this information, and I think sharing it with everybody is potentially damaging advice.
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4. Read books on this topic. It helps to know that you're not alone in your pain.
I've read and read. I know I'm not alone. I also know there are a whole lot of victims out there who choose to remain hidden for reason #3.
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5. Try to help other people who were victims of abuse. Making someone feel better will help you feel better too.
Sometimes this is true. And sometimes it makes you feel more hopeless when the laws are such that a child you know is being abused won't be removed from the home without clear physical evidence and a series of reports over time.
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6. Never be ashamed of what happened to you! Never take responsibility for other people's deeds!
I try not to. I'm trying to take responsibility for my own happiness, but that seems to have me somewhat stymied.
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7. Accept the fact that you can't change the reality (except to sue the abuser, tell him/her everything that's in your heart or be vindictive).
What would you have to gain by suing your parents?
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The pain will never entirely go away, but you will be able to put it on aside. The first few years of facing the pain are the worst. Don't run away from your feelings. Get them all out of you.
I've faced much of the pain, and it has a tendency to swallow me up at times. The intensity of the feelings is what I think I'm most afraid of at this point, but I'm working through all that with a counselor who makes me feel my feelings.
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8. Make sure all your close family members and friends know how you feel.
Why? They never cared before.
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9. Make sure the abuser and all the people involved (those who knew about it and let it happen) know exactly how you feel about them and how much they hurt you
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Again, why? My mother knows what she's done and has apologized, which has helped some. But like you said, it doesn't really change the reality of what happened. And I will never be as close to my mother even now as I wish I could be. I doubt I'll ever fully trust her.
Have you been abused as a child? I know you mean well, but (ok, hear this as one who has serious trust issues because of this past) out of what authority do you speak? Experience? Professional helping expertise? Or what?
I don't want to discount what you have to say, but it's puzzling to me at this point how it could be helpful. Thanks for taking the time to try, though.
I was sexually abused by a step-father (Mom divorced him when I told her many years later). I guess not the same rules apply for sexual and physical abuse, but the feelings of injustice, the anger, and the broken heart are present in both cases.
I have a couple friends who were physically abused and became suicidal. I hope that's not the case with you. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. I listed the things that helped me cope. I guess the most effective way is to find happiness some day. It drags your mind away from the past and makes you concentrate on the future.
In any case, I think you should continue to face the pain. I've had the anger coming back to me occasionally, but when I feel loved, I can let it rest. Don't expect to make things right or erase the past from your mind and heart. It's a task you will never achieve.
I am a survivor of child abuse myself and you just have to live your life. I never went to therapy and I don't take meds but after much soul searching I have learned to take the hate and anger that were eating my alive and term it into positive energy. You can't go back and change it and it is not your fault so the only to do is learn from it and don't waste another moment letting it control you.
I was sexually abused by a step-father (Mom divorced him when I told her many years later). I guess not the same rules apply for sexual and physical abuse, but the feelings of injustice, the anger, and the broken heart are present in both cases.
I have a couple friends who were physically abused and became suicidal. I hope that's not the case with you. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. I listed the things that helped me cope. I guess the most effective way is to find happiness some day. It drags your mind away from the past and makes you concentrate on the future.
In any case, I think you should continue to face the pain. I've had the anger coming back to me occasionally, but when I feel loved, I can let it rest. Don't expect to make things right or erase the past from your mind and heart. It's a task you will never achieve.
I'm sorry this has happened to you. I think sexual abuse is different. I thank God I've not been sexually abused.
I'm in therapy facing the pain, and, as you know, it sucks. What's really sad is how much the pain, which I've tried to avoid, because, hey, it's in the past, can't undo it, etc., has determined so much of how I approach the world.
Thank goodness for good counselors and folks like you willing to help. I've finally figured out it isn't going to be all better, but that it's still good.
Becoming, I understand and share your pain. Mine doesn't come from childhood abuse but from abuse endured as an adult. Everything you've said, I relate to and feel now or have felt recently, I still can't talk about it much either and sometimes it just seems like a nightmare but I know it really did happen.
The path we share is not an easy one and not something that I'd wish on anyone. There are some things that work for me that I'd like to share with you.
Thought stopping. When I start to think about what happened I consciously stop my thoughts. Heh. Thinking about nothing at all is a skill. I focus on the color gray in my mind. This is especially useful at bedtime when I've had a tendency to think too much.
Having a support group to listen, share and talk about my own experiences has been of immense value to me. For some reason just knowing that others have experienced similar things give me the comfort of feeling not so alone. We laugh a lot in my support group and many times we have talked about it being a way to deal with the severity of the issues without feeling like crap all the time.
Trust is a big issue with me. I want so badly to be able to trust just one person in the entire world but frankly--I don't trust myself to be able to tell who to trust and so I go it alone for now. It is my dream to one day be able to trust another human being completely. My fantasy is that it will be so wonderful.
Keeping busy keeps my mind off of things that trigger me thinking about the abuse. Maybe it's a cop out but it makes survival less painful.
Mild to moderate exercise makes me feel better for a while.
Pets, companion animals help me feel better. I know I can at least trust a pet.
Avoiding triggers that cause me to think about it helps me feel far less pain.
Taking care of myself and my environment helps a lot. I'm talking about the day to day stuff to make my "space" look and feel better.
Thinking about the good things that have happened in my life makes me feel better as well.
I think I am getting better, feeling less pain, possibly getting more of the pain out of me but only more time will tell.
Sometimes (more often than not) I still feel like an empty shell walking around in a sort of daze but at least I can will myself into being a functioning human being, or at least a reasonable facsimile thereof.
Have you tried PTSD treatment? EMDR? I wonder sometimes whether classical therapy is as useful for such traumatic events if specialized therapy for PTSD isn't included.
I had to draw strength from inspirational stories of people who had to face things that seemed impossible. To know that the human spirit could be so resilient and undefeatable gave me great hope.
Good reminder. This does help.
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What I had to do was break everything into smaller goals and incrementally accomplish them.
Yes. I have to do this as well or I get so overwhelmed so quickly I don't think I can do anything and want to give up before I try.
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Each time I achieved something, I would then move on to the next.
I seem to get lost in transitions between one task and the next. Anyone else have that problem?
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Granted, it's a gradual process, but look back every once in awhile and marvel at what you have done for yourself. Take pride, because you have every reason to be proud.
That's just it: I have accomplished a great deal in my life. Many degrees, all the trappings of material success. Yet I often fail to see this. Thanks for this reminder. I have had therapists tell me they don't know how I've managed to do so much with my life. I can tell you how in a nutshell: God. My spirituality/Christian beliefs is the only thing that kept my life on track or it's hard to tell where I'd have ended up.
Somehow I figured out at the age of 5 (I clearly remember the day) that my parents were dolts and that I couldn't trust them to take care of me; it was up to me. Of course as a 5-year-old I couldn't take care of me.
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I have only been in therapy for the past 2 months and it has helped a lot. I had never been able to open up before and when I tried to confront my past alone, it became overwhelming and I knew I needed help. I have turned to numerous books, websites, and now this forum to help myself heal. The pain never seems to go away, but I can attest to the fact that it does lessen over time.
OT, you have a wisdom that goes beyond a normal 23-year-old. One of the strangest gifts of our past is that the suffering can open us up to a whole dimension of life that many never get to. I often wished I'd have done therapy in my 20's instead of waiting until my 30's. It could have saved myself and SO a lot of heartache.
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Here's something about happiness. We all want to be happy, but do we know what will make us happy? The first thing to understand is that before you can be happy with anything else, you must be happy with yourself. It was the hardest thing for me to do, but I had to accept and love myself for who and what I was. Once I did that, I could become a parent to myself and nuture and guide me to what I wanted in life.
Thank you for your parenting post, by the way. It's been really hard for me to figure out what makes me happy. Sounds silly, doesn't it. Here I am an accomplished woman, expert in my field, and I have trouble even figuring out what makes me happy, which is part of the problem.
I am such a child sometimes (no wonder). This is both good and bad. The critical parent in me has been quite strong, which means I just keep beating myself up with criticism and unrealistic expectations. I didn't even realize this until I had my own children (at 30) and my therapist helped me see it.
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Make a list about all your traits that you like. Don't hold yourself back, there's a whole lot more there than you think. When you feel down, look back on the list and realize those qualities are yours. No one can take take them away from you.
I recently started a journal. Aside from just putting down the activities and my thoughts of the day I always write about 3 good things that happened. It doesn't matter how small they are, just the act of remembering and focusing on them is usually enough for me to smile as I write them down.
Good advice. I keep a journal, but it has a tendency to focus on what's wrong rather than right. I've done the things I like about me exercise, but then I don't go back and look at it.
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From your previous post in my thread you mentioned that you had a family. You can draw a lot of emotional support if it's there for you. I have not had the luxury, I am trying to finally establish friendships for the first time in my life in order to connect with others. I am optimistic, excited even. Know that in the end it is up to you to decide whether you like the way things are going or not. It is up to you to figure out what you want.
I have trouble making friends, and I wish this weren't the case. I isolate myself too often because I don't always know how to make a friend. And between my work, which is usually intense, and my family, there's not much time for much else.
Interestingly enough, it's my children who are the greatest comfort. Seeing them grow into bright, compassionate, well-adjusted teens is amazing. Looking at them tells me all the struggle to break the cycle has been worthwhile.
Starting this thread tells me a lot about you, even if you do not want to post about specific events from your past. It tells me that you are being a good parent to yourself. This is because you realize that you are unhappy and looking for a way to heal it. For a very long time I was in denial and only until I became I parent to myself did things start to change for the better. The other huge thing is that you did not want to discuss your past on this board. That tells me that you know that you are uncomfortable in doing so. That means you are honoring your boundaries. Do not do anything that would make you uncomfortable unless it leads to a greater good. Get very quiet with yourself and listen to what you feel like is safe for you to do. It looks like you are doing it splendidly. It shows that you care about yourself.
Thank you for that affirmation. I probably don't affirm myself often enough. One of the hardest things for me to do is set boundaries. Because so much emotional stuff feels so unsafe, I fortress myself or I think I'm being silly for requiring so much safety and just fling wide the gates and trust too much. Balance is a tricky thing to achieve. It takes more conscious energy than I'd like. And I fantasize that for other folks these things are much easier.
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We are perfect strangers, I have never knowingly met you and perhaps never will. But know that we are tied by similar pasts and by the experiences and decisions that have led us to here on this board. There is kinship in this. There is strength in this. And know that ultimately what we all share with one another is our humanity. You are not alone Becoming, there are people who care, because I am one of them and there are many more out there. It is remarkable to know that the journey of self-discovery is never ending and I guarantee you will find more things about what makes you love you than you ever thought was possible.
I will always be happy to discuss more if you want to Becoming. Take care!
Thank you for the time you've taken to respond. Your kind words help more than you know. I'll respond about family in a later post that I hope you might find helpful for this time in your life.
Craig--I've read your thread on male DV and have an inkling of your nightmare. I applaud your courage. I know there are other men who've gone through abuse but never say anything because our society tells us "real men don't get abused." BS! BS! BS! Because of this ethos, I think men, generally speaking, of course, have a harder time recovering from the abuse.
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Thought stopping. When I start to think about what happened I consciously stop my thoughts. Heh. Thinking about nothing at all is a skill. I focus on the color gray in my mind. This is especially useful at bedtime when I've had a tendency to think too much.
Great idea. I pray and meditate on a regular basis, which, honestly, probably saved my life from total chaos. My problem is that I can rarely go blank/grey. You're right: thinking about nothing at all is a skill.
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Having a support group to listen, share and talk about my own experiences has been of immense value to me. For some reason just knowing that others have experienced similar things give me the comfort of feeling not so alone. We laugh a lot in my support group and many times we have talked about it being a way to deal with the severity of the issues without feeling like crap all the time.
I'm not ready for a support group at this point, but I'll consider it in the future.
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Trust is a big issue with me. I want so badly to be able to trust just one person in the entire world but frankly--I don't trust myself to be able to tell who to trust and so I go it alone for now. It is my dream to one day be able to trust another human being completely. My fantasy is that it will be so wonderful.
I really wanted to respond to this. Our truster's busted. The worst part is that you no longer feel like you can trust your own judgment, isn't it? But you can. Your other posts show me there's a very wise person who sees things at a level most people never reach. You'll just have to go very slowly when it comes to establishing that special relationship you so long for with a SO and test things out.
The thing is that that longing that is so strong in us that combined with the fantasy that if we just find them everything will be so wonderful is just that--a fantasy. And here's where that post we exchanged about male/female communication comes in: your ultimate hope, as you know, can't be that that person is gonna make all the hurt better. They can't. As much as they want to, they can't. So if we're not careful, the lure of that pain and that longing can set us up just to be continually disappointed and actually sabotage a good relationship. This is pretty much what happened to our marriage.
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Keeping busy keeps my mind off of things that trigger me thinking about the abuse. Maybe it's a cop out but it makes survival less painful.
I don't think it's a cop out. It's a survival strategy.
My problem is that because the abuse/emotional neglect happened at such an early age that there are lots of unknown triggers. I came to believe that no matter how much I cried, no one would come to my aid, that I had to do life alone, etc. It's these strong belief systems I'm now confronting in therapy that's had the greatest effect.
I didn't have enough of a strong, compassionate parent in me to be able to take down the critical parent.
Mild to moderate exercise makes me feel better for a while.
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Pets, companion animals help me feel better. I know I can at least trust a pet.
When I was growing up, the only one I could count on to take care of me to some extent was my dog. So a big fluffly dog is a must in my life. I don't think I can live without one.
Avoiding triggers that cause me to think about it helps me feel far less pain.
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Taking care of myself and my environment helps a lot. I'm talking about the day to day stuff to make my "space" look and feel better.
I am a closet interior decorator. Making my space beautiful is critical for me. I see others say the same thing.
Thinking about the good things that have happened in my life makes me feel better as well.
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I think I am getting better, feeling less pain, possibly getting more of the pain out of me but only more time will tell.
It's kinda like fighting an infection. I was gonna say drain a boil (lovely image, huh?), except that with a boil the infection is contained. The hardest part in recovery, it seems to me, is containing the infection so that we don't internalize the abuse. It sounds so easy ("just don't believe it"), but it's not. When a person you love abuses you, it's just all so confusing! I know that as a child there's a part of me that says, "Hey, I was just a child, those sorry bastards!" When it happens as an adult, it must be harder in some ways. I think containing the infection of the abuse and not letting it poison the rest of the sysem is key somehow.
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Sometimes (more often than not) I still feel like an empty shell walking around in a sort of daze but at least I can will myself into being a functioning human being, or at least a reasonable facsimile thereof. :laugh
Here's the pisser. I am learning the discipline of enjoying the now. Of seeing every moment as one filled with the possibility of new life free of old patterns. This eternal resurrection triumph of life over death is where my ultimate hope lies, and when I go with that, I'm good. There have been times in my life where I've walked around in the zombie shell-shock state repeating over and over again in my head as I struggled to just keep going, "I believe in the resurrection! I believe in the resurrection!" and that, more than anything else has helped me.
Of course, diet, exercise, etc., too.
And people like you willing to help a fellow pilgrim on the planet along.
Have you tried PTSD treatment? EMDR? I wonder sometimes whether classical therapy is as useful for such traumatic events if specialized therapy for PTSD isn't included.
I'm in therapy now with a good therapist I can't fool. She's using a combination of different approaches, and it's helpful. I will be continuing with her for quite some time.
I've done research on EMDR and my insurance will even cover it but I wonder if it's really helpful or if it's just the talking about things over and over that helps.
I've done research on EMDR and my insurance will even cover it but I wonder if it's really helpful or if it's just the talking about things over and over that helps.
I keep a stack of legal pads, and a couple of really nice pens--ones that have a smooth flow of ink. There is something about the physical act of writing, as opposed to typing at the computer, that is therapeutic for me. I write and write and write and sometimes I come up with solutions, explanations and sometimes nothing comes of it but a rambling narration of my troubles.
At some point I gather up my notes and park myself in front of my paper shredder. Poof. All gone.
I'm not saying that it's healthy to ignore your problems or pretend they never existed. But what is helpful is to address them, acknowledge them and then accept that there are some things in life that you cannot fix or change. And since you can't change them, you might as well unload them so you can make room for all of the good things.
Craig!
You forgot one! Support and support groups.
They are rarely available to men.
Boards like this are a good example. I've been kicked out of boards like this when I've raised the issue of abuse of men, alongside the issue of abuse of women.
There are a lot of little girls out there, who think they are sooo mature but who can't face the idea that men are abused too. When I face them with fackt they throw tantrums and go howling to the moderators.
Exactly what kind of abuse did you suffer?. DONT talk about it if you can't. It's just to convince some of the blind fools on these boards, (I won't name any names but they know who they are) that men can be abused.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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