[I Survived]

I generally have a very good relationship with my daughter. She's in her late twenties and wanting to start her family. She had a miscarriage in August. She was twelve weeks pregnant but the baby died at 8 weeks, she was devastated. She had to have a D&C. It was very emotional. Well, she was pregnant again and lost it on Thanksgiving - 5 weeks this time. Needless to say, her emotional state is very shaky. Here's the problem. She asks for my advice. I am on the fence. I think, if I say nothing, she'll label me as indifferent but... if I say anything at all, it is taken the wrong way and she gets mad at me. I really don't know what to do. How does a person deal with this rollercoaster ride I'm on? I've never had a miscarriage, I don't know how to console her. Help!! What do I say to her? Do I say anything at all? I'm feeling very incompetant.

[orangeterran]

First of all, both you and your daughter have my condolances. It must be incredibly painful to not only go through miscarriage, not once, but twice.

I have had little experience with being comforted or comforting others until relatively recently, but I have a pretty good imagination as to what I would want if I were in such a situation.

I think it is important to just let your daughter know that you are there for her. I don't feel that it is important to articulate anything other than having her understand that you acknowledge her pain. There isn't anything you can say that will change what she's feeling. It will take time to come to terms with what she is feeling. What she is processing is already overwhelming, anything that anyone else thinks that can be said will not contribute in a positive way.

Perhaps after she has worked through some of the emotional turmoil, it might be helpful for her to find a support group with women who had to endure the same. It can be very theraputic to be in the company of others who understand the suffering that she is going through. In that process, it can allow her to open up and share and relieve thoughts she has had pent up inside. Her isolation would no longer be so absolute and then she can hopefully move on. However, do not force this upon her, she is the only one who will know if she is ready or willing to do this. Do not make her do anything that would be uncomfortable to her.

Best of luck to both of you, life often hands us adversity that we wonder why we have to endure. I too understand emotional pain, but always keep in mind that it does get better.