I'm dating someone who has an 8 year old child from a previous marriage. I mostly make a conscious effort to keep his kid at arm's length. I'm not his parent, I don't discipline him or coddle him or try to curry favor. I treat him like a kid and leave it at that.
That said, I do expect that an 8 year old has some basic understanding of polite behavior. He acts out and says weird things that he obviously heard from his mom (who I've never met, my choice), commenting on the age difference between me and his dad as if 8 years is a huge gap, and on my job waitressing, and on other things that I don't remember thinking about when I was 8. I avoid any kind of parenting implication, or meeting the ex-wife, out of deference to their past relationship. I am trying to be as polite as possible, some people think that is a little brittle.
My BF is being weird about things. He wants me to be more involved with his child, but I am afraid of incurring the wrath of his ex-wife. She's not very kind, to my BF or in reference to me (she calls me "that girl" mostly)
The kid is no angel. He's got behavioral problems, probably stemming from attachment issues relating to his parents very acrimonious relationship. He is rude and pushy and demanding. Honestly I don't like him, I tolerate him because I love his father.
I feel wrong though, disliking a child like that. He spits out food that I cook, refuses kind gestures from me...I understand that developmentally he probably doesn't understand how his tantrums affect others but for ****'s sake, he's EIGHT. There should be a modicum of civility taught to children by then. I mean, I have nieces and nephews who, at age 5 and 6, know more about polite behavior than he does.
But I kind of feel like, as much as I care for my BF, I should get out of this relationship. I often feel like i can't handle the dynamic present in our relationship -- lately we argue more and more about how his child behaves, and the kid almost seems to try to instigate things, sometimes even fibbing, getting his dad riled up, then saying "Oh I was just kidding". I think he's a lot smarter than his grades indicate. I feel paranoid thinking that his child is instigating stuff.
Maybe the dad is just a weak man. There has to be a logtical explanation to this conundrum.
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I love these little people; and it is not a slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us.
I understand that developmentally he probably doesn't understand how his tantrums affect others but for ****'s sake, he's EIGHT. There should be a modicum of civility taught to children by then. I mean, I have nieces and nephews who, at age 5 and 6, know more about polite behavior than he does.
Different kids, different temperaments. Eight is awfully young still. I used to teach 8-year-olds at Sunday school and the boys especially were still pretty rowdy. Kids get pretty messed up by divorce, especially if the parents are not on the best of terms. He's probably acting out because of the situation in his family.
And he probably picks up on your dislike. If you can try to find things that you like about him, you may see that he warms up to you. Remember, though, in a kid's mind, being nice to daddy's new gf may translate as disloyalty to mom. It's a hard situation to be in.
yeah. i figured. My mom stopped by my house today and the kid was outside playing and she tsk-tsk'ed me and said i shouldn't be dating someone with a kid. She's rather frosty to the tot herself. i get no support from my family, as they think I should just break up with the guy.
I previously vowed to never date a dude with a kid. I made an exception because he rocked my world for the first time since I got married years ago. Now I think I probably should have, regardless of my feelings, kept my vow. I think about breaking up with him constantly and even my co-workers think I should split up with him.
Well, if you can't hack the kid, you can't hack the kid. I was lucky - the kids I had to deal with were great. Better than their dad in retrospect
It wouldn't be so bad if the dad wasn't totally afraid to discipline his kid. His kid acts like he's 8 going on 16. I joke that he's already going through puberty.
Last night I happened to say, at like 11:30pm, that his kid should be in bed and the dad looked at me blankly like, "What? 8 year olds should have a bed time?" I justified it saying that like, I don't want to deal with his crabby kid tomorrow after he hasn't slept well. Hell, we were supposed to hang out tonight - he sent his kid to the grandparents, but I blew my BF off and said I needed time to "cool off". Looks like this, as all my relationships, is ending because I don't like the looks of things.
If you don't feel like you could ever have a close relationship with this child, get out now. You're not doing yourself, the child or your BF any favors.
You are in almost the EXACT situation as my best friend! She is dating a man she adores who has an eight year old son.
The ex wife is nasty and disrespectful.
The son is acting out a LOT and the father, while he does discipline him to a certain degree, he also lets a lot of stuff slide that he probably shouldn't.
Funny, and she's also a waitress!
Anyway, it's important to work out discipline issues. One of the main reasons 'blended families' don't work out is the discipline issue. Maybe you should get an unbiased third party involved and have some couples counseling to work on this.
You might also suggest you take 'parenting classes' together to better learn how to deal with the boy's acting out.
He is old enough to learn manners and respect, I agree.
I realize dating someone with a child is difficult, I've been the one with the children.
It appears to me that you are not ready to do this. It might be better to move on.
Whatever the issues with the father and son, they are there and will be for a very long time. It takes someone who is fearless to be involved. Someone extremely giving, understanding and patient.
The dynamics are complicated and I think you should stick to your vow.
I realize dating someone with a child is difficult, I've been the one with the children.
It appears to me that you are not ready to do this. It might be better to move on.
Whatever the issues with the father and son, they are there and will be for a very long time. It takes someone who is fearless to be involved. Someone extremely giving, understanding and patient.
The dynamics are complicated and I think you should stick to your vow.
Honestly I don't see why the qualities are paramount. If the Dad did his job to the best of his abilities (and he has admitted that he doesn't, hell half the time he doesn't bother to take his kid to school on the mondays that he has him) there wouldn't BE an issue, and the person involved with him, regardless of their "fearlessness" (What?), giving, or patience, would only set themselves up to be a co-dependent martyr in their train-wreck of a relationship.
Anyways, it's a nonissue, since I broke up with him this morning. It actually had nothing to do with his kid, besides me mentioning that I had basically been supporting the kid for the past week (it's not my kid, hell I only actually met his son 2 months ago). I was actually talking about certain mental issues I have regarding being raped, and he was kind of insensitive and judgemental. I suppose normally I would tolerate his inability to understand, but I guess my tolerance has gone down to zero.
But I kind of feel like, as much as I care for my BF, I should get out of this relationship. I often feel like i can't handle the dynamic present in our relationship -- lately we argue more and more about how his child behaves, and the kid almost seems to try to instigate things, sometimes even fibbing, getting his dad riled up,
Give it another two or three months and if things don't get better then split....situations like this usually spiral down as time goes along. A relationship never exists in a vacuum and it's very hard to date people who already have kids cause those kids rarely accept you.
The 8 year old is acting out because his parents are no longer together.. kids blame themselves for the divorce and never drop the fantasy that their parents won't get back together..
In the childs eyes you are stopping his mother from being with his dad..
Expect more rejection and a tougher road that only childs therapy as a family can fix..
I have lived thru a situation very similair to yours.. since you are not commited to them you need to leave.. or commit and work on getting the childs attention thru love and patience
Edit.. I just saw your last post.. Since you broke up its a moot point..
Sorry about your breakup
Quote:
Originally Posted by Newfoundland
If you don't feel like you could ever have a close relationship with this child, get out now. You're not doing yourself, the child or your BF any favors.
Last edited by Art_Critic; 11th December 2005 at 4:48 PM..
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