[Saskia]

Hi, ive been with my boyfriend fr 4 years. he is at a separate college from me 5 hours away,and while we have different friends we are still very close and i see him most weekends, if not every other weekend. I have trust issues and he is very settled and never asks me if ive cheated whereas sometmes i feel the need to ask him.
anyway, recently he changed his email password which i used to know, so naturally i was suspicious. This weekend i went on the computer after him to check my email and was able to enter his account. i know it was wrong but i read his sent emails. turns out he sent two emails to women telling them that he was into dominatrix and that he would like to meet them. in one email he mentioned that he had a long term girlfriend and that she (ME) wasnt into it. in another he gave his phone number.

I confronted him and he was angry with me for reading his mail. he said i made him feel bad about himself and where could we go from here. we were spending the weekend together so gradually both forgot about it. but last night before he left i was crying saying i didnt understand. as the anger had subsided he said he was sorry. but that s all he could say. and now i dont know what to do. can we or should we carry on as normal? he said it is not about sex and that it is about something different than sex. he said that they never got back to him anyway. when i asked him if they had would he have met up with them he didnt answer.when i said that we could go on a break and maybe he could experience this stuff and see if he enjoyed it he said he didnt want that.

this guy is my life. i have had a troubled home life and he has really helped me through that. i suffer from mild depression and he is (most of the time) there for me. but is it really possible to salvage it now? please help. i cannot sleep of eat and i am at my wits end. its so embarrassing that i cant talk to anyone and he wont talk to me about it and has pretended things are normal again.

[P1xie]

Him not answering your question about hooking up with them is an alarm. Also him actually giving up his phone number. I think if he gets the chance he will cheat on you.

I also think you both have lost major trust now. He doesn't want to discuss it with you because he's guilty and he knows it. It's hard to face up to what is done if you both pretend everything is normal. Break the communication barrier. You can't resolve it by not talking about it.

If you decide to stay with him. Maybe you could compromise a little for him sexually if and only if you are comfortable.

[westernxer]

Some guys like being tied up and humiliated by foul-mouthed, leather-clad vixens. It's strange to me as well, because I'm not into sado-masochism, but I have to assure you that he's not doing it for the sex, because a dominatrix doesn't put out for clients, other than getting paid to torture them with clamps, whips, stilleto heels, and so forth.

I met a dominatrix who told me her clientele ranged from doctors to lawyers to businessmen -- all married, highly respected individuals in their communities. The difference between them and your boyfriend is they managed to keep it a secret. Call it a diversion from ordinary living, but it's not about cheating, unless he's after a relationship.

Doesn't mean you have to put up with it, unless you decided to surprise him one evening with some electrical tape around his wrists and ankles, then throwing him in the bath tub and dripping candle wax on his chest.

[morrigan]

Plenty of people enjoy bdsm in relationships. I agree some hide their activities from their partners because the SO isn't interested in it and would view it as some sort of a betrayal.

Professionals usually have a strict no sex policy in place. Imo, I'd be bothered if he had made plans with regular women and not an actual professional.

He may be a decent guy, but he obviously intends on experiencing this in real life. If you aren't open to exploring bdsm with him and aren't fine with him seeking out other people for it, it's probably not worth staying with him.