This is my first time posting, I've been reading for a while trying to see if anyone else has had this problem.
I've been with my MM for 3 years we always talked about being together when our divorces are final. My H left 9 months ago and my D is now final. The problem is my MM has been unemployed for a year, he wants to wait until he gets a job to leave his W. I'm becoming very impatient with the situation. Am I being crazy for waiting for him?
I didn't get out of my marriage for him, When that happened we had NC for a few months. As for the alimony his wife makes more than him so that isn't really an issue.
So, you want him after he's done mooching as much off his wife as he can?
I have to say, I'm flabbergasted by the fact that the guy hasn't worked in a year, and still has the nerve to string an OW along while letting his wife bring home the bacon.
Yep, that's a keeper all right!
The old saying that 'if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you' might definately apply here. There's a huge red in the fact that he's not only cheating on his wife....he's also using her financially. He's prioritizing himself first before either of you, and in a REALLY selfish way too.
This demonstrated lack of integrity should be of major concern to you. What he's doing is too cold-blooded to be excused by the platitudes of romantic love.
p.s. Unless you want to become his next meal ticket....I'd recommend that you NOT let him move into your home until he's held a job for at least a year, assuming that he does eventually leave his wife.
Even then, I doubt he'll stay with it. A leopard doesn't change his spots.
Last edited by Ladyjane14; 5th December 2005 at 8:22 AM..
There is absolutly no way he is moving into my home until he can stand on his own 2 feet.
At the very least I have learned to love again, after spending 20 years in a abusive relationship it's nice to have someone pamper me.
I have often wondered it that was the case. I can choose how much I want or how much I give of myself.
I think I need to spend some time taking care of me and my kids
you need to give yourself time to get over the abusive r'ship although if this a does work for you then thats fine. if youre anything like i was though this r'ship will be even less likely to be successful than most mm/ow r'ships. you will be jumping between wanting him to be with you and terrified he will leave her for you, add to that his own issues and the obvious problems this r'ship automatically has and you have a recipe for disaster.
yes spend time with your children and creating a cosy little atmosphere, give yourself some time. (hugs)
So, you want him after he's done mooching as much off his wife as he can?
I have to say, I'm flabbergasted by the fact that the guy hasn't worked in a year, and still has the nerve to string an OW along while letting his wife bring home the bacon.
At the very least I have learned to love again, after spending 20 years in a abusive relationship it's nice to have someone pamper me.
I hope that you'll give yourself time to decompress man-free for a while before embarking on this. He isn't pampering you, so much as enabling a terrible situation for you both by expressing what you are both fooling yourself into seeing as a positive thing.
An emotionally unavailable man who uses women like he does is no less abusive - to you or to his W. 'Love' and 'wishful thinking' tends to hide that though. It sounds like this MM is 99.9999999% an idealization of himself that you have created in your heart. The man who is the antithesis of the abuser, the one who is supposed to save you.
The fact of the matter is, he's a liar, a mooch, and emotionally unavailable to you. His abuse is the type you bring on yourself, and that he gives freely in a passive way. Instead of escaping the abuse, you are basically opening yourself up to a more subtle form of it. Perhaps you have created a 'need' for that abuse you have lived with for so long.
Not everything we need in our lives is good. Its like a crackhead 'needs' crack - you get yourself accustomed to a certain thing and you simply can't function without it anymore. Not saying you are a pain junkie, but some part of you has driven you to accepting this man into your life, and your need for that has blinded you to the fact that he is what he IS, not what you want him to be for yourself. He might fill that 'need' you have in some sort of co-dependent way, but he won't fill your 'wants' ultimately.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
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