Ok, to begin with, I read some prior threads dealing with this, but I figured it would be worth discussing my particular situation.
Basically, I have been dating a girlfriend for 4 months or so, and we are quite serious, and in all other senses, very happy with each other. In any case, the one thing about her that always bothered me was that she would talk about ex-boyfriends and her ex-fiance. In fact, she even brought them up on the first date. Now I was able to get over this, and the more I've gotten to know her, the more I love her.
However, she would nonetheless occasionally mention these guys, and moreover, would make allusions to all the guys she dated and refer back to her old college girlfriends and her as getting "wild." This always bothered me for several reasons. First, I'm a 28 year old guy, and I'm relatively sexually conservative. I've had 5 previous partners of 8 years. So, with her mentioning these guys, and referring to thise "wild" times, I was always sketched out by how many guys she'd been with. It just didn't reconcile with what I knew of her. However, over time, I kind of figured the number of partners she had from the fact that I knew of her serious boyfriends and ex-fiance. I figured it was around 3. But the references still bothered me. So one night we got to talking, and I asked (which I regret). She told be that she had 7 partners prior to me. I wanted to vomit. Mind you this was over 7 years, but within a more recent timeframe, she had 3 within the past 1 1/2 prior to us dating. All were guys that she was "dating," not one-night-stands, but I wonder how long she dated some of them
Now, I know that I shouldn't worry about the past, but this just leaves me with a sickening feeling. It seems like a lot of people, and it makes me question whether I really know her. I'm trying to just put myself past it, but it isn't easy. It just lingers in my mind like, "oh well, I'm just number 8. She's definitely been willing to share herself with others pretty readily." Thoughts? Thanks.
Thanks for your quick replies. I don't mean to judge her on this, just something that feels uncomfortable. You're right though. Trying to get over it and move on.
So she's not a virgin. Big freaking deal. It means she has been there and done that and won't feel like she missed out on something if you guys get serious. I don't know why men are so concerned about this.
You may not know it or think it so, but you are one lucky b@st@rd.
You've hooked into someone who's obviously very comfortable talking with you. As well, she's had her "wild" times already and, if she's anything like the rest of us, is comfortable with that being in the past. Not to mention that she knows what she's doing sex-wise.
Just think of it: Of all the men she's dated in the past, she's with you. Sure, it may be a bit irritating hearing about all her previous experiences, but that's a huge compliment to you because she's put all that behind her and is focusing exclusively on you!
If her talking about it really bothers you that much, tell her that it hurts your feelings (go heavy on the "feelings" stuff, chicks dig that). But, most of all, be thankful that you've got a tigress for a partner.
Is there really that big a difference between seven (hers) and five (yours)??!!
As I was reading your thread, I thought you were going to say she had 30 partners or something, and I almost spit milk out of my nose when I read that her number was only seven. Geez, my number's seven and I consider myself conservative.
Then you say that she's had three partners in the past 18 months.... ok, so that's roughly one guy every six months. Did you expect that she'd date someone for six months and not have sex with him? If she had three partners in one week, I might worry. Three partners in a year and a half is a-ok in my book.
__________________
"In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all, and it often comes with bitter agony. Perfect relief is not possible, except with time... I have had enough experience to make this statement." Abraham Lincoln
So she has had 3 more than you. BIG deal. Sorry but you can't control people's past sex lives...I really hope you haven't talked to her or made her feel bad because of her past. IT is part of who she is, all those experiences in and out of bed...She wouldn't be the person infront of you now if she hadnt' had those experiences.
Enjoy her, love her for who she is, not her past. How would you feel if she only had 2 men and you had 5 women? If she was upset with you because of your past...It just isn't worth making a big issue out of it.
Dude, that's nothing. I was a virgin when my gf and I got together and she's slept with more guys than she is years old, and yeah, there were one night stands. I can't say it didn't make me mildly uncomfortable at first, but I know that it doesn't change how she feels about me.
There's nothing you can do about it, and she's been pretty upfront with you. She's not ashamed of it, nor should she be. To say nothing of the fact that 7 is peanuts nowadays, especially by the late 20s. You have to either get over it, or end things with her.
Even if her number was higher, so what? It's all context. Say a person's thirty and has been in a series of one-year relationships. That's potentially 12 partners since the age of 18. Which may mean the person doesn't know how to make a relationship work, but that's a different problem -- doesn't suggest anything about their sexual morality.
I started dating my XW when she was 18 and I was 20. I was her sixth partner. She was my first. And it never bothered me... honest. What she did before me was none of my business. By comparison, when she and I separated two years ago, I was 31. Since then, my number's gone from 1 to 9. I've dated women since then with numbers from 0 to 12+. And it's largely irrelevant.
Focus on the good stuff, buddy, and ignore the irrelevant stuff you can't do anything about anyway.
__________________
See the bird with the leaf in her mouth
After the flood, all the colours came out.
-- U2
So she has had 3 more than you. BIG deal. Sorry but you can't control people's past sex lives...
i know....it drives me crazy when people do that. it's like, uh, newsflash: I DIDN'T FREAKING KNOW YOU SO IT WASN'T YOUR BUSINESS THEN AND IT'S NOT YOUR BUSINESS NOW.
i thought you were going to say 100 partners by the age of 12, the way you carried on, troubleddude.
as long as the person isn't dragging you into an STD pit or screwing other people when you're with them, get over it.
you'll feel better when you let go. seriously. why stress yourself out over something that has nothing to do with you and you will never be able to change?
good luck.
__________________ disclaimer...if i was trying to be mean, you would know it. until then, stop looking for it where it doesn't exist.
"it's got to be jazz...that's what she wants".....rsOFtc
don't mind-***** me...and maybe i won't mind-***** you.
I don't necessarily blame him for getting upset because she should have never told him in the first place. When it comes to past sexual relationships, the best policy is to simply say 'I've been around' or 'I'm experienced,' instead of elaborating on that history. Unless you had a kid or got an STD from a past lover, such details shouldn't even be discussed. Ever. So when she gave him that info, she set herself up for trouble. Most men and women have enough trouble dealing with the fact that there were other people in their lover's lives, much less know how many.
Now that the damage is done, TroubledDude needs to chill. She has a past and you knew that already. It's just that you know how much of a past she had -- and frankly it isn't much compared to most people. She shouldn't have told you and you shouldn't have even entertained the conversation in the first place. But that's done. So keep quiet, take your frustrations out on a punching bag and then learn how to f--k, lick and eat your girl out like no other man has done before you. Being a great lover has a funny way of blocking out her memories of other men.
Last edited by Sevenmack; 30th November 2005 at 7:56 PM..
I agree with MUCH of the above -- 7 people at that age is pretty lightweight. However, I dunno if you believe her -- everyone lies. Either she has told you a lower number, or she had some rule about BJs not counting as guys she's been with. It was extremely unwise to ask, but she was bringing it up (I never ask, I just look around and if it looks like there are too many former playmates who get Christmas cards or whatever, I walk).
I also agree that you end up looking like a dope if you bring this up as an issue you are uncomfortable with.
However, you are perfectly entitled to your view and she honestly may not be the girl for you. Only you can decide that. Yes, there is a number where a girl becomes undatable, because she's not attractive if she has given it out to too many people. No reason to judge her for it but there's no law that says you have to date her either.
2 things you must do, in my opinion. (1) When she talks about her wild days, make a joke about it (call it her "crack ho" days, or all the times she pulled the train at the frat house, etc.) but shut it down. It drives me insane when women want to tell you all the skanky things they have done in life and then scream "but it was the past.." when you actually do think they are skanky. Just shut it down -- you don't give a f@#k what boy did what or when or whatever because it is beneath you. (2) In my opinion, you do not love her because a mature man does not fall in love in 4 months and because if you were, you would be past this. Enjoy what you have with her, but do not assume you are stuck with her emotionally for life.
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