I have been reading some threads lately and people are still hurting over their relationship ending 12 -18 months after it happened.Now are these just extreme cases or is this the case with most.I am getting a little worried here as I was hoping the 6 month mark is sort of the stretch "home" to having moved on and getting over the ex and the relationship.What month or even year are you at right now and does it help the more time goes by.I would also assume if you just sit and mope the time will be a lot longer.I have read a lot even tried to be more "in tune" spiritually and have found the last 4 months hell but am trying to imrprove and grow as a better person.I am not remotely interested in dating or another relationship but just bettering myself physically, spiritually and emotionally sounds corny but i think it really helps a lot.I also cannot say enough about this site as it was a saving grace in the beggining and has turned into a healthy healing tool for me.Thanks to everyone on here.If you have any insite to my question I would appreciate it.
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The danger for most is not that we aim too high and miss it, but that it is too low and we achieve it!!!
Sex and the City: Charlotte says that the time it takes to break up is about half of the time you dated the person. Humm...not sure if that is true, but it sure seems like an idea. The longer / more committed you were with a person, the harder it is to break up. Humans are made to be with a special person and breaking up totally goes against our nature.
SMHappyface is cute but she's dead wrong on this one.
Sex and the City is fiction, and it's also written by a man so whatever the character said comes from the pen of a guy, not a woman. As well, this delusion about "Humans are made to be with a special person" is bogus. It may sound romantic and idealized, but it's got nothing to do with reality.
It's easy to forget, Scobro, that the time after a breakup can be used in many different ways. One can pine after their lost love for years and never get over it. (I had an aunt like that, who lived as a spinster for 70 years because of a jilted love affair when she was a teenager.) Then again, one can fall into the trap of leaping into another relationship right away without any thought about what happened to the first relationship that caused it to break down.
So it's not about time; it's about what you do with the time, and the steps you take to put yourself on the path to recover.
A breakup is supposed to hurt, at least for a while. But, like all pain, it will lessen as you take the necessary steps to heal.
What month or even year are you at right now and does it help the more time goes by.
It's been 14 months since the breakup, 8 months since I stopped replying to his messages and 6 weeks since I last heard from him.
It still hurts and I still think about him every day. It makes me so mad at myself because by now I figure that I really should be over him. Well, I am not and that sucks.
But to answer your second question it does get better with time. I am nowhere feeling as bad as I did a year ago.
I am doing all I can think of to get over him, but I still can't get him out of mind. For some reason I am still clinging to the thought of him coming back and us ending up happily ever after. Crap!
i think the reason why it still hurts is because up until recently you still had contact with him so the whole time somewhere in your heart you felt like things could work out.
so now you are really starting to go thru the emotions of the loneliness of a breakup. give it some time to heal, dont worry this is normal and go out and have some fun. this will pass i promise.
it gives us hope to here the time spands to get over break ups...but inside we know the hurt....it is unrealistic to be over someone in 6 months, or even a year...( some people can)....
if you are still feeling the pain of a previous( while back relationship)....make sure your still going on with life in a healthy matter...i think there is another process to the healing process after the healing is done, its werid but it seems logical....
a break up isnt over till its over, after the break up is intiated...there is another process, the nc, the talking every 3 months...still arguring, its been 3 months for me, first love...and im still devasted and shocked that it ended...but im learning , and hoping and praying that i dont let this scar me deeply to where the memories haunt me....
i dont beleive half the time, it depends on who you are
eh cant wait to get to the end of this to write FACTS AHHA
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When the doors of perception are clensed, things will appear as they truely are
I agree that it not only depends on time..but what you do during that time. I broke up with my ex 2.5 months ago and it has been difficult. However, two years ago I was going through another devastating break-up. He came back after 4.5 months and he played with my heart and mind. That made me go back into the whole recovery process again, so it took me 18 months to recover from that one.
With this current recovery process, it is the same but different. I am still very hurt, angry, disappointed, etc, but this time I am truly learning the defeating patterns that I have been repeating. I am doing things differently. I am actively seeking outside assistance through churches, professional counselling, support groups. Before, I would just sit at home, read tons of self-help books, look at walls and repeatedly ask the same questions. It kept me depressed longer than it should have. I also erased every trace of my ex off my computer. I used to hang on to that s**t to overanalyze and look back. I hang on to my other ex way longer than I should have.
I have vowed not to keep myself down like that again. This time, I am giving myself a timeframe to go through the /grieving/recovery process and than move on.
The first month I was basically in the worst shape I have ever been in... in 2 days from now it will have been six months and I can honestly say that I am over him in that I wouldn't take him back for a million bucks, I rarely think about him, don't contact him or secretly hope he will contact me, etc... I still wonder how he is doing and hope he is alright and all of that, but have stopped feeling like it is any of my responsibility (by the way, the story goes he left me for the 3rd time and wanted me back again and I said NO! so now he is really hurt).... I am realizing that I am NOT over some of the things that went wrong and feeling mad at myself for letting him treat me like crap... I am just starting to fully deal with these issues surrounding the relationship... but as for the ex? I am so much happier now that he is my ex!
I read your reply to the post and it was not neat, but neat (if you know what I mean) that somebody went through the same torment of a ex lover coming back and messing with your heart. My ex GF came back into my life after a year and a half. We had very minimal contact in that time too. Long story short, she came back, told me everything i wanted to hear. You know i missed you, you were the greatest guy, sent me gifts, pics of her, pics of her family, you name it. She called me back in sept and we talked everyday just like oldtimes. It was truly great and I thought that I was getting a second chance. So I went to see her as she begged me to do. Yes it was a LDR. Anyways the first couple days were great, then she did a complete 180 on me. Now we dont talk and she completely ignores me. Go figure!!!! Well i thought i would share that with you bc you know how it feels. What happened to you if you dont mind sharing. Maybe it will help me out a bit.
I do agree that NC is the only way to go. A therapist once told me that the ex is like a drug. It hurts like hell right now and you crave to talk to them. Its like once you do, that pain goes away. So you call them and they pick up and you feel so good. But then what? You fall back into feeling ****ty again until you call again. Its a vicious cycle but I firmly beleive that you have to do NC.
was with my ex 4 1/2 months, i'm now broke up ( and feel broken up ) about 5 weeks now, NC but met her once, now my current ex helped me put the final few nails into my previous exes coffin (a 5 month affair which ended last christmas )... that was on June 10th I met my ex so it took about 6 months or so with 2 1/2 months NC ( me telling her via text to leave me alone )...
but there are many different variables about how long it takes... i KNOW it will take me far longer than 6 months this time... the reasons being i was fully commited to my ex ( and I thought she was too ) and it was the most intense relationship I ever had, we had so so much in common,the most erotic sex ever, shared loads of experiences, she had a lovely family (who i met after 7 weeks ), i was ( and still am ) obsessed with her...
my previous ex, i didn't spend as much time with, she was neurotic, jealous, never met her folks, she ran my job down etc. so I could say to myself as soon as we broke up that she wasn't good for me long term! so I was out dating within a month... this time with my new ex I haven't did this and its looking unlikely I will be dating for the foreseeable future...
now if my ex did want me again and I took her back I wouldn't allow her to screw with my head ( i hope! ) like that again, i'd have to have a brick wall against her emotionally to trust her again and that would be after the longest 'talk' of mankind!!!!!
i too feel dreadful... i haven't slept in 2 nights again, it is 8.25 am and i have to go to work shortly and in work i am currently a fraction of my usual ability but i'm going to the doctors tomorrow because I think I need help over all this
I think that the manner in which the relationship ended determines how long you may or may not still be hurting. If two people end a relationship where their dignity and respect were in tact, sure there is grief and sadness that is natural in the end of something special. But the recovery is healthier. No residue of unanswered questions, hurt, resentment, confusion. That's where the hurt will linger around. And then processing of all that residue. The process of coming to terms with the end of a relationship takes time. The end of a relationship is the end of a personal dream, that is not to gotten over so lightly.
Took me a while longer to get over my x...but, that was cause I kept letting him back into my life and re-surfaced all the feelings over and over. Once, I ended it completely...I was lots better!!
I think that the manner in which the relationship ended determines how long you may or may not still be hurting. If two people end a relationship where their dignity and respect were in tact, sure there is grief and sadness that is natural in the end of something special. But the recovery is healthier. No residue of unanswered questions, hurt, resentment, confusion. That's where the hurt will linger around. And then processing of all that residue. The process of coming to terms with the end of a relationship takes time. The end of a relationship is the end of a personal dream, that is not to gotten over so lightly.
Good post In Sync.
Brittanyjean06 - I never had a bad breakup until recently. Most of the guys I dated in the past were great guys but we either weren't right for each other at the time or we grew apart. At 27 I first had to figure out how to go through a bad breakup. All of my friends, who are far more normal than I, and went through their first bad breakup in their teens all say that it's the hardest.
You're going through the toughest now but it all gets easier, or so they say. Its something you have to go through to grow into a mature self-aware person. One of my guy friends said to me that having a SO break your heart will make you a better bf/gf in future relationships. Since we had that talk I've asked everyone I've dated if they had ever had someone break up with them and I have found his statement to prove true.
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