[Melinda123]

Hello to all of the kind people here!

I'll try to keep it as short as I can and hopefully get a few replies with some advice...

I live with my boyfriend in UK for 5 years. I have found everything in him that I can't find in other people. We never argue, we understand each other and I feel really warm with him, it's one of my people now. I really love him...
He hadn't been in our homecountry for the last 5 years until summer. He had stopped any friendships he had and so on. His "then" best friend was in his msn list but they were rarely chatting (1-2 times per year). Last March I went to our homecountry and met his brothers who then introduced me to my boyfriend's "then" best friend (lets call him John). From then...something has happened to me...I have really fallen in love with John...Nothing has happened between as but I am pretty sure it is mutual. He now wants to visit us in the UK...
I have really freaked out because I am in a terrible dilemma..Little angel tells me to forget about it because not even cheating on my boyfriend is bad, but cheating on my boyfriend with his "then" best friend is even worse...and I really have feelings towards my boyfriend..I'm just not IN love with him anymore. Little devil cannot let me go of these thoughts. I think of John every day. We chat on msn constantly and when we meet, I can't forget those smiles and looks...but I guess that he is holding back as well...
To sum it up: I LOVE my boyfriend, but I AM IN LOVE with his "old" best friend. That's awful!!! What should I do I am not desperate to make love with John...even a kiss would do...just to share the passion with him...nothing more... but I still think that would be awful towards my boyfriend!! I really don't know what to do!!! I didn't want to cause this, but those are feelings and I'm very very confused of what I should do.
Most people will turn to me and say that I should break up with my boyfriend because being in love with another guy means that I don't love my boyfriend anymore. Well...guess what...I love my boyfriend and that's why I just don't do anything with the guy that has haunted my mind who use dto be his best friend. I would never think of breaking up with my boyfriend and start a relationship with the other (not just because he was his best friend, but because passion is passion and doesn't last long). But I can't stand this haunting anymore. Many times I hope that I will never be in the same room with John alone but I really don't trust myself and probably in the future I might just as well let it happen...cause it is very difficult to resist..Thanks God we live in different countries!!
I really don't know what advice I'd like to have...on which matter...I guess I need some help with my confusion...morality, love, passion, what is right and what is wrong...who judges that...I'm utterly confused

[lovey_411]

Originally Posted by Melinda123

Well...guess what...I love my boyfriend and that's why I just don't do anything with the guy that has haunted my mind who use dto be his best friend. I would never think of breaking up with my boyfriend and start a relationship with the other (not just because he was his best friend, but because passion is passion and doesn't last long).

If you love your boyfriend and do not want your relationship to end then you should end all contact with John and work on the issues in your relationship. You can have passion in a healthy commited relationship but what you are describing is the excitement and thrill of something new. This is infatuation. Nothing good can come out of this. Imagine how you would feel if your boyfriend was doing this to you. You need to be fair to him, either forget about John and work on your relationship or break things off with your boyfriend and pursue John. Believe me, nothing good ever comes of playing two fields, someone is going to get hurt.

I wish you luck, I know that this is not easy.

[Sarah12385]

End ALL contact with this "John" guy. It will make a huge difference, I can almost guarantee you. This man is probably haunting your mind because of the constant contact. You should tell "John" that you are with your boyfriend whom you love & deeply care for, and that you just can't do this anymore.....and then move on with your life w/your boyfriend


~Sarah!

[suzy]

Sounds to me like your trying to convince yourself that you simply cannot restrain yourself when it comes to this "john" guy. Are you really just trying to convince yourself that you have no choices in this situation, thereby ridding yourself from guilty feelings? To me, being in-love and trully loving someone should mean the same thing. People often say they are in-love when actually they are infatuated and in-lust. I'm glad to hear you are not wanting to start a relationship with "john" (as much of your excitement in connection with him is probably partly to do with "forbidden fruit" and I'll bet that the novelty would wear off fast.) Be kind to your man and think about how you would like to be treated. If you really want to stay with him and you trully love him, avoid "john" and try to introduce a little passion back into your relationship with your b\f.

[Melinda123]

Hi lovey_411, Sarah and suzy! Thanks a lot for your replies. All three of you suggest to avoid John. I know...it's the only way to get out of this misery...but that made me think of what will happen when I do avoid him and decide to forget about him. I think that suzy is very right on saying that the excitement is because it is the forbidden...but I also think that something is not going well in my relationship with my boyfriend. We indeed don't argue, everything is calm and nice and loving...but things have become so....still! Sometimes I feel like it doesn't really matter if we live together because it still feels like I'm living on my own...he works too much and when he is home he plays computer games all night...sleeps too early leaving me on my own doing my own things...there isn't anything exciting about it at all...and this is why I deep down don't want to avoid John. Cause if I do that...then there is nothing more in waiting for rather than my boyfriend coming back from work and sitting infront of the computer totally avoiding me because he will lose in the game...and so on.
About John...well I'm SURE that if anything happen between us, then it will probably be it and nothing more because I know myself and I pretty much can understand this haunting thing. The happening would be the reference point: before and after....before that everything is smooth with my boyfriend yet it is boring and I'm fully concentrating my thoughts on John...after that smoothness with my boyfriend has vanished (even if he knows nothing about it, I'll have such a guilt) and I will start comparing my boyfriend to John...and I know that John is really nothing...however my mind will be freed.
I know of course that it depends on me. It is like trying to quite smoking. If you don't really want to quit you're not gonna quit even though you try your "hardest".
But honestly...do you really think that passion can be brought back into a relationship after years?? Are there so many people out there that have managed to keep passion and excitement in their longlasting relationships? Everyone is saying "try to bring the passion back in the relationship" but I really feel that it is quite impossible.

[mental_traveller]

You don't love John otherwise you wouldn't be feeling this way. You don't "love" someone if you are not "in love" with them - what you have is friendship, not love. The others said you have to cut off all contact with this guy. I disagree - you should confess to John what you feel, tell him the whole truth, and then ask if he wants you to leave or not. Then accept his decision and do your honest best to stick by it. If you don't do this then you neither love nor respect him.

[centered]

Originally Posted by mental_traveller

You don't love John otherwise you wouldn't be feeling this way. You don't "love" someone if you are not "in love" with them - what you have is friendship, not love. The others said you have to cut off all contact with this guy. I disagree - you should confess to John what you feel, tell him the whole truth, and then ask if he wants you to leave or not. Then accept his decision and do your honest best to stick by it. If you don't do this then you neither love nor respect him.

I think you confused "John" with the boyfriend. "John" is the friend -- not the boyfriend. It sounds like you are telling her to throw herself at the friend and dump the boyfriend. Is that what you meant?

[Melinda123]

@centered: thanks for the clarification, i got quite confused i must say!

@mental_traveller: You say that what I have is friendship, not love...well I must say that I kind of agree with you. I feel more like a friend with my boyfriend the last year and all the erotic part has vanished. However I disagree with you when you say that I don't love him. Do you mean by that that one cannot love his closest friend? Why? Because I don't feel sexual attraction towards him? I don't feel sexual attraction towards my parents either by I love them to bits and if there is something that I might do that will hurt them then I'll try not to because I don't want to see them unhappy. Same goes for my boyfriend.
As far as what I say about "I'm in love with John" well I should probably say "He has haunted my mind" cause I'm really not sure anymore what this phrase means exactly. But I'm sure that I don't love John (the friend of the boyfriend that is).

My problem is that I don't know what to do...Sexual attraction has just dissapeared and there doesn't exist any in the air between me and my boyfriend (though I don't know his point of view, but there are gaps of 3 weeks without any sex). However, we feel very nice and warm together (when he doesn't work or play computer) that neither me nor him would like to be apart and thus would not like to break up with him. I really feel he is unique. But I haven't caused the sexual attraction to vanish. It just happened through time and of course through the boredom that I explained in my last post. He is not innocent either. He has not cheated but he has considered cheating on me once. The thing is that things are not black or white and thus the replies that are similar to: " Either break up with him or eat up the boredom and never look elsewhere" are quite hard to process and execute.

I don't think I can tell him about my secret and if someone tells me that it's not fair to him then he didn't tell me either about his secret once upon a time. It's not that I take revenge or anything, I have completely forgot about what he wanted to do. It's just that it's too difficult to say such a thing. You make it sound so easy and black and white...well it isn't. If all matters in life were black or white then our choices would be so much easier! There are greys in between and most of all many colors that make the situation a bit complicating!