[gordon_gc]

Hi,
Just thought I would post a new thread and seek advices. Some of you have seen my other threads and what I went and still going through.
In a nutshell, my 13 months gf broke up with me 2 weeks ago. Since then, I have actually been trying to figure out the reasons behind it, the best way to behave to get her back, etc, etc...

However, this time, I went with my guts and did go against the whole NC because I needed a clear and honest explanation on a face to face basis. We met this morning for breakfast and finally had the talk I was expecting.

She told me she still loves me and has feeling for me but a part of her is away. She didnt want to lie to me and herself by keeping our relationship til she would solves this. I asked where that part was away and we finally ended to something really painful. I could describe our relationship as pre-Europe and post-Europe. Before travelling to Europe together, everything was fine til she met her ex boyfriend living in the UK. She didnt think she would feel that way but actually strong feeling seemed to reappear.

After this trip, I think she mostly was trying to forget this and move on but couldnt take this issue out her mind. She felt something strong for this guy and was confused about having me and this guy in her heart.

I clearly stated her that she mostly had a fantasy of that guy as he was far away, only in contact with her for good things and not the way I was with her meaning supporting her day in day out.

She said that she couldnt do anything further with me because of this feeling.

Obviously, I was upset and trying to getting back inot the relationship is not my decision. She obviously has this guy in her head, in her heart. I told her she had to stop lying to herself by thinking about that guy and maybe needed to have a talk with him. That is probably the hardest decision I ever ahd to make : accepting the way she felt and pushing her to get in touch with this guy.

It is a big gamble for me. She could get back with this guy. She could also realized he is not the one she thought. Anyway, she has to clear her mind from this. I just hope I made the right decision by supporting her and not getting mad at her…just thought it wouldn’t help me, her, us by using my ego to solve the issue…it might work, it might not work.

After all the emotion of the conversation, we started a meaningless conversation about the good time we had, life and kissed. It was a bit awkward and in some way, even more confusing but the feeling were still here and she appreciated my understanding and my kindness.

Since then, we are in contact but don’t really know if I should practice NC until she solves her problems with that guy.
Anyway, I have 2 questions: Do you think I made the right decision by supporting her to call that guy and have the talk they should have ?
Then, what should I do with my contact with her, NC or not ? What behaviour should I have ?

Hope I have clear to explain the situation and don’t hesitate to ask me details if you want some more.

[Kengne]

Originally Posted by gordon_gc

Hi,

Anyway, I have 2 questions: Do you think I made the right decision by supporting her to call that guy and have the talk they should have ?
Then, what should I do with my contact with her, NC or not ? What behaviour should I have ?

Hope I have clear to explain the situation and don’t hesitate to ask me details if you want some more.

Hello Gordon,

First of all - I have to applaud your ex-gf for being honest with you re: her feelings towards her ex-bf. Many people cannot and willnot be that honest, so please do not be mad at her. I understand you feeling hurt or upset - but being mad will do and change nothing.

Second - no you did not make the wrong decision by telling her to go after the ex-bf. In fact, it shows that you truly care abt her - even if in doing so she is hurting you. That is admirable, and I only wish I could do that if I was in your position. Clearly your ex-gf is confused but the only person who can solve her confusion is HER. Your speculation abt her fantasizing & idealizing the ex-bf is just that - speculation. Do not try to convince her of this, or make her see things YOUR way bcuz if anything it will only push her further away and into HIS arms.

Next - now that you received the explanation & closure you needed - time to go into NC. Why is there even any question? Your ex-gf is very confused, and she needs to make a choice. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY - you need to heal.

By continuing to be in her life... as a 'safety net'... you are effectively telling her that she has you on lock & key... she will not feel urged to move mountains to come back to you, as she knows you will be chilling outside her doorstep!! She will continue in this limbo state for as long as you allow her to. Remember that song - you don't know what you got till it's gone? That's the tune you need to be singing. You need to be OUT of her life - for her to realize (IF EVER) that she MISSES you and wants you back IN her life - AS HER BF (and not just her 'friend' )

Show her your worth. Show her you love her - but don't NEED her in your life.

BUT MORE THAN ANYTHING - please realize that NC is PRIMARILY for YOU. It is a time for YOU to heal. For YOU to move on. If the ex comes back - great. But if not - at least you will be healed, and ready to love someone else.

Please don't sell yourself short. Know your worth, and don't stick around.

K.

[lottie]

Hi Gordon - I think that NC is the only way to go for you. I'm in a sort of similar situation, and you really have to protect yourself against unwittingly being used by the other person while they're trying to figure their lives out. It's hard to break the habit, but you have to really separate from her. It's far to easy for her to keep you on the back burner for support while she's trying to figure out what's going on with the other guy. While it seems natural for you to try to support her (because you love her) it's exactly the wrong thing to do.

Good luck.

[gordon_gc]

Hi,
Actually would like to thank you guys for your point of view. I do consider every reply left on this thread.

I also would like to ask if anyone has lived the same situation I lived and how it got handled. I also would like to know what was the outcome ? I also would like to know if anyone actually ever had a second chance and how did it go ?

Thanks