Hi, i'm been married 8 years to a woman i love very much.
The problem is that when it comes to sex, i have a high sex drive and she has none. She was sexually abused as a child so she has an aversion to it, and will not allow oral sex, toys or foreplay with her clitoris manually.
To compound the problem, we haven't had sex in over a year or more since i've been on antidepressants, causing erectile dysfunction and loss of sensitivity and lack of deep emotion.
She never complains and has never, ever in 8 years, even now, tried to initiate sex or even tease - it's just not her. Since she doesn't feel comfortable with masturbating me or herself, or even letting me masturbate her, i can't do anything to satisfy her or myself.
I'm going INSANE!!! Even though my drive is artifically lowered, i have been doing a slow boil trying to satisfy myself in any way possible.
I've recently started a dangerous tactic of visiting strip clubs and getting lapdances as it's the only thing that comes close to sex and gives me a release, but i'm afraid i'll go one step further and go all the way, ruining an otherwise loving marriage.
Get into some counseling. Not sure if your wife has ever had any type of counseling for what happened to her as a child, but until that is properly delt with, chances are things will stay the same. Get into counseling together. Stay away from the strip clubs etc, I understand you're frustrated, but work on your marriage. I think you already know what it is you feel you must try to do to work on things with your wife, and going to a strip club isn't one of them and will only cause further problems.
Jade
__________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
Maybe she is having the issues being sexual with you because of the abuse .. Seems that till she faces those issues she will continue to not want to be intimate.. Get her to a sex therapist to hell her deal with these issues and also some marriage counseling before you take the wrong road and end up cheating stay aways from these strip clubs and all that can be bad and make you want to pursue cheating!! Good luck
Dude, stay away from the strip clubs. They're a black hole for money, and strippers want one thing and one thing only: your bucks. That should come as no surprise, of course, but it's easy to be influenced by sexy chicks in skimpy, or non-existent, clothing.
A sexless marriage for a man is just like a non-supportive spouse for a woman. While a woman can be driven out of a marriage by her husband not meeting her emotional needs (which, granted, change with the wind), a man's drive for sex and intimacy that is constantly frustrated can potentially drive him away, either into the arms of another or just out of the marriage entirely.
Both you and she need counselling; however, I get the sense that she will probably resist it. Regardless, seek counselling yourself for your own support.
It sounds like you're having a hard time and you're trying to do the right thing by you and by your wife. Don't be too hard on yourself for feeling confused by it. I agree that couple counselling is a really good idea. It might help resolve the sexual problems as well as drawing attention to the problem to your wife - she also needs to know that the sexual problems are a significant issue in your marriage and she may be overlooking that fact as the lack of sex may not be bothering her in the same way it is bothering you. I think couple counselling would address that issue on both levels. Good luck.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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