well, here i go again. ..i've been posting for a bit about my issue with a marriage that has been troubled since about march..wife loves me(ahem), but not "in love" she uses some pretty tough words about feeling nothing for me and about how she doesnt know what she wants but knows she doesnt want this...and the way she spits out the word "this" is tough to take..the problem stems from me taking her for granted and her unwillingness over the years to let me know i wasnt getting the job done for her..seems no matter what i try she is just totally completely stuck in one position (ie her life sucks, loveless/sexless marraige/blah blah)
we also have an 11 and 8 yr old..beautiful kids... i have been thinking about (probably only fantasizing) about calling what a friend (male/no affairs here)calls her bluff and taking the short walk out to the local motel for a while..3 times now i threatened and i really think because of the kids, and my spiritual beliefs i do not want to quit on our marriage..
i recently bought the book Five Love Languages and read it over the weekend.... its interesting because i feel very validated that my thinking over the summer was to be the best person i can be, to do loving things and hope to rekindle our marriage seems to be very inline with the book...that plan failed and i have recently been quite down about it and really focused on moving out ..of course i'm a total fricking wimp so i dont do it and i just stew...
what i learned from this book is that i was missing a key part of the plan and that was to make sure she was getting the message.... i beleive my wife's "love language" is words of affirmation, with some gift giving/acts of service on the side...my actions were almost 100% on the acts of service so i plan to honestly complement the hell of her (hehe) and see if that starts a little bit of thaw...
this has been the toughest yr of my life(42yrold) by far but i am going to keep an positive attitude as best i can and see what happens.
One question i;m thinking about is whether to let her know i have read this book. i wonder if that would help or hurt, i;m thinking at first i don't need to get cute, just do it and see if there is any response.
Im glad to here you havent moved out yet and I sure hope you can hang in there and make things work. Far as the book goes....
Id make use of it on your own first and see how she responds, this is what I did and it worked great for us. My wifes love language is words of affirmation also and her secondary is quality time. I started out telling her how much I appritiated the way she handle the kids, how good she was at taking care of our family as a wife and mother, how pretty she was ect... just small things to start with and only every other day or so at first, not to come on too strong. Then one day (after about a week or so) I told her what a great job she did handling a real tough situation with one of our kids, that I thought she had been really strong and understanding in her dealings with them and how much I appritiated her for it. She smiled (BIG SMILE ), gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek and said thank you. Thats when I new that I was speaking her love language and her tank was being filled, it felt awsome!!! Ive since given her the book and shes now reading it. It really is a great tool not just for marriage but for dealing with children and other relationships as well.
Last edited by bkz; 15th November 2005 at 6:56 PM..
i think there is so many complicating things going on in all our relationships that its hard to cut thru it all.. i was really starting to think that there was nothing more i could do... i'm totally aware that she needs to want to reconnect with our marraige so i had been trying to be the BEST husband possible and it wasnt until i read that book that it hit me that i'm pressing all the wrong buttons...over and over and over...so we'll see..not expecting magic potion but given that we are still together through all this i'm hoping i've found at least a much better way to try get our marriage back on track
btw- this should have been sooooooo obvious...where my family is totally non-critical and supportive to a fault...her mom is a narcissist of the highest order and hasnt said anything nice to her daughter since i can remember
BINGO!!!! I'm proud of you. You're not being wimpy IMO. You're trying to save your marriage.
My mom was exactly like your wife's mom, but thankfully she's gone now. I still have a hard time not replaying the tapes of the things that she's said to me in my head over and over.
It's going to take a long time to see progress in this area Tricky. Just remember, your wife didn't feel neglected quickly and your solution will not work quickly either. She'll need to see some slow, steady progress on your part. Don't give up. Your kids are worth it.
Yours is a typical female point of view, MZ PIXIE....from a man's POV he is being wimpy. See what a difference gender makes?!
Alpha does have a point somewhere there. I think the trick is to integrate firmness and strength with kindness and a genuine willingness to solve the issues that bother her. She needs to feel affection from you, but she needs to respect you too.
Brainstorming time. I don't have marriage experience, but I'm thinking aloud based on relationship experience. I think you can't let things stagger on like this. In your shoes, my first instinct would be to bring things to a head. Here's what you could tell her:
She has faffed enough, you're getting frustrated with this, now is the time for action. Can she pull herself together enough for this? You're willing to work through issues - is she? If not, you'll have to take some time out.
Be strong and firm but kind. Make it clear that your first choice is to save the relationship, but you cannot go on forever in limbo. Be prepared to leave if necessary. To "call her bluff" as your friend says.
Oh, and if she starts talking issues, be willing to listen but have some of your own to throw on the table too. This will remind her that it's not just perfect her having to put up with vile you.
Brainstorm over. Feel free to accept/reject as you find this useful.
__________________
That is not me in the photo. Nor is it my ass
Thanks for all the feedback...one of the things about this forum is it makes me feel less alone in all this..
i thought the "wimp" line would get some chatter...hehe
my wife does respect me. she knows i would do ANYTHING for her and the kids and in her mind, that is one of the things keeping her in the game.. that being said...i've called the bluff now 3 times, and then didnt follow through...each time i've said that i saw no alternative but to walk...she has talked me down from that so i'm losing credibility there...i think its perfectly reasonable to be saying that's it IM OUTTA HERE!!!! but what about the kids???? this is my vicious circle..and let me be clear...i want to stay with my wife too...if i left i would be hoping that she "sees the light" and wants me back...
i really really liked the 5 love languages book tho. it feels like a godsend to me right now and i understand we still may not make it through all this but i feel like i have a template to work on....if i can get her to have some hope and feelings again, then any pushing on my part has a much better chance of being accepted..before i read this book i was soooooo down...btw thnx lady jayne if you are reading this i got the idea to read it from your posts on other threads about this whole I love you but i'm not in love with you epidemic
if i took romeo's advice, that is a one way ticket out the door and i'm not ready for that yet
so even tho i feel like a wimp, my decision is to stay and fight and try to fill up that love tank...if that doesnt work, then i will at least be able to say that i did everything i could to try to make our marriage work and i can't control the other person in that marriage..
Thanks for all the feedback...one of the things about this forum is it makes me feel less alone in all this..
This is our pleasure. And talking here will give you a chance to behave more rationally and calmly IRL.
Quote:
my wife does respect me. she knows i would do ANYTHING for her and the kids and in her mind, that is one of the things keeping her in the game..
That's good to hear. But IMO it's not the same as respect. This is her knowing you have affection for her.
Quote:
that being said...i've called the bluff now 3 times, and then didnt follow through...each time i've said that i saw no alternative but to walk...she has talked me down from that
This I didn't understand. But I'm guessing since you have made no concrete progress that she talked you down like a child with a temper tantrum, rather than sorting things out with you like an adult. The price of staying should be that you work on the issues together, not that she can talk you in or out of anything.
Quote:
i really really liked the 5 love languages book tho. it feels like a godsend to me right now
It is. Such a simple concept, yet really improves relationships. More people should know about this.
Why don't you read or do things like this together with your wife? Why aren't you working *together* on the marriage?
Quote:
if i took romeo's advice, that is a one way ticket out the door and i'm not ready for that yet
It never has been for me. Women like a man who is strong and takes initiative. Especially when that initiative is the first step in putting a relationship back together. What they hate is passive and avoiding the issues.
Quote:
if that doesnt work, then i will at least be able to say that i did everything i could to try to make our marriage work and i can't control the other person in that marriage..
I'm a bit worried about some of your methods, but I admire your willingness to change and grow. I really hope your wife realises how lucky she is - many men just won't.
I'm a bit worried about some of your methods, but I admire your willingness to change and grow. I really hope your wife realises how lucky she is
I hope so too, and I'd second the remarks about improvement on the marriage being something that both of you should be working on. What's your wife doing to improve matters? Complaining doesn't count...unless she's got some concrete idea as to how things could be put right.
Reading your post, I get this vision of a man attaching jump leads to a car that won't start, fiddling about under the bonnet and poring over the owner's manual whilst his wife sits in the passenger seat doing her nails and whining about the fact that she's going to be late.
I don't think you should let her get too comfy in that passenger seat. At some point your limits are going to be reached. You'll get thoroughly sick and tired of being the one who's making all the effort here....and when you do reach that point, what will happen? Do you know what the limits to your own tolerance are? If you don't, then neither does she...and she might well keep let you carry on doing all the relationship improvement work here until you reach those limits - by which time, it will probably be too late for her to save the relationship.
ok here's the update...we talked for hours last nite and decided to separate...i have tried soooooooo hard to work with her to rebuild our marriage but she is totally unwilling to do ANYTHING to reconnect, so i told her last nite, i give up, she wins...since i work - i get to leave
unlike our other "decisions" we are both in agreement and clearly communicated our decisions....she says she needs to do this and i agree, i can't live in this limbo anymore...
we have 2 kids 11 and 8 yrs old. the only thing we didnt decide is when...to be clear both my wife and i are very gentle caring people and don't want to hurt our kids, she thinks we should wait till after the holidays , i am not so sure..
the other thing i want to understand better is how to best set ground rules for a separation..i've seen lots of posts about NO CONTACT..obviously thats not doable with kids in the picture but what is that really and do people think thats helpful in this type of situation..
since my wife is saying she needs to be alone and i've basically been alone for years i'm happy to say that we can't talk unless its related to specific things like paying bills or taking care of the kids..i don't want her feeling i'm supporting her in any way...is that the right way to do it??? also is it best to put a time frame around this? my guess is not..
i feel like this is all NOT REAL and i know one day i'm gonna get in my car and drive out of there to where/?? a hotel? motel? friends house? yikes..its all very sad and scary..
final thought...and this says alot IMHO, this morning i woke up sad, hurt, empty BUT ALSO RELIEVED>.....i've seen other posts about how brutal this might be, but at least i am moving in some direction. i am a changed, better person and i hope that whether we somehow reconcile or whether i move on that whatever relationship i have is going to be better(just keep saying that!)
btw- this should have been sooooooo obvious...where my family is totally non-critical and supportive to a fault...her mom is a narcissist of the highest order and hasnt said anything nice to her daughter since i can remember
This is interesting to me - I don't know how long your wife has been feeling distant and dissatisfied with your marriage, but I wonder - has she been to therapy about her mom? Thing is, after reading this I couldn't help but wonder whether her mom's narcissistic personality disorder didn't merely create a strong need for affirmative words...I'm definitely no expert on this, but it seems that people who have to deal with narcissistic loved ones may sometimes become accustomed to that challenging role in a relationship - so much so that it may be difficult for her to appreciate your emotional generosity properly, and in fact, she may either instinctively mistrust it, or she may be so used to a emotional rollercoaster-type lifestyle that your consistent gentleness isn't stimulating enough for her. I don't know. It sounds to me like she's got a lot of therapy work she might need to do.
__________________ We are the night ocean filled with glints of light.
We are the space between the fish and the moon, while we sit here together.
Last edited by seachange; 17th November 2005 at 1:10 PM..
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
), gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek and said thank you. Thats when I new that I was speaking her love language and her tank was being filled, it felt awsome!!! Ive since given her the book and shes now reading it. It really is a great tool not just for marriage but for dealing with children and other relationships as well.
Linear Mode
