[SincereOnlineGuy]

A good read for those who are unsure about meeting people from online.

Many years ago I struck up a chatroom conversation with a 17-year-old girl who is many years younger than I am. She, through the powers of internet anonymity, was remarkably comfortable being honest about the insecurities of a teenage girl. She's the classmate you remember as being quite attractive to the eye and seeming to have everything going for her socially while still not seeming to have a boyfriend. Don't mean to imply that anybody should be defined on the basis of having a mate, but rather that she's the person about whom you thought: "gee, if she doesn't even have someone, then how confident can I be about finding mister right?"

Despite my relative maturity (hah!) I remained drawn to how completely forthright she had sounded on the topic of her shyness around the guys in her school. It soothed my own mind in a way to know that someone so eligible and sincere knew her own internal struggles just like I do. As remains so much of the draw to many internet conversations, this was a case of a female, regardless of age, showing more of her personal fiber than my mind had expected.

Let me add that to this day we have never conversed in any detail on subjects that most would label as "dirty" or "naughty". (and that my work has allowed me to give her indisputable *proof* at different times that the identity behind the words matched the name I had given her)

At the time of that first online encounter back in the late 1990's we lived about 1200 miles apart and I wasn't at all interested back then in actually meeting this young woman. Time has allowed that she was awarded an athletic scholarship to a university far from her home and much farther from my home as well. She set out upon this college journey as a freshman still not yet eighteen years of age and we kept in touch to some extent via e-mails whenever possible.

Her college years took shape quite nicely as her social shyness was offset somewhat by the fact that she was prooooooobably the best natural athlete on her team. My online friend was quite at-home when playing sports and even her tentative personality knew it. She was confident there.

During a vacation I took some months into her first year at school I was keenly aware that if willing to sacrifice time and several hundred miles of round-trip car travel, I could show up at one of her scheduled NCAA athletic events to see her perform for the first time. I had some mixed feelings about doing this, because I didn't want to impact her performance in any way. At that time it was still easy for me to turn up and sit in the stands and watch with it being impossible that I'd be recognized. So I made that journey over hundreds of miles just to watch her NCAA event. I felt somewhat giddy just to be there, and just to know what a value I had placed on this genuine person. She really did take-on a different vibe when playing sports and her poise and confidence out there really piqued my brain as I contrasted what I saw with what I'd been reading of her own words for over a year.

I left that area without a trace and resumed my vacation and only later did I announce that I had indeed gone to watch her perform.

Time went by and she entered into a relationship at school where on occasion she needed a confidence boost or some encouragement about the week-to-week "relating" aspect of that. It was somewhat priceless that she could confide in me fairly easily for still enjoying the benefits of reasonable anonymity. At times our e-mail exchanges on the topic of her relationship were quite voluminous and during this time period it appeared that those e-mails were more important than ever.

Her sophomore year and then her junior year ticked away with many e-mails traded back and forth and late in the summer after that junior year I reminded myself that if I didn't make a long trip to see my young friend perform again, that I'd never get another chance. So with that I began to plot in secret about what might be the most ideal time for a vacation that might include a trip to watch her again. At one point I did ask her "what would you think if I came to watch you later this year?" and because the subject wasn't addressed directly and immediately on her side, I later opted to be on the safe side and not announce my return intentions. Since I could always tell her I was coming, and could never UN-tell her, I felt it safest not to say a thing.

So the calendar ticked away and my plans firmed up, and I had myself scheduled to make it to her school's campus for the first time ever. I looked forward to the day of my flight, and coincidentally her mother (with whom I had been communicating online for almost as long, although not nearly as frequently) landed on my messenger service the night before just to catch-up with me and my life. I couldn't tell her a word of my intentions for then she might taint the pressure-less environment that I came to see as being best for my last visit to see her perform.

I did make a point of writing a postcard to her mother as I sat in the stands watching the performance. It began: "Oops, did I forget to tell you something? ________ is nice this time of year, wishing you were here!"

Having gone to that last performance and making it so important to myself later became one of the happiest decisions I'd made in some time. My friend had an exceptional performance that day and I happened to have been fortunate enough to have taken a photo at the precise moment of its pinnacle. The photo promised to be so good that the next day I rushed to a One-hour photo place that I'd spotted nearby in order to have a copy to send to her mother back home.

My young friend's college athletic career came to an end soon after that, but the whole experience was obviously enriching and of considerable benefit to her. Title IX really works for young adult women!!

Then her life was filled with getting an undergrad degree, and then a post-grad degree with training toward a specific field. Now, as my long-time friend nears the age of 25, she is well-placed in her career field of choice and seeming to thrive while still located in the area of her former university.

During the summer of 2004 I planned a weekend trip that would have me spending time with a male friend mere miles from where this much-younger, long-time internet friend would be. I gave her all of my contact info and invited her to spend a day with me at a very public, very crowded venue. I couldn't be in internet contact with her while on my trip, so the burden to contact me was on her depending upon whether she wished to or not. Later she spoke of having "chickened out".

So very recently (October, 2005) came another very suitable opportunity for us to meet. For this one I was more direct in extending the invitation months earlier and discussing the opportunity, the venue and arrangements all ahead of time. She offered at one point that if I would secure a third ticket (for one of her friends, to help make things more comfortable) to the venue that she "would commit this time, and not chicken out".

After some pulling of strings I was able to find a way that three of us could sit together and with that my intensity for the upcoming day in question grew tremendously. I continued to update her on the little things and assured her that my priorities were for a very comfortable and smooth day out and about.

The arrangement evolved to be that we would meet for breakfast at 10:00am where we could have some time for just talking and getting a more real sense of one another and then spending the afternoon at our venue of choice. Upon my arrival at the restaurant parking lot, I got out of the car and was quickly greeted by an enthusiastic "hi", which turned out to be from the friend who had been deputized to keep the day smooth. Once I noticed the silhouette of someone else in the car she had just exited, I understood for sure that this was my party.

There was very little adjustment to real life needed, and at breakfast I brought out souvenirs from my home town and other related trinkets to offer. The day went remarkably smoothly and I can almost relive vividly in my mind every comfortable moment. I chose a venue that often demanded our attention but which allowed for lots of time to converse about many other things. The conversations never got too deep or uncomfortably personal and the extra friend was there just to make every little corner smoother to pass.

Later in the evening I offered to take my two friends (one old and one new) to dinner, and encouraged them to phone others who might want to join us, and we had a remarkably great time which lasted until midnight.

I apologize about the length of this offering, but I wanted to give others the inspiration they might be able to gain from about how online-begun friendships (and romances) can have unique and wonderful qualities which really do set them aside from friendships begun in aisle 7 at the grocery store. I'd say that most of those who scoff at online friendships and romances just aren't willing at the time to acknowledge or understand the uniquenesses which pave the way for even the shy among us to simply invest some of ourselves in another person before feeling the inner rewards which come from that investment.

I would contend that we're each more tolerant of others, and about the small flaws and insecurities that we all exhibit, as the result of online friendships and relationships allowed to blossom over time. Because we get to approach others when they feel safe in their own homes, and behind those end-all "log-off" commands, we can draw them out in ways that are very hard to duplicate in offline life. After another person "invests" so much of him/her self on the online table, they tend to feel a connection with the person chosen to listen to all of that. With time it becomes remarkably easy to just add a name and telephone number to the mix, and when those first real-life meetings do come to pass, both sides are armed with a unique familiarity with the "pawns" in the life of the other and those make for easy conversation.

Many times I have read about internet romances turned disasterous or scary or uncomfortable. In some ways it remains impossible to weed-out the bad guys with evil intent, but I would suggest mere TIME as a factor which can greatly reduce concerns that way. If someone is in a rush to meet you - forget it! Almost nothing good can come of a situation where a man is overly eager to see you in real life.

Time is your ally and your friend, and any guy worth waiting 3 weeks for would wait 3 months to meet you. Some of the more noteworthy online romantic successes result from the mere distance between internet acquaintances. That distance almost mandates that you let considerable time pass before meeting someone from the internet. In this day and age there are so many online dating sites, and so many geography-based chatrooms that there will always be some eager guy who will think it natural that you should want to rush right out and meet in public just because you stop at the same coffee shop twice each week.

The greatest reason you don't want to take those hastily-offered invitations to meet in public is not your safety. Instead the biggest reason for not meeting like that is that you'd still run the risk of getting there, and encountering a socially stunted person who just doesn't have anything engaging to offer in the way of conversation. It has been my experience that the whole trick to moving internet friendships to real life involves the fact that each side knows the details about the life of the other which make for the best conversation.

If you prefer to believe in "soulmates", then by all means, show up at that coffee shop and meet that person and perhaps fate will divine them to leap into enjoyable conversation one hour and 45 minutes after you first interacted in a chatroom. If instead you would rather effect your own social success and path no matter how affected by shyness you are or feel, then let those online friendships develop with TIME before agreeing to meet anyone in real life.

I wish to stress here that there was no romantic overtone to the first in-person meeting that I shared with my young internet acquaintance of more than seven years, so I am not someone now sitting at home and giddy with romance, just taking this opportunity to squeal toward someone. I have met maybe eight or ten women from the internet and almost every one of them was an eye-opening and comfortable success, with no "horror stories" for me.

Perhaps this doesn't address anything specific, but I hope to introduce added hope, confidence and ideas to some who are more new to the ways of the internet meeting the ways of the human mind. In no way do I mean that one need wait years before meeting a person from the internet. At one point I chatted intently with a woman for three weeks and then met in real life, sitting down with her and not once getting up during the next six hours! We dated for eight months.

Hope this can help someone feel better about the near future.