Why do men cheat & when they get caught get angry @ who they cheated on?

foolhearted · 10th November 2005, 12:59 PM

My b/f and I have been together for 2+ yrs. We lived together for one year and I caught him gettting other womens number, calling them, and meeting them. I don't know if he had any sexual contact with them? He became angry with me said that he could live like this any more and moved out. I went from feeling hurt and betrayed to said that he was leaving. Some how I was being punished for him cheating on me. All I wanted was for him to come home. We continued to date all the while I was thinking eventually he would come back home.This went one for about six months and ever once and awhile he would call me and say he had made a mistake and he wanted to come home. He was never happier in life than when he was with me. The next day he would change his mind and say he needed space. In September I moved into a new house and I was not there one week when he said he wanted to move in w/ me again. This time he did. I set a few guide lines such as no numbers, conversations or meetings w/ other women and no lying.( As if any of this needed to be said) He agreed and said what happened before would never happen again. Mind I still did not trust him. The first month was great we actually did really well together, but I hated when ever he told me he was going out with the guys and you can not come. Now don't get me wrong I understand everyone needs to go out and have a good time with just there friend here and there. My concern was no tthe guys , but the girls he was going to meet. Ever time hwe goes out with his "friends" he starts talking to some girl. I tis also one thing to get anothers number to see if you still have it. The major problem I have is when you use it Sure enough the same situation occured. I know for a fact that he was getting womens numbers and calling them. I know it is sad and wrong , but I look in his cell phone and I know the code to his voicemail. I heard the messages ffom these women calling him back. I t is not only 1 or 2 either. It is that many in one weekend. I confronted him again and wouldn't you know the same thing occured. He said he was leaving that he didn't want me any more and all I could think about was wanting him to stay. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? He was doing everything he could to pack some of his belongings and I was doing everything I could to get him to stay! I should have helped him pack and then held the door open!! How does that work. How does he get caught cheating I get the blame and heart ache for him wanting to leave? What I am supposed to do I still for some reason don't want to let him go.

JadeStar · 10th November 2005, 1:33 PM

First of all he is a player. He can not commit to just one person. He made you feel bad for his "cheating" ways because he wanted too make you feel that way. He was probably angry he got caught, and sounds like he was not sorry for what he did. He was in the wrong but instead of facing up to what he did in the beginning he took the coward way out and left. He also left because he wanted to go play, withour hearing anything from you.

As far as you still having feelings for him I think thats natural when you care about someone, wheather they cheated or not. It will take time to heal and it will not happen over night. I hope you DO NOT take him back, date etc. He seems to cause you more heartache than anything. Until he changes theres really nothing you can do but go your seperate ways and live your life the way you want. Go out with friends/family, have some fun, stay busy to help keep your mind off things.

Jade

foolhearted · 10th November 2005, 2:35 PM

I know that I should not give him another chance, but the fact is he has not left yet. He is still at home. I just wish I had some answers or a way of reading his mind so I knew what he was thinking and why he does the things he does. I din't understand why one week a person tells you they love you and can't live w/o you an dthe next, he tells me I am crazy and paranoid and anyone who was w/ me should have their head examend. Why doesn't he just leave and stay gone. WHy does he keep trying to bring me back in to push me away again?

JadeStar · 10th November 2005, 2:55 PM

Its all about control, not to mention he is playing mind games with you. He told you he loved you etc one week then turned around and said something different the next week because he doesn't know what he wants. He is a "cakeman", thats someone who wants their cake and eat it too. He wants you to be there for him when he wants or is convient but he also wants to go out and play these cat and mouse games with other women. It doesn't work that way. Hes controling in his words, he is playing mind games, he has been out with other women, thats really enough right there for you to get him out of your life. Don't let him take you down with him and have you feel you're dependant on him and that you're worthless and can do no better than him, because thats what he is doing. Cut him loose.

Jade

IhavenoFREAKINclue · 10th November 2005, 2:59 PM

Mission accomplished. He made YOU feel bad somehow and you wind up apologizing. He's known as a manipulator. but you got all fogged up with love and thought you were in the wrong somehow. This is what they do. go to
www.seeitandstopit.org Tell's you if your in an abusive relationship. IE turning stories around to make it seem like your in the wrong. I went to that site and broke up with my BF the next day. You have to be smart enought to tell him he's the one who cheated not you. Problem is....most girls aren't that smart.

lilmoma1973 · 10th November 2005, 3:09 PM

I think if he loves you so much he wouldn't do the things he continues to do!! It will be hard to let him go because you are in love with him but time will heal your wounds and i think he sounds like a big jerk and u deserve alot better !! Good Luck!!

ClassLady · 10th November 2005, 3:49 PM

The answer to this one is easy. They do it because it makes them feel better. If they can find fault in you, then they are justified. And the most important thing is that they will continue "AS LONG AS WE ALLOW THEM TO". Remember this phrase because as soon as you stop allowing it will be amazing how your life will change.

Nur · 10th November 2005, 5:09 PM

I don't think it's fair to say that "most men cheat." My boyfriend would never cheat on me, and I know that he'd leave me if I ever cheated on him. Neither of us agree on the whole "second chance" idea. If you do it once, you will probably do it again. If you are tempted by other people, then it's time to either end the relationship or find a way to fix it, not cheat and lie and hide things.

It's time you leave him. You deserve someone who wants you, only you.

JadeStar · 10th November 2005, 5:24 PM

Who said "most men cheat" I didn't see it or must have missed that. Also for you to say that your b/f would NEVER cheat is not good, No one is free from the possiblity. However, in some peoples cases depending on the situation, there is a difference between possible and probable.

Jade

foolhearted · 10th November 2005, 5:49 PM

Be fore I was in this relationship I always said I would never stay with someone who cheated. One time and there out. The fact is you never reall yknow untill you are in the situation. I can honestly say if one of my friend described my situation as there own I would tell them they were crazy to stay w/ that person. Even now that I am in the situation. My problem is I know what I should do. I am just not smart or strong enough to do it.

mini696 · 10th November 2005, 6:14 PM

Its called transferance (sic). He is transferring his guilt from cheating onto you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by foolhearted

He became angry with me said that he could live like this any more and moved out.

You should have let him go and stay gone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by foolhearted

All I wanted was for him to come home.

This is what he wanted you to do. Control you. Make you work to get him back. Test the limits of what you will put up with.

Quote:

Originally Posted by foolhearted

once and awhile he would call me and say he had made a mistake and he wanted to come home.

Because you didn't do what he wanted (which was not let him leave in the first place) he pulled the desperation card... Then you let it work on you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by foolhearted

He was never happier in life than when he was with me.

If he was happy he wouldn't have cheated.

Quote:

Originally Posted by foolhearted

In September I moved into a new house and I was not there one week when he said he wanted to move in w/ me again. This time he did. I set a few guide lines such as no numbers, conversations or meetings w/ other women and no lying.( As if any of this needed to be said) He agreed and said what happened before would never happen again.

Again, you gave him what HE wanted. The "guide lines" you set, should be a normal and natural thing in a relationship anyway.

Quote:

Originally Posted by foolhearted

Mind I still did not trust him.

I wouldn't have either.

Quote:

Originally Posted by foolhearted

The first month was great we actually did really well together, but I hated when ever he told me he was going out with the guys and you can not come. Now don't get me wrong I understand everyone needs to go out and have a good time with just there friend here and there. My concern was no tthe guys , but the girls he was going to meet. Ever time hwe goes out with his "friends" he starts talking to some girl. I tis also one thing to get anothers number to see if you still have it. The major problem I have is when you use it Sure enough the same situation occured. I know for a fact that he was getting womens numbers and calling them. I know it is sad and wrong , but I look in his cell phone and I know the code to his voicemail. I heard the messages ffom these women calling him back. I t is not only 1 or 2 either. It is that many in one weekend.

You allowed him to do this... Yes everyone in a relationship needs to go out and have their own friends, and time apart -doing their own thing- but you already set the bar very low by accepting him back the first time after he did this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by foolhearted

I confronted him again and wouldn't you know the same thing occured. He said he was leaving that he didn't want me any more and all I could think about was wanting him to stay.

You are afraid of being alone. You keep falling into his trap. STOP IT!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by foolhearted

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? He was doing everything he could to pack some of his belongings and I was doing everything I could to get him to stay! I should have helped him pack and then held the door open!! How does that work. How does he get caught cheating I get the blame and heart ache for him wanting to leave? What I am supposed to do I still for some reason don't want to let him go.

As I said before, you want him for the "token" that he is (a boyfriend). It takes time and effort to find another one, and by trying to keep him, you let him know "I want you, and I'll let you get away with anything, you have me under CONTROL"

You should hold the door open, only so you can slam it in his face when he turns around asking to come back.

mini696 · 10th November 2005, 6:39 PM

Not all men are cheaters, and those women who think they are should do things to make sure the man has no reason too.

I get very offended when I am placed into the "all men are cheaters" category.

Also having said everything that I did above, I know my ex kissed a friend of hers while we were together. I forgave her, but never got over it. She was always affectionate towards other people, hugging her boy-friends but that was just her. But we aren't together now so it doesnt really matter.

helena abadi · 10th November 2005, 7:26 PM

trying to make him stay is the surest way for him to think more about leaving.

pursuing a distancer = distance. always.

stop pursuing. kick him out. is it really scary to think about being alone? sure it is. what is worse, being alone or being trampled on? are you strong enough to handle the empty space when he leaves? give him what he wants, and that's OUT. go with the flow. i don't think you have a choice in the matter.

if he misses you, then he will be back, but if cheating if is something you will not tolerate, then spell it out. if he is willing to be accountable, transparent in his behavior, then your relationship will have a chance to renew. but if he's still being The Player, then you need to be prepared to walk away even before you talk about reconciliation, because otherwise nothing will change and his behavior will still beat the crap out of your heart.

lilmoma1973 · 12th November 2005, 11:08 AM

[B][/B]

I would have to say that when they cheat they take the anger out on the individual because of the guilt of what they have done and they are afraid this person is going to say screw this i don't need this kind of treatment..