Hes not wearing is wedding ring!!!

dontwanttoloosehim · 7th November 2005, 5:21 PM

Husband wanted to call it quits (for reasons that he was unhappy, my parents don’t like him ... etc). But after months of trying to convince him to give it a second chance. He finally said O.K. After my efforts of being nice etc… He said he’s lost the chemistry and no longer loves me and if it were up to him he would be gone.
I said ill move out- he said no be patient we will try and give it another try. I am trying there is nothing on his part. He said he will wear his wedding ring when he feels “it” and become affectionate when he feels it. He use to say he does not feel it now he says I feel it a little. I stopped talking to him about it. HOW LONG SHOULD I WAIT? IS HE SENDING GOOD SIGNALS?

mini696 · 7th November 2005, 6:57 PM

No he is not sending good signals. He is dragging you along, and it sounds like he's making you do all the work.

How long should you wait?? I dont think you should, it sounds like you have already done a lot of that.

magda · 7th November 2005, 7:17 PM

Ew, tell him "no thanks, don't do me any favors". Really, how could you put up with that? Say good bye!

smile95 · 7th November 2005, 7:21 PM

a friend of mine went thru this. A ring has a lot of meaning and for them, they took theirs off and worked on things....it meant a lot when he put his back on and he actaully wrapped hers up again and she put hers on....be patient. DO not push it. If it is going to get better, it will take time.

downcydeguy · 7th November 2005, 7:48 PM

I think you need to put your foot down and move out. He has you wrapped around his little finger right now and he knows it. His head is swollen from all the ego you're giving him right now. He doesn't want to work on this relationship. You two need to separate for a while and take the time to reflect on what actually needs worked on. Only then do I think you should try to start over.

LucreziaBorgia · 7th November 2005, 8:20 PM

Are you in marriage counseling? Problems like this don't just 'go away' - if you 'wait them out' they basically coast down to a flatline, dead marriage where you both pretend to be happy while settling for what seems easiest to do: stay married.

If you want things to really move forward, then let him know that there has to be some real steps to help you fix this (meaning marriage counseling), or you will file for divorce. Understand, though that if really and truly does not want to be with you, marriage counseling will be a waste of your time and money. At least if he agrees to go, maybe it can be a matter of clearing the air.

I would not be surprised to find out that he is having an affair. From reading your posts, it is a nearly textbook example of that. Also from reading your posts, it sounds like he is only staying because it is easier to stay (for a variety of reasons: money, guilt, etc) than it is to leave right now.

I also saw where there is the matter of a pending green card.

Seriously, to be honest it doesn't sound like there is anything to save really. Perhaps if he turns down marriage counseling, you will want to consider individual counseling to see why you have this attachment to someone who is painfully and obviously not into this marriage, and hopefully be able to break that attachment on your own and find someone who can provide you with the love, affection and attention you need in your life.

dontwanttoloosehim · 8th November 2005, 10:20 AM

I asked him if he would prefare I leave he use to answer that question with a yes and now he says I would rather you not. He gave me his word that he is not stalling for the right moment to leave. He says hes feeling the relationship a little and that I should just give him time. I am so confused. He said hes father never wore his wedding ring and it did nto mean anything. And he said hell wear it when he feels it.

LucreziaBorgia · 8th November 2005, 10:41 AM

I see nothing hopeful about your situation from your posts outside of your own wishful thinking. My guess is that he is seeing someone else and stringing you along because it is easier for him to stay with you right now than it is to leave. From your posts, it sounds exactly like what is going on. If that is not the case, then it is an even sadder scenario: he simply does not love you and does not want to be with you and is holding out for something better, or is simply waiting for the opportunity and means to leave. From your posts, it sounds like you use a good deal of passive aggressive emotional behavior to keep him with you - so between whatever is going on with him, and your actions - he stays because there is no easy way out right now.

I see no reason why you shouldn't ask him to go to counseling with you - at the very least, perhaps an objective third party can uncover some of what is going on between you and help you both find your way in whichever direction is best for you both.

Quote:

He gave me his word

I think you'll find soon enough that his word is worth nothing. His actions are far, far more telling in this situation.

dontwanttoloosehim · 8th November 2005, 10:59 AM

He told his own sister that he is willing to work on it if I change. I have and he has been responding better. He is with me 24/7 so I dont see that hes with someone else. We even work inthe same building and ppl at his work knows hes married. He is upset that my parents still dont approve of him. and thats out of my control.

Art_Critic · 8th November 2005, 11:14 AM

The ring means alot and can mean different things to different people..

He may be keeping it off because he knows that it hurts you..

Or he may be keeping it off because he knows he is not putting it back on

I wrote this in another thread somewhere..
When I seperated from my then wife I removed my ring and took it downstairs and flattened it with a 16 lb sledgehammer and gave it to my wife.
I wanted it totally understood that the ring was not going back on my finger.
then I filed for divorce within 30 days..

I think that the fact that he keeps the ring off is a message to you.. and you are missing the meaning..

dontwanttoloosehim · 8th November 2005, 11:29 AM

He says he will wear it when he feels it. I asked do you feel it at all and he said a little bit. He told his sister that I get anxious and I dont share with him the love he feels for me when he shows it to me, then that gets him stressed and confused. He is warming up to me a little does that give anyy hope.
He use to no even come near me and now he does. He is making future plans with me and telling me his goals and how we could reach it.
Is patience the answer.. cause time really made it a little better?

Art_Critic · 8th November 2005, 11:35 AM

He is playing games with you..

If he feels it..Tell him to stuff the ring in his as*..

He is using the ring to hurt you..He is not going to put it back on.. I'm sorry..

dontwanttoloosehim · 8th November 2005, 12:03 PM

Then whats the best thing to do????

Art_Critic · 8th November 2005, 12:07 PM

Show him that the ring not being on his finger means nothing to you..

Remove your ring as well... This is a biggie...

Take control of your marriage/reconciliation and make the decisions for him.

He is doing this ring thing and the sister thing to hurt you.. show him it doesn't.

Truly consider kicking him to the curb.. He isn't a very loving man

dontwanttoloosehim · 8th November 2005, 12:30 PM

I would do anything to make this work.
should i move out and wait for him to call me?
i have been trying to not talkt o him about this cause it makes him mad
but i am very confused