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I've been reading the "How do I tell my wife that she's overweight?" thread and it seems as though this is a more common issue than I would have thought. Some men even suggest leaving their wives due to weight gain. I was kind of surprised to read this. Of course everyone wants their SO to stay in shape but is it really that big of an issue, a deal breaker, enough to break up a marriage? I'm not asking with judgement I would just like honest opinions from people as to the importance of weight/looks in a relationship. At what point does a change in weight/looks become an issue (ie. how much of a change)?
When I was married my then wife was about 5'7 145 lbs.. I was married for 5 years and in that time she swelled to almost 180lbs+ and I never cared.. It was her body not mine..
As well as the weight gain was caused by all the injections from invitro and trying to have a baby as well as having a misscarriage at 3 months..
so her body was out of whack
I do think though that if she got any larger I might have said something only for the health issue..
When you love someone you don't notice their size.
I do think though that if she got any larger I might have said something only for the health issue. When you love someone you don't notice their size.
I think the average person feels this way, that some weight gain is inevitable, therefore not comment-worthy, but there is a fine line between putting on some weight and being unhealthily overweight. I think it's kind of stingy to tell someone that they're not worthy of your love because of a weight problem, though.
__________________ I got me a car, it's as big as a whale ...
Keeping yourself at respectable size is part of making sure your spouse stays in love with you. Just as you have to do the little gestures to show them you still love them you must also still care enough about what they think not to let yourself go. A little wieght gain is not a big deal but when in it is a lot of weight due to pure and simple laziness it becomes problem.
Looks are not everything and I would still love my wife if she gained weight but when she stops caring about her looks and stops trying to look good for me then the weight is not the only route of the promblems that will insue.
Looks are not everything and I would still love my wife if she gained weight but when she stops caring about her looks and stops trying to look good for me then the weight is not the only route of the promblems that will insue.
Good statement, and I'll add in: She should be trying to make herself look good for HERSELF, not only for you. Self confidence, how one looks, dresses, smells and carries themselves is important.
and I say why give a rat's *ss about looking good just to keep your mate? Good hygiene, good manners, yes; trying to adopt a healthy lifestyle and eating habits so ensure you get the most of your time together, yes; trying to meet some ideal someone has for you when they're not you, no. Not only no, but hell no. This is where it starts seeping into trying to live up to impossible standards set by society – I'll never be tall, blond or svelte, nor do I want to be because that's not my lot in life.
Just as you have to do the little gestures to show them you still love them you must also still care enough about what they think not to let yourself go
And this ignores the fact that it's not about caring about what someone else thinks. People who overeat often don't care about themselves and the food is a drug to help them feel better. Too, they are very often depressed already - one of the signs of depression is ceasing to care about how one looks.
So if you see someone doing this, look for causes and don't assume it's about you.
and I say why give a rat's *ss about looking good just to keep your mate? Good hygiene, good manners, yes; trying to adopt a healthy lifestyle and eating habits so ensure you get the most of your time together, yes; trying to meet some ideal someone has for you when they're not you, no. Not only no, but hell no. This is where it starts seeping into trying to live up to impossible standards set by society – I'll never be tall, blond or svelte, nor do I want to be because that's not my lot in life.
Its not so much about trying to get some one to live up to standards that they can't compete with. You are who you are and those that love you, love you for who you are. But when some one gains 100lbs and becomes over weight, the people surrounding them are not suggesting they loose 150lbs which would be a higher standard than before the weight gain but rather they would like to see them at least try to get back to where they were.
We are talking about people changing for the worse after the relationship has started, not trying to get you to be someone your not from get go. If you weigh 250lbs when you meet then and they fall in love with you, then yes it would then be wrong to expect you to loose 100lbs.
Well, you asked for honest answers so I will try. From my obsevations. Particularly, age is a factor. The younger a couple is the more likely a woman putting on weight could lead to problems. It puts a young guy`s back against the wall when a gal starts out at a good weight and then starts putting it on. The more weight, the more of a problem.
The big problem is a young guy with his libido in high gear has a tough time keeping his eyes off shapely gals and his imagination at bay. It is good to have what he originally chose to come back to to get his rocks off. Otherwise, and it is hard to go into all the details, he goes through life like a kid in a candy store, he can look plenty but can never touch.
So from your posts it seems there are other factors involved here....
Age
The amount of weight gained (and it could be any other physical change)
The SO's mental state / events happening in their life
Permanence of the weight gain or physical change
ah, Tudor, to me there's a fine line in the mentality of "please lose weight because I'm worried for your health and I want you to live as long as possible so we can enjoy our life together" and "you're fat an unattractive" -- unless you've got a personal investment in the overweight person (i.e. spouse, family member, concerned friend), all you see is the weight and you automatically assume this is a lazy person who refuses to better him/herself by "looking good."
which is why my first thought is to say "hell no" to people who comment on my weight and suggest I can do better.
I think the important thing is mostly women who simply start eating too much and keep putting it on. It has a lot to do with how the man percieves her weight gain. Probably few men would be totally indifferent. But there could be some resentment on part of a lot of men. If the weight gain is caused by other factors rather than just eating too much then it is just another challange in a relationship.
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