[NightsInWhiteSatin]

I met my boyfriend 1yr and 4 months ago, we started out as friends that kissed but we knew we couldnt really have a relationship because we would never see eachother due to work and where we lived etc but we still really felt strongly for eachother. After he quit his job and started working freelance he had more time to see me so we progressed into kinda dating...going to the cinemas etc then 4 months ago we made it official that we were a couple. We are both very much in love with eachother and i believe we have fallen even more in love this past month. I am 18 and he is 25 the age difference has never really been a problem for us and its not much really it's only 7 years.

We have disscussed a few times our views on marriage (not that we're planning on getting married, it just came up in conversation) he said he never wants to get married because it just causes problems and that if he did he wouldnt till in his late 30's then have kids when he's 40 like his dad. Also he says things like "I wish i met you 5 years from now" and "In a few years when we're mates". From everything he's said he has a very negative opinion about the future of our relationship (which he admits to) even though he tells me he 'loves me to death' and he 'doesnt want the relationship to end in a million years'. He says he's still finding himself etc (which i think we all are and do so throughout our entire lives) and he believes that people arent meant to have one life long partner and are meant to have many different experiences etc also he is determind to make a career out of music etc. I'm not looking to get married in the next few years or so or maybe even longer it's just that i feel weird in a way because the person i love has basically told me that he doesnt think we're going to last even though everythings perfect and we're in love and that even if we do last we are never going to be married and it makes me feel sad in a way and sometimes i wonder why be together if he's going to break my heart one way or another because if we do last i could never start a family without security and commitment like marriage. I don't want to try and change his views and opinions even though i'd like too because i'd like him to change his mind on his own accord because he wants to. I feel so confused by him, sometimes i wonder if he's planning to keep me around for a while till the next best thing comes along because he has such a phobia of any sort of commitment but then i can see it in his eyes how much he loves me when he tells me he loves me and it makes me wonder how someone can't commit to someone that they say they love to death. (remember i'm not looking for a proposal anytime in the next few years) can anyone enlighten me on any of this please? I dont want to keep discussing his opinions on marriage and relationship future etc because i dont want him thinking im after a proposal or pressurising him he pretended to throw a glass as a joke at his brother when he brought up marriage lightheartedly and freaks out if i meantion the words 'family, marriage, baby, wedding, ring etc' thinking im hinting when i was only telling him about my friend whose had a baby and getting married. Its not a major major problem like other peoples problems on here but it saddens me and i'd like to understand and know how to approach it and how not to if you know what i mean.

[NightsInWhiteSatin]

Me again - sorry i dont half write alot when i get going! If me and my boyfriend are still together in say 5-6 years, i'd like to think that we would be getting married or planning to or even a proposal be on its way after being together for so long which isnt unfair or silly childish thinking is it ( i just wanted to include that somewhere in there..sorry)

[Walk]

My bf was a lot like that, as far a doomsayer and he'd always say things so they were phrased like we would eventually break up. I asked him why, and he had/has a pretty negative view on relationships lasting.

My suggestion is don't read too much into it. He's not saying those things because he wants to break up. I guess just keep the faith. If he gets too negative about your future, explain to him that you believe the two of you can make it work, and that you believe in your relationship. He may just need to have his faith bolstered, and his saying those things may be his way of asking for reassurance that you will stay by his side, and that you want the relationship to work.

caution: Don't get too zealous in your bolstering or you'll scare him.

[NightsInWhiteSatin]

I think you're probably right, he's 25 and i was his longest relationship at the 3 month mark so none of his previous relationships have lasted long and he's been messed around alot in the past too so he probably doesnt expect me to stick around for long. I do remember one night when he was drunk he got all negative kept saying 'In the future when we're mates' and because i was drunk i started crying and asking him why he keeps talking like we arent going to be together in the future when everythings going great he said 'well you're going to get bored of being dragged round all my gigs every week hearing the same stuff over and over and me never having enough time to be with you because im always teaching or gigging' but i was so drunk i didnt remember the whole conversation till a few days later and he's never said anything like that other than that night so i think its something thats been building up in him. He's not one to talk about his fears so i though he was planning on cheating on me when he gets bored or something along them lines. Thankyou for replying, you've really helped