[taylor3205]

Well I am 28 year old gay male who just split up with my partner of nearly 7 years. I am not handling it well at all and have been on anti depressants and sleeping tablets since we split approx 3 weeks ago. He is 24 and we have known each other since early school days but it was only later we got together, he was 17 and I was 21 at the time. Anyway we went through all the jealousness and possesiveness and all the usual at the beginning which calmed down a hell of a lot later on, although I must admit I am still a bit possesive at times. We moved in together after 2 years and all was well apart from the odd up and down. I did kind of cheat one night while drunk, but I admitted it to him the next day as I couldnt live myself. We got through that and he forgave me (this was like 18mths ago). God knows what possesed me to do it but it did not mean anything to me at all and I was wracked with guilt as soon as it had happened. Anyway things were good for a while, but eventually we started arguing all the time about housework, money and general day to day crap. I resented the fact I was at home all day (freelance web designer/part time study) stuck with all the chores too while he worked a LOT of hours, split shifts both afternoons and nights and we never saw each other a lot and when we did there was strain sometimes as I had had a crap day and was stressed and he had had a hard day at work and was stressed. I became depressed and we just got stuck into a routine that was not very fulflling on aboth of our parts really, however it was secure and comfortable(and we actually did have some good days ), and we both talked of a happier future together. Anyway he left me 6 months or so ago, he took off for a week and I phoned him, he phoned me and we decided to take a break of living together and only see each other once or twice a week. This went well for a few weeks and the time we spent together was quality time. He then moved back in too quickly and it was soon back to the same old grind/routine. He worked a lot, didnt see him much and the time he did have off I wanted to spend with him although he still needed to spend time with friends and do his own thing also, I think also that me not working f/t and being stuck in the house seemed to make the days a lot lot longer than they actually were.

The arguing and fighting got bad again and he finally said he was leaving and didnt love me anymore. He said he still cared loads about me, but what we had didnt make him want to stay and live like this. We talked and I said we could change this, that and the other and looked for another chance to sort our relationship out. By changes I mean, getting rid of our dogs who were a tie and an upkeep. Moving into a smaller house (less maintenance), me getting a f/t decent paid job (which I had been trying to do for a month or so anyway). But he was adamant this time it was over for good and we had 'tried' to change things before but in reality all we done was 'said; we would try. Last time he left he continued paying bills, this time he stopped all payments, took every last thing out of the house and gave me the house key back!!!!

We talked for hours and hours and basically he said what we have is comforatble and secure but the spark has gone but that he did care a great deal about me and wanted to see me happy. He also said it was time he done what was right for him without worrying about someone else, he was apologetic and upset but he said that he just did not feel the same for me anymore. All the times in the past when this has happened we both say we will change this that and the other but it allways goes back to the same routine as we dont make the changes and it only lasts a week or three. I apologised for being depressed and said I would seek help for it if only we had another chance, he said he couldnt give me any promises as if he did he said I would just think '0h he is coming back, so why bother' sort of thing.

I phoned him everyday for the first week to try and sort things out, but all I got was its over for good, feelings have gone and we shouldnt contact each other for a while. He told me that he was planning to work abroad next year and that he just needed to do what he needed to do. We parted our ways on friendly terms and he said he would stay in touch as He wanted to know that I was OK and wanted to remian friends but not just yet.

Well I was left with our house, our dogs, our car, our everything and all the memories to go with it. And he moved in with a femal friends not 5 mins away from our house. Well I just couldnt put it all out of my mind, every where I looked I was reminded of 'us', I couldnt sleep, eat, function and my mind was in overdrive. I broke no contact on a couple of occasions which ended in us arguing, but slowly we started speaking on friendly terms again. Phonecalls between us are now pretty friendly with him telling me about his days and his plans and just general chit chat. The last argument we had was him telling me he couldnt give me anything until I helped myself. A lot of the times I am just a mess, but I have stopped asking for chances. He said he would phone me every few days, he gave me some money towards the bills and offered to pay for dog food on a regular basis as well as coming to take them out for walks. He said he didnt want me accompyning him on walks at first but that I could get the kettle on for when he came back. But he also assures me that were never going to be more than friends again and he just feels its time to move on. I wish I felt the same but I just feel like my world has fallen apart (and my mind too).

He was telling me about him going out for the night and I was asking did you meet any1 and digging for info and he said basically that was the last thing on his mind right now and if he ever did meet sum1 it would be sum1 who he thought he could make a go of things with. (that hurt)

So anyway at the moment, he says he dont love me anymore but cares for me a great deal and allways will, he cried and said he hated himself for hurting me as much as he is at the moment. He has gone from wanting total no conatct for a long while to helping with the bills, we have a had a few pleasant phone calls and he says he will come take dogs out now and again and have a cuppa n a crack when he got back BUT that its just as friends and he said that if I found that too hard too cope with then just say so. Since he left he has been drunk everynigh and out every w-end which he doesent usually do. He tells me all about it. I know its over now at this precise moment in time but I would like to think that if we did actually start having fun together again then everything would come flooding back. He tells me to move on with my life and take steps to make me happy and so does everyone else but I just cant get him out of my head and want him back so so so much. Its driving me insane, he knows Im sad when he speaks to me. He calls when I ask him too, and he is allways pleasant and happy and chats away. The only time things get uncormfatable is if I start talking about 'us' and getting back together. He doesent want to keep saying its not possible as he knows how much it hurts me to hear it, he also knows I want it with all my heart. He said he wishes he could just have happy conversations and see me once in a while.

Does he just want to be 'friends'? After 7 years? Or is he wanting to see if I will actually pull myself out of the depression for me and not for him? His best friend asked me one day 'have you ever thought he was doing all this to help you?' of course she didnt say whether he was or he wasnt but that it was just a possibility that he might be. Its also a possibility that he isnt though and he is actually wanting to move on. I dont know, maybe he is wanting the time apart properly to actually try and give it a go in a while when we have both been apart for a long while and then things really will feel like starting 'anew' especially if I do deal with my depression head on and make some major changes.

So confused???? What is your take on this situation?

I would like to be friends with him as I love his personality as well as his looks but I would allways want more than this.

[taylor3205]

I woke up last night at 5am after dreaming ov him. I soo much wanted to be with him. I sent him a text. I woke up this morning, got up let dogs out and have just taken another sleeper. I feel better when Im asleep. I just cant/dont want to function at all.

Everywhere I look Im reminded of the last 7 years and what we had. There is no one else out there I would want to be with and I feel as though my only chance of happiness has been taken away from me and I just dont want to go on. I dont want to go out, be around people or do anything. The only thing that nakes me happys is talking to him and being with him. I love him to bits, it will crush me when/if he finds someone else.

I have family and a few friends who I get support off, but theres only so much "you can do better", "plenty more fish in the sea", "no good sitting around moping", "you will feel better in time" you can stand. I know I could get someone else, what I dont know is if i will ever meet anybody I love so much again in my entire life!!!! And at this point in time I do not want to even consider either possibility. I dont work at the moment and am just spendin my days on the sofa with the curtains drawn, all day every day. People are trying to get me out but I just dont wanna go and when I do I am totally depressed and I mightve well stayed at home. On the other hand he is out partying, drinking and basically having a good time.

If I had the guts I would die to be honest.

[Hot Coco]

I would stop calling him. That will only make it worse. You're understandbly depressed right now. You'll feel better in time. I don't really know what to tell you. Everyone goes through this. You just have to ride it out. Try to get out of the house at least. Pamper yourself and distract yourself.

I hope it gets better soon.

[Outcast]

I dont know is if i will ever meet anybody I love so much again in my entire life!!!! And at this point in time I do not want to even consider either possibility.

Everybody feels that way. You don't get over the loss of a 7-year relationship in just a few weeks. It's going to take time.

I dont work at the moment and am just spendin my days on the sofa with the curtains drawn, all day every day. People are trying to get me out but I just dont wanna go and when I do I am totally depressed and I mightve well stayed at home.

Don't 'go out' to parties and bars but you do have to move and get outside. Go to a mall with a pal. Go for walks. If you lie in a ball, you'll be depressed for ages. Depression responds to both exercise and to daylight so at least going for a walk every day will do you a world of good. Do at least that for yourself. This will pass but it wll take time. As people say; the only way to get over grief is to go through it.

[seachange]

Hi, taylor. I just wanted to add something about this:

Originally Posted by taylor3205

His best friend asked me one day 'have you ever thought he was doing all this to help you?' of course she didnt say whether he was or he wasnt but that it was just a possibility that he might be. Its also a possibility that he isnt though and he is actually wanting to move on.

This probably isn't exactly what you want to hear, but I think that it's possible he's doing both. As in, he does think that separating would be good for both of you to find your own feet again, but he also wants to move on. I mean, he's lived with you for 7 years and has seen that things aren't going to change for you if the status quo remains. I'm sure he genuinely wants you to find your way out of this rut. But unfortunately that doesn't mean he's planning to come back, even if you do - that's why you have to do it specifically for yourself, and not for him.

I realize it's only been a few weeks, and it'll take much longer than that for you to get past this and get on with a new focus for your life. But it may be that he was on to something - you do sound as if you weren't happy, before. I think that you can be independently happy - you just need to reconnect with that part of yourself that isn't dependent on him for your sense of well-being. It's been seven years, probably, since you tapped into it - but it's there. And finding that should be your true project now - not trying to get him to come back.

[taylor3205]

Originally Posted by seachange

Hi, taylor. I just wanted to add something about this:

This probably isn't exactly what you want to hear, but I think that it's possible he's doing both. As in, he does think that separating would be good for both of you to find your own feet again, but he also wants to move on. I mean, he's lived with you for 7 years and has seen that things aren't going to change for you if the status quo remains. I'm sure he genuinely wants you to find your way out of this rut. But unfortunately that doesn't mean he's planning to come back, even if you do - that's why you have to do it specifically for yourself, and not for him.

I realize it's only been a few weeks, and it'll take much longer than that for you to get past this and get on with a new focus for your life. But it may be that he was on to something - you do sound as if you weren't happy, before. I think that you can be independently happy - you just need to reconnect with that part of yourself that isn't dependent on him for your sense of well-being. It's been seven years, probably, since you tapped into it - but it's there. And finding that should be your true project now - not trying to get him to come back.

First of all thnx for the replies all. What you write above is so true seachange. I think that is what drove us apart amongst other things as I was dependant on him for my sense of well being and happiness. I have such a low self esteem and was asking too much from him. He said he thought he was helping me but realised he was making me worse. He has just phoned in the middle of me typing this, same old scenario. Telling me what he has been up to and what he is doing, he was out again last night clubbing. He told me his plans for tonight. I said to him I had low self esteem and thats prob why he left me and he said his had improved since the split and he wanted mine too as well. He was telling me his days off this week and that he will be round for the dogs soon I asked when but he wouldnt say only promising that it will be soon. I said I missed him and he laughed (in a nice way) and said that we only spoke yesterday.

I really do need to concentrate on myself but I just feel like I have no life. He WAS my life. I have few friends, no job, no confidence and Im depressed. God life is so hard, and to think less than a month ago I was secure and living with him in a relationship not even seeing this coming. It isnt until we loose something that we realise just what we did have in the first place. Yes our relationship was not perfect, we had our arguments, our ups and downs but who doesent?

It really pisses me off to think I have lost this when there are people I know of who play the field constantly and generally treat there partners like dirt and yet they are still together. I know he thinks the grass is greener and atm he is having a good time with no commitments and no worries or responsibilitys what so ever. We were talking the other day and he said what we had was comfortable but the spark had gone. I said that this happens to all couples at some point or another regardless thats where the term 'honeymoon period' comes from, and he said I know but I am not 50. I had been saying to him we needed a break and a holiday away from it all for ages.

I wouldnt want him to move str8 back in now, but what I would like is the chance to spend some time every week or so with him. I guess I am just going to have to have to face the fact I have no control and somehow get on with things and try to be happier. He says spending time together will come in time but not just yet, he is in complete control. He says it will be just as friends though. I know if he were ever to come back it wouldnt be to someone who is depressed and weepy anyway. A part of me wishes I could just move on and forget him as I am sick of feeling this way, yet another part yearns for what we had and what we could have in the future.

He knows he could just walk back into my life tomorow if/when he found out the grass was not greener. I need to show him and myself that Im strong and gain some self respect, perhaps if he wasnt so sure I would take him back anymore then he would be the one wanting me back!!

[taylor3205]

Well I got up this afternoon. Felt totally dejected and depressed but finally decided I needed to go shopping and pay some bills. My mam took me into town, I paid some bills done a little shopping in the same shop we used to do all our shopping in. I felt like cracking up but I kept pushing all my emotions to the back of my mind. I was acting as though there was nothing wrong what so ever and trying to keep it all together, pushing all thoughts out of my mind and must admit I felt a little better for getting up and getting out. Then on the way home who did we drive past? And that was it!!!

Im starting to get pains in my chest now, I feel exhausted. Im emotionally drained. I wish it would all just end.

[taylor3205]

Well phoned him after seeing him. He said he wishes there was something he could do, the only thing he could do to help is to come back and he cant do that. I told him I couldnt carry on like this no more, I hope he gets what he wants out of life, he said likewise and said goodbye. He phones me up 5 minutes later asking if I was okay. I said no, asked if we could talk. He said he woul try re-arrange some plans and come over, he phoned me back saying he couldnt. But that he would definitely come over to take dog out and talk tomorow and if it was raining he would just come over to talk.