He's been thru a lot of things. His father died when he was eight and his mother use to beat him up when he was a child. She disowned him and so was the rest of his family so he was put in a "children's home" until he was 18. He's been living on his own since then. I don't know what to tell him whenever he goes back to what happened to him in the past. It's obvious that he's not over it (if i was him, i don't think i'd be able to get over it also)which i totally understand. What are the things i should say or do? How do i handle this relationship? how do i handle him? I want to make sure i do everything right. I want to make him happier.

He's been thru a lot of things. His father died when he was eight and his mother use to beat him up when he was a child. She disowned him and so was the rest of his family so he was put in a "children's home" until he was 18. He's been living on his own since then. I don't know what to tell him whenever he goes back to what happened to him in the past. It's obvious that he's not over it (if i was him, i don't think i'd be able to get over it also)which i totally understand. What are the things i should say or do? How do i handle this relationship? how do i handle him? I want to make sure i do everything right. I want to make him happier.

I also grew up in foster homes and it is a very painful

thing to go through.As time goes on it will get better for

him.You just need to be there and listen to what he is

really saying.You or anyone else will not be able to take

away his pain.Only time will make it better.That's the thing

with foster homes it is supposed to make it better for you

but all it seems to do is screw you up.And I speak from

experience on this.I was in quite a few before I was able

to go home with my father.You get attached to people then

there pulling you out and taking you somewhere else.And you

go through it all again.You find you don't know who to depend on.And you have no stability in your life.I find this

makes you a cold person.It is like why love somone.They are

only going to leave you in the end.I wish I could tell you

something better but all I can say is be supportive and

listen,it helps to talk about it.I find as I get older and

older,it doesn't hurt anymore.I think of it as something in

my past that doesn't matter anymore.I try to think as what

matters is today.That helps.Time heals all wounds.

[Totally Confused]

He's been thru a lot of things. His father died when he was eight and his mother use to beat him up when he was a child. She disowned him and so was the rest of his family so he was put in a "children's home" until he was 18. He's been living on his own since then. I don't know what to tell him whenever he goes back to what happened to him in the past. It's obvious that he's not over it (if i was him, i don't think i'd be able to get over it also)which i totally understand. What are the things i should say or do? How do i handle this relationship? how do i handle him? I want to make sure i do everything right. I want to make him happier.

why are you being co-dependent. you can't make him happier, only he can make himself happier. you are not his savior. only he can decide to help himself. what about you? what makes you happy, and don't say him being happy. you need to have him make you happy too. it's a two way street. i'm sorry his childhood was so screwed up, but that's no excuse if he doesn't treat you right. if he knows he had a screwed up childhood, and he knows he's screwed up, then he should get help. he's an adult now, no blame on anyone but himself at this point. we are all victms of victms. if a man beats his wife, because he had a horrible childhood, does that make it o:k. if the man uses his poor childhood as a reason for beating his wife, it shows he doesn't take responsibility for his actions. you sound like you make excuses for your BF. Good luck with your ups and downs, but I see this relationship leading to no-where-land until you stop making excuses for him too.

why are you being co-dependent. you can't make him happier, only he can make himself happier. you are not his savior. only he can decide to help himself. what about you? what makes you happy, and don't say him being happy. you need to have him make you happy too. it's a two way street. i'm sorry his childhood was so screwed up, but that's no excuse if he doesn't treat you right. if he knows he had a screwed up childhood, and he knows he's screwed up, then he should get help. he's an adult now, no blame on anyone but himself at this point. we are all victms of victms. if a man beats his wife, because he had a horrible childhood, does that make it o:k. if the man uses his poor childhood as a reason for beating his wife, it shows he doesn't take responsibility for his actions. you sound like you make excuses for your BF. Good luck with your ups and downs, but I see this relationship leading to no-where-land until you stop making excuses for him too.

mooresh--- Thank you for responding. I think you misunderstood what i wrote. I should've elaborated my letter more. MY bf is not screwed up. He's almost perfect. He's very nice and sweet. I just love him so much.Part of me feels sorry to what had happened to him. I forgot to include that we're having a long distance relationship which makes evrything extra hard. Our relationship is going well except for the long distance thing. So far so good. We love each other very much, we're already planning to get engaged this christmas. Anyway,,,, i guess you were right when you said i was his savior because in a way i feel like i am. Why did you come up with the conclusion that i was making excuses for him? (just curious) anyway, thnaks for the time.

I think that it's really great you are putting so much time and thought into supporting your boyfriend. As far as general info goes, here are some sites that I hope are helpful. Otherwise, it sounds like you are doing a good job, just be there for him and realize these things take time, and if he is just now dealing with it, it may be a little while until his wounds heal. In the meantime, take care of yourself.

-Odyne

(links)--

Something a surviver wrote to help prevent abuse (w/ links):

http://members.tripod.com/~LaSonadora/Children

Adult Survivers of Child Abuse Support Group:

http://www.ascasupport.org/

A good list of abuse resources:

http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/2642/resource.htm

Also you many want to look into past messages for help and advice from survivers and caretakers. Take care.

[Totally Confused]

mooresh--- Thank you for responding. I think you misunderstood what i wrote. I should've elaborated my letter more. MY bf is not screwed up. He's almost perfect. He's very nice and sweet. I just love him so much.Part of me feels sorry to what had happened to him. I forgot to include that we're having a long distance relationship which makes evrything extra hard. Our relationship is going well except for the long distance thing. So far so good. We love each other very much, we're already planning to get engaged this christmas. Anyway,,,, i guess you were right when you said i was his savior because in a way i feel like i am. Why did you come up with the conclusion that i was making excuses for him? (just curious) anyway, thnaks for the time.

when you were talking about how you should handle him, that's why I was confused. if he's had a problem with being a foster child and he's still wonderful, then i'm confused as to what the problem is. is it because he's having a hard time with dealing or is that you don't know how to deal with his not being able to cope with his past. the point is that everyone has problems from the past, whether it be child abuse, neglect, orphaned and even foster care. I can understand that he has had a rough childhood and if he's totally normal and together, then he's has gone above it already and is moving on. if it's because he's stuck in the past and can't let go, then the only thing you can really do is hear him out and try to get him to go to a therapist. you can't make him get over it, he has to want to get over it. you can be there for him, but i wouldn't take on an i'll be your savior attitude. in the end he's going to be too reliant on you. if you love him, let him be his own savior, so he can become stronger and not have to be dependant on one human being. just be his friend and be there for him to talk to. suggest stuff for him to cure himself, try not to be his band-aid, in the end it won't be fair to him.