Well, guys...the last time I posted I was in a state of panic because a face-to-face meeting between MM and myself was to take place shortly after my visit here. And it has spun out of control since then.
I'll try to keep this as short as possible, but so much has happened this past week, don't know where to begin.
We met up as planned on the day of my last post, and for the most part, our discussion started out good. We talked in great length about his suicide attempt (and yes, his wife confirmed that she did indeed come home to find him sitting in a chair by the computer with a bag tied tightly over his head...shortly after receiving a email from me that it was over between us). He said he realizes it was a "stupid" move on his side and not something he would ever do again. Said he saw no way out from his problems/pain at the time, said he hit rock bottom, and, with me gone, felt he had no real future to look forward to. Only more pain ahead of him.
We also discussed his marriage and what direction he and his wife could take to repair it. Again, he maintained that the marriage is beyond repair. Stated it has been bad for years, that there is far too much pain and anger between them that stems from things that happened between them years ago, well before I entered the picture.
And then...it happened. Against all the wise advice I received from thos of you who responded to me, we made love. Yeah, I know...BAD move on my side. And at the risk of sounding like a no-spine weakling, I DO love this man, very much so, but stuck to my NC guns up to this point.
We talked (for HOURS), laughed some...but cried more. Gotta tell you, it really messed with my head and I am to the point I don't know what the hell I'm doing, or how to feel. Every emotion known to man is running through me right now and I CAN'T think straight anymore.
A day or so later, I received a call from his wife. Yes, she and I talk...yeah, I know, bizarre. Just as this entire situation is. We agreed to meet up after work for dinner.
That meeting between she and I last for 6 hours...didn't get home until after midnight. We ate our dinner, then drove around while we talked. She poured her heart out to me. Said that she felt she repulsed her husband everytime she touched him because he "cringes" when she does. Said when she attempts to have sex with him, he rolls over with his back facing her. Said he won't talk to her much, and continues to tell her that he loves me, wants to be with me. She said she doesn't know what to do, that she wants to save her marriage because she loves him...and it became evident to me she does by the hurt in her tone and eyes. She said she doesn't understand why, if he loves me so much, he hasn't done anything towards making it possible, like filing for divorce or moving out. She said it is because he hasn't that gives her hope that her marriage will still work. I told her it was because I wanted the 2 of them to work out their marriage that I have backed off, have maintained NC with her husband. I told her that I would not get involved any further with him until they BOTH agreed the marriage couldn't be saved. She and I both agreed that his suicide attempt was very serious and something needed to be done. She said she was afraid to contact anybody for the same reason I am. He is the Supervising Paramedic in our local hospital, and word of his suicide attempt could ruin his reputation and position in this community (a very small one with wagging tongues). He is well known and liked in this community.
We ended our conversation with a long hug and tears. I really like this woman, she is a good person, and, under different circumstances, I have no doubt we would have been good friends.
The fact that I genuinely like this woman, AND am in love with her husband has left me in a state of complete and utter pain and confusion. God, I don't know what to do.
A day or so after my meeting with her, she called and said she was ready to let him go, that he was in love with me and there was nothing she could do to bring him back to her. She stated that she expects him to help her out financially with the house and bills, but she couldn't continue with this roller coaster ride. Shortly after this, he called me and told me he wanted to spend a day hiking with me...which we did. He then told me he informed her that he planned to spend the day with me, and if he was invited to stay the night, he would. I didn't care for this as it was already planned that he would stay overnight, and I didn't appreciate that he put it in a light that landed on MY shoulders. I felt he twisted the truth on this.
During this time together, I told him that I was torn up about this entire situation...that I couldn't continue hurting his wife because she is a good woman whom I found likeable, and that he needed to make a decision one way or another because she and I could NOT bear the pain anymore. I told him we (his wife and I), felt as though we were in limbo and it wasn't fair to either of us. I told him that I needed to know what his intentions are so I could get on with my life, start dating other men...look to the future, as did his wife.
So, he promptly went home and told his wife that "I had demanded a commitment from him and he has given me one." So, he has now torn her heart to pieces and I am angry he once again twisted what I said. I did NOT demand a commitment from him...I merely told him to reach a decision one way or another in all fairness to his wife and I.
So now, because he has turned her away and "picked" me, I feel an anormous amount of guilt and obligation. His wife tried to call me yesterday, but I didn't pick up the phone.
I feel trapped in a state of utter confusement at this point. Everything just seems so srewed up and twisted, and honest to God people, I don't know what to do.
I don't feel good about myself at all right now.
I don't know how in the hell I got into this, because as my first post on this forum stated....I KNEW BETTER!!!!!!!
Torn,
I don't have any help to offer. I just wanted to welcome you back. I've been following your posts.
It sounds like you are being honest with your self, but heck, what a mess
I hope you can find some helpful thoughts here again.
-A
Glad you're back. I too was following your situation and was worried about you. I don't really know what to say either.
Do you really want him? He sounds spineless. But maybe he's just confused and wracked with guilt.
Ask yourself though, what do YOU want? Do you want him?
If I really wanted him, I'd do NC until he's divorced and has made the decision for REAL that he's choosing you. Because right now, he's still asking you to be the OW. And I didn't get the impression that that's what you wanted.
I think the hardest thing is the interraction with the W. Now she's become a real person, another human being, and all the guilt starts pouring in. You see HER pain as well as yours and the MMs.
That makes it hard.
Time to pick yourself up after this stumble and try again to make some real progress. What you did was not progress. You know why? Because you opened yourself up to him, and was vulnerable to him, made love to him and supported him and he paid you back by going home and lying about you to make you look like the bad guy who is responsible for tearing apart his marriage. HE DUMPED THE BLAME DIRECTLY ON YOU.
With one lie, everything between you and his wife was discounted and he turned you from a concerned woman who was genuinely trying to make peace with the W into a lying, backstabbing, homewrecking woman who leveled an ultimatum in an attempt to underhandedly speed up the divorce process. HE MADE YOU OUT TO BE THIS. Is this the type of man you want to spend the rest of your life with? He couldn't take responsibility for his wanting to leave, so he LIED to his W to make it look like your fault that he has to leave.
If you still want this man in your life though...
Give him a simple plan: when he is divorced, the papers are signed and he has his own place he is more than welcome in your life - until then, there is to be no contact in any way, shape or form. If you get a suicide attempt as a result, call 911 and report it. This man needs some serious help and enabling him to continue it with 'embarrasment' as an excuse is not helping him - not to mention its not helping the patients and employees he deals with on a daily basis (it is bound to be affecting all aspects of his life).
After he is divorced, and in his own place, he needs to be in some serious individual counseling and there will be no living together for at least a year. He is a passive aggressive liar and will need to address those issues before he can move forward with you.
These things should be dealbreakers. Solid ones.
No divorce = no contact
No residence of his own = no contact
No individual counseling = no contact
There is no reason, WHATSOEVER to make yourself responsible for this man's problems in his life. Let him know that you want to be with him, not his problems and unless he takes responsibility for them and takes steps to fix them he is not welcome in your life.
__________________ No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft
For what it's worth, I couldn't agree more with LB.
I would never want a man who tried to make me look bad like he did with you. He has no integrity. And forget about loyalty! This guy IS a loser, Torn. You seem like a sweet person who really could do better.
Don't you want a man who would move the mountains to be with you? He doesn't sound like that man. He's so wishy washy.
But you'll figure out what's best for you, I'm sure.
I'm completely blown away right now...He doesn't deserve either of you. What he needs is a shink actually, and that's not a joke. If you want to help him, that is how to do it as well as staying away from him until he's divorced.
I feel for you and his wife...Not for him at all. He's lying and being cruel, setting you up for the fall and his wife who is a wonderful person is being pulled into his ***** games.
Take this time to figure out if you truely DO want this man. He doesn't seem to be trustworthy let alone a person who does the right thing when the chips are down. He won't admit his mistakes, doesn't own up to them nor shows any sorrow or regret. He's selfish too!
He is the Supervising Paramedic in our local hospital, and word of his suicide attempt could ruin his reputation and position in this community
As someone with a medical background, surely he has some knowledge regarding the symptoms of clinical depression? Has anyone suggested yet that he seek professional help (???)
Quote:
There is no reason, WHATSOEVER to make yourself responsible for this man's problems in his life.
I agree with LB (as usual). What ails this man is not his marriage however he may externalize it. While the stimuli you provide him might be a temporary reprieve from that dark place, you are not the "cure". Unless his underlying problems are addressed he'll slip backwards and crash again. Like his wife, you'll soon find yourself scrambling to compensate for his depression and mood swings, flogging yourself unmercifully because you're unable to keep him happy. It's very, very difficult sustaining relationships with people who are ill … no matter how much you love and care for them.
He needs to see a doctor, and sort himself out, before he hazards an attempt at another relationship.
__________________
"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.” ~ Mark Twain
Choices, Coco, LB, Which, Enigma....thank you ALL for your concern and advice regarding my situation. Can't tell you how much I appreciate your support during this horrible time in my life.
Again, a lot has happened since my last post (there never seems to be a dull moment, it's a day-to-day drama of which I am wholeheartedly sick of) that I will explain in another thread.
I feel as though somebody has ripped my heart out of my chest, but more so, a complete fool for allowing it.
How is it that a woman, who, for the most part is responsible, sensible, practable, and practices good judgement in all areas of her life suddenly loose those very same qualities when approached by a charming, promising liar like that of my ex-MM? How does that happen? But more importantly...WHY did it happen?
And I think that is what bothers me the most about this entire situation. WHY did I allow it to happen? This is something I badly need to analyze because I do NOT want to EVER repeat this mistake again.
Don't blame yourself. It sounds like in your situation you were really led to believe that it was over. I guess the lesson in this may be to never get involved with ANYONE who isn't ACTUALLY divorced...not separted, not GOING to be divorced but actually REALLY divorced and single.
Don't beat yourself up for it. Your biggest crime was believing him. That's natural. We can't go around disbelieving everything everyone says all the time. Hey, maybe we SHOULD! No, just kidding. You'll be ok. You made an honest mistake. One that you're paying for dearly now but the pain will go away in time. I think blaming yourself over and over again will stand in the way of your healing. So STOP IT! (I'm so bossy, aren't I)
Be well Torn...the day will come soon when you won't be "torn" anymore.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
What ails this man is not his marriage however he may externalize it. While the stimuli you provide him might be a temporary reprieve from that dark place, you are not the "cure". Unless his underlying problems are addressed he'll slip backwards and crash again. Like his wife, you'll soon find yourself scrambling to compensate for his depression and mood swings, flogging yourself unmercifully because you're unable to keep him happy. It's very, very difficult sustaining relationships with people who are ill … no matter how much you love and care for them.
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