Hi
I've been reading these boards, particularly this coping section, since last evening when I found you all. Let me first start by saying that I've learned a lot, and I thank each and every one of you for sharing your experiences/thoughts and feelings. I'm feeling like I've got hope again that things can be normal in my life again after reading your experiences. Hope is something I readily have, normally, but this relationship has sucked all of that from me and I wasn't sure there was any further capacity for me to have hope.
I'm feeling very awkward about discussing this because I've viewed it as a very strange situation. I need your help sorting it out. I genuinely love this man, and I know he loves me. My story is going to sound really f'd up, to say the least, but I beg you to not be too judgemental of me. Not that I'd care so much that you'd judge me, but what I need is real workable solutions.
My best friend moved away this year, and talking to her wouldn't work anyway because I already know she wouldn't understand or have the capacity to believe I'm capable of being involved in such a situation. There is no one else to turn to.
Here's my story:
I'm 36 and this all began in high school some 23 or so years ago.
I met Rod in our freshman year together. He was on and off then, flighty and inclined to smoke a lot of pot and hang out with his friends. This went throughout high school, him wanting his 'freedom' and inexplicably ceasing to call or care. Looking back, I definitely didn't lay down the law then and that's he learned he could treat me and get away with it. Oh sure, when I confronted him, he would always say something like he had guilt about it, or rather, that I made him feel guilty, but the pattern continued. All things being equal, I'd have called him 'antisocial' in high school because of his general thwarting of rules/regulations... like smoking pot right in the school parking lot right before school, etc. When we had our times together, they were perfect.. discussing the future and having children together.
Me being me, I never did try to be too popular in high school and was rather happy it was over with so I could continue my life on my own terms.
But it continued, I allowed it to continue because this man made me think different thoughts and seemed to expand my rather narrow view that I can have of things sometimes. He's, of course, very intelligent, witty and either is sensitive or feigns sensitivity rather well... I haven't quite figured that part out yet and maybe never will.
While I was in college, we got back together again and things seemed great for a couple of weeks. Very romantic moments where he seemed to open up to me and we enjoyed a level of intimacy that seemed natural and normal... except when we tried to make love, he became sexually impotent. I didn't have a lot of sexual experience, but I was understanding. At the time, he didn't try to satisfy me either, but I suspect now that it didn't occur to him to even try. One evening, I went to a supermarket to find he was with another girl. She was relatively 'hot' looking in a skirt and hanging all over him. She was even wearing his ring. I was cordial and spoke with them both, checked out and drove to my apartment where I proceeded to drink two bottles of my favorite wine I'd been saving for us. I mourned, I grieved, I chose to try to forget about him.
I found a really great guy about 6 months later and we married. We're still married, and while I love him and I know he loves me, the same spark I had with Rod has never been there.
While I'm sure you could attach the next thing I'm going to say as being part of my own personality disorder of some type, I'll risk it because it's relavent...
At the end of last October, I felt an overwhelming need to contact Rod. It washed over me as if he'd called for me and needed me. I 'Googled' him and found that he had his own business now. I was really proud of him that he'd come so far, and apparently, seemed to have himself together now. So I rang him after nearly 13 years. We chit-chatted about life and some of the things that have happened to us both. He asked me if I was happy and I told him that I was 'mostly' happy. He told me that his marriage was basically over... (he had married the girl from the supermarket, btw) and while they were now still living together, they were separated.
We e-mailed each other a few times and about 3 weeks later, I boarded a plane to California to spend some time with him right before Thanksgiving. We actually had sex for the first time... with the exception that he still had some impotence problems and never did have an orgasm, but he did follow through to pleasure me... which was extraordinary considering he'd never thought to be that considerate before. As a matter of fact, to start off each lovemaking session, he started with oral sex. I mention this because it seems to matter.. read on, please.
At the time, we'd had some pretty heavy conversations. The 'what ifs'... what if he'd married me instead of marrying Supermarket Girl, etc. He now has a child, a boy, with this woman. He made it clear that his #1 priority is his boy, which I was okay with and as I think it should be... but he's now used that to seemingly 'hide' behind.
We continued our e-mailing, and of course, I love him so I'd e-mail him daily and call him every few days. He doesn't feel a need to respond to all e-mails, and frankly, when I say things that don't require a real response, I do so because I know he won't respond. So why bother asking questions like "How are you, how was your day"... when I know he won't respond. Instead, I'd taken to writing 'Hope you're having a good day/week". He cited that he is the only person in his one-man business and is also caring for his boy since his mother seems to be a meth freak dating some guy who's (not to be mean) got severe brain damage after a car accident of some sort.
Did I mention this was a mess? Because it is a mess. I know it's a mess, but it's not MY mess! My life is stable and far from this chaotic! It's only after letting this man back into my life that the chaos has begun.... but I digress...
We go through the holidays and Christmas. I sent him a CD and a toy/book for his son. I didn't expect anything from him, but I also didn't get anything either. Again, not surprising and he cited that he was working 'extra hard' to make this Christmas as special for his boy as possible since at this age (5 years old), Christmas is at it's most magical. I agreed... how could I fault a father for pouring all his time and energy into a (still) relatively new business and yet take care of the needs of his son?
Answer: I couldn't fault him.
So we went through all the holidays, no word from him... until days after. What I had noticed is that he would never write or call on the weekends, and instead, would send e-mail or call during the business week... as if I were a client or a chore to be done/handled. That's probably coloring things, but it's the pattern I've seen and have lived.
Right. Now my 'bad' things. So I found him by Googling him, and he's well known in his circles enough to find quite a bit online about him. Being really perplexed as to whether any of this was 'real' or not and trying to gather my sanity, I started doing more searching. I found a message board that he frequents and I started reading and learning more about him, his business/field. It's technical and I also found myself in a technical field, so I could understand and relate quite a bit. I thought a healthy understanding in what he loves to do for a living might help me relate better and possibly understand some of the pressures he's under. So while I lurked on these boards, I wound up joining and participating. They have a board that was primarily for 'flaming' each other.. sort of sarcastic jibes and witty humor.... not to be taken seriously. It is, in fact, one of the rules of the board that nothing there is 'real'. So he figures out I'm there and seems pleased about it. Of course, he'd talk about celebrities/models, etc.... and none of it is to be taken seriously. He's a writer of sorts and he called his posts 'performance art'. I call it attention seeking, but okay. Here's the mindf***: he'd say things like "You're way hotter than <insert model's name here>." That's nice, and I'm not ugly, but I also know I'm not a supermodel, if ya' know what I'm saying here?
So, he'd call me every few days, I'd call him. We'd e-mail, he'd talk of his business and *rarely*, he'd ask me how *I* was or how *my* career was, how my day was, etc. My birthday rolled around and he was mailed me several times to wish me a happy birthday. I was amazed, frankly. He'd never remembered to be so considerate all the time I've known him. He had a convention in Las Vegas thereafter and invited me to go. One one of the message boards, he wrote of him taking his 'lady friend' and that she would basically be like a 'blow up doll' in his room. I told myself: This is not to be taken seriously. This is "performance art". Of course, when I mentioned it casually, he said the same...
So we go to Las Vegas for two nights. He spent his days at the convention and his nights with me. He also got sick with some kind of flu. He gets stressed and notably anxious when under stress. He's said in the past that he's had panic attacks and had one round of depression a couple of years ago after he found his wife/supermarket girl was having an affair... and after she'd accused him of having an affair with a co-worker. This co-worker was, indeed, close to him... she was/is in the same field of work and told him that she had a personality disorder. He found she stabbed him in the back and he could no longer trust her. Everything happening at once, he apparently broke down and had severe depression. He also told me that many of the events of our high school days, he cannot remember at all. I believe him, but I don't know whether to credit that to a personality disorder or the fact that he spent most of the time drunk or drugged.
Las Vegas: Was romantic and intimate. Never before had we had this type of opportunity to be together and spend time and enjoy each other. The first night was wonderful. The second night, we had a conversation that was hours long. He warned me/told me that he wasn't sure he could be the type of boyfriend I needed/wanted. He told me that he does the things he does because... it's just what he does. He also told me he has no plan in line for how he plans to handle the actual divorce and custody of his son, etc. All reasonable that he has his doubts and plans seem elusive, or so I thought. I reasoned that it was better to have him in my life in some capacity than not at all.
My Goddess, was I wrong.
After the Las Vegas thing, he wrote on the boards and he was actually fairly respectful of his 'lady friend/blow up doll'. So I felt touched that he was careful in his 'performance art' to be sensitive to my feelings. I became fond of the people on those boards. Many are brilliant and talented. He, of course, is something of a celebrity amongst these people and seemingly can do no wrong. Here's what triggered things for the worse...
It was his birthday a few months later. I'd bought him an iPod because I'd never been with him long enough to celebrate anything of any import and I really wanted him to have something special and nice that he could use. For your information also, I've never brought this up as an issue to him. I didn't give it to him to hold it over his head or to buy his love or loyalty. Trust me when I say that I gave it a great deal of thought before I gave him such a nice gift. I reasoned that he said things like "I belong to you and I love you", and he did pay for our Las Vegas trip (sans my air fare). It was the morning after his birthday when I read a drunken message by him to the 'performance art' boards....
He graphically highlighted his evening with his neighbors. He'd been drinking and was offered to have sex with his neighbor's wife. He cited the cute tatoo to her lower back and that while gave her oral sex and stated how good she tasted, much to 'his credit' he 'could not do her'.
I was devastated. Really devastated. Surely our relationship was by all stretches odd and essentially non-committal... but had he no decency? Apparently, he did not have any.
He called me that morning. I assumed he knew I'd read, but he stated he didn't know he'd even posted anything about the event. He went on about how we're in a non-committed relationship and that he does the things he does and he feels no need to apologize for anything.
So being the flaming type of boards they were, people would bring up 'the neighbor' to Rod jokingly. Needless to say, to me it was no joke. I posted to the boards as such and somewhat outed our friendship/non-committal relationship. Rod posted to the boards that he'd been insensitive to me and asked that people not joke about his indiscretion.
You can guess what happened from there on the boards. Many people who've known him for several years called me a 'stalker bitch' and were angry that I'd tried to exercise any right to protect my feelings on a board that's supposed to be all about flaming and 'performance art'.
I took an absence from the boards and still tried to maintain some type of relationship with Rod. Of course, he spun it that I was judgemental and that he required his freedom.
I tried to explain in e-mail since he wouldn't talk to me and instead, he spun everything I said to be judgemental and while I said 'people I know don't understand why I love you'.... he said << However, it's extremely
odd to me that you give me this "despite all of your hideous qualities,
I still love you" attitude and expect me to be grateful toward your
generosity.
I am your friend and will likely always be. I am still angry with you,
and just when I thought I was getting to a point of being able to talk
to you a little, this came in and basically reinforced every negative
emotion I'd been feeling as of late. I'd still prefer not speaking to
you in this regard, specifically because I do indeed care about you and
don't feel like deluging my anger in your direction. >>
At this point, I guess I was stalking him. I felt overwhelmingly hurt and needed answers somehow. He'd spoken of working for a company who had activity on Usenet years before. He'd also spoken of utilizing some Usenet group when he had his bout with depression. So I searched.. and I didn't have to search hard or long. I read a ton of technical posts. God, he can be so funny/witty. I ran across a post where he'd accidentally posted using a different login. Not being extremely familiar with the whole Usenet thing, I searched using that login and found a fairly recent post. I must also say that he's never used pseudonyms or screennames, his logins for various things are always very descriptive of who he is, with his name and all. So I'm thinking: Nothing can be that private if it's so easily searchable, yes?
I ordered the search by date and found a fairly recent post... from January of this year. He wrote that his year had been strange, was stalked by an old girlfriend, had sex with her and now she 'calls every damned day'. The tone was regretful and like he was a victim and like I'd been stalking him.
Well, I hadn't been stalking him up until this point that I was looking for answers...
So, between this January post and the 'neighbor' event within a month, I called him and I was unglued, to say the least. He then became angry that I'd done any kind of search and didn't believe me when I told him that I'd stopped reading any other posts after I'd read that one from January which ripped my heart out. He didn't believe me, of course. He then turned everything so it was my fault and I've been the one languishing ever since.
There was a while with NC, but I caved in and would mail him and he'd mail back... and it was all just crap and nothing substantial. A few times he'd say "We really need to talk, I'll call you tonight". And of course, he didn't.
It's now been 2.5 months with this type of ridiculous non-communication. He'd invited me to another convention in New York that he just attended, alone... without ever saying another word about me going even though it was discussed I would go. I didn't expect to go after the turmoil, but you'd think we'd have discussed *something*. I didn't realize it (because I hadn't checked on the dates), but I mailed him right before he left for this trip and he wrote back... blah blah blah "Wish me luck". So of course, I wrote him back wishing him luck. Could I be more stupid???
He's in a field where communication is priority #1, and everyone thinks he's wonderful and I think, they basically can't understand why there would be any problem. Certainly, it must be me... and I'm a dependant stalker and crazy/psychotic, etc.
To hightlight his 'sensitivity' to people, he's posted things like he's "listening to Blue by Joni Mitchell, perhaps the best record ever made."
I've since had my accounts banned/deleted/IPs blocked at the boards he frequents and I have only visited one board twice because I miss the people I've befriended. No, I didn't look for his posts, as a matter of fact, it's rare to come across a post on that board from him now and I haven't searched for his specific posts. But I'm weak, you know? I love him and I wanted closure (which I know now is complete myth) so that I could grieve again and be done or know something as to whether he cares or is regretful, etc. I never had children with my husband because in my mind, my children were supposed to be with this man. I'm so screwed up right now, I need some insight so I can survive this because it's drowning me.
I've e-mailed him like once a week, one of the last e-mail responses of significance...
He denied that he feels I'm a bad person or someone who's psychotic or obsessive and states that he couldn't 'articulate' the problematic areas and cannot devote mind share toward other elements in his life since his priority remains with his son and means of supporting him... while he was prepping for his latest convention and his son's first year in first grade. In the past he's also accused me of 'caring too much'. He also knows that it causes me agony when he doesn't respond, to which he's said flat out that he doesn't care if it disrupts my sleep or causes me distress. Afterall, that's MY problem, right?
Yet, knowing him, he's still going to his weekly band practice and having gigs on the weekends.... and visiting with his friends, etc. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, one of his best friends is a bi-sexual (lesbian prefernce primarily) stripper (nttawwt) with a daughter. They live at various boyfriend's houses... but she's been split with her husband for three years but still hasn't divorced. I think he has issues with her as well... he'd like to have sex with her, but doesn't want to ruin the 'friendship' they share.
Me: I have a home and a loving husband, a stable career and profession. Relatively 'boring' (if you want to look at it that way since I don't allow chaos), but otherwise happy life and healthy lifestyle.
I'm now thinking he's got issues... perhaps an antisocial type of personality disorder with some narcissistic qualities???... but now *I* feel like a freak. I'm a strong strong person who's never let anyone but THIS MAN get to me... and even while I'm in a relationship with a man who does love me, I couldn't keep these feelings for him out if there was a way to be totally happy with him.
Now after reading these boards, I have a better understanding of just how totally wrong I've been.
I'm a cheater now that I let him back in. Perhaps in my mind, I've always been a cheater then. I've beat myself up over all of this and I've cried oceans. I still may need to seek some counseling since I find myself crying at very inappropriate times. My husband has a job where he's not home for weeks at a time so at least I don't have to explain my depression to him or take it out on him.
Well, that's certainly not all of it, but it's the highlights. I again beg you not to be critical of my morals/values, but I need your help to get through this relationship, give me perspective and some sort of path.
I need your thoughts on what kind of person I'm dealing with here. I need someone to help me sort this emotional mess out and simplify things and boil it down to help me find core elements so I can handle it once and for all. Is he merely self-absorbed and lacking empathy now because of his hurt and impending divorce (and in the past because of drugs and social pressure) or does he have a serious personality disorder that I need to run away from???
I'd be happy to fill in the blanks if anyone asks me questions... certainly this post isn't 'all' of everything and while I've made my mistakes and caused turmoil between us, it's difficult for me to grasp that he's acted like a lightswitch now switched to the 'off' position... again. So cold he's been and so hollow I feel.
I really regret not seeking help and finding you sooner before the mess has gotten to this point.
Thanks in advance.
~d
That is the longest post I have ever seen!
Wow
Oh man....
Linear Mode
