I watched Dr. Phil a while back about dealing with troubled relationship. He asked the couple on the show at the tiime..."Is it more important to prove yourself right or to solve the problem"? In other words most people are caught in a power struggle to prove themselves right or prove that they are the Victim, as is the case with a narcissist. My goal with my ex was to communicate and negotiate a better relationship. I apologized more than I need to even. Her goal was to blame everything on me and proclaim herself as the innocent Victim. It takes two and you have to be on the same page to keep a relationship going. If the person you are dating is self-absorbed and can never ever be wrong, it's time to get out. Of course that part is not so hard as getting over it after that's been said and done.
Yes they are masters at that. I learned that towards the end of my relationship that non-defensive communication was best. I ignored her guilt trips and blame she tried to cast on me. It's hard to to, but if you give in and defend yourself like you want to do, then they realize they have control over you. It's all about power to them. Basically they (narcissists) are like children. Any attention, positive or negative, is what they want. Give them no attention and they go nuts or leave you alone. Similar to a child crying.
I saw the Dr Phil you are talking about this afternoon (it must be on earlier here). It is definately something to watch. I just ended a relationship like you are describing JohnJohn. It was NEVER his fault. I made the mistake once of telling him something was his fault and he screamed at me nonstop for about 30 minutes. He had a way of making me doubt my sanity. Until I watched the show today I was actually wondering if my breaking up with him because he was on dating and adult sites was stupid. He had be almost convinced I was overreacting. The show is a definate must see for both those who let themselves me treated badly and those who treat others badly. "you have to take care of yourself" : )
Thanks for your posts. It feels so good to know others are going through the same thing and moving on from it.
I am excited to watch it! OMG I cannot tell you how many times I heard I was over reacting! Or "we are fine and have no problems" when we truly did!!! 20 minutes til show time!
I was unable to catch the show today unfortunately. If you taped it let me know. I'll pay top $ for a copy. ha ha.
Yes, ttgu, I understand where you are coming from. My ex was like that too. Also not only are they master at blame-casting, but have you noticed they are very good at using language - meaning that they are very "cerebral". However, I noticed often times that my ex would contradict herself in almost the same sentence. Not only that but they lie about things that make no sense, like where it would be simple to tell the truth. I got an explanation from her once that every time we brought it up I got a different excuse. Four different stories in all for one simple explanation. It kept changing each time. Amazing how their minds work, isn't it?
ok I just watched it and I am a little confused and need to be slapped in the face by you all......all these women were verrbally or physically abused. I was never. He never yelled or called me names or hit me or ever even raised his voice to me-ever! So then I am scared I am over reacting! Am I? I guess the fact that he ignores me is the abuse part and the fact that he does not show he cares is abuse? Is that right? Neglect is as bad as hitting me
? I also assume that being a Narcssist, that is part of his charm....to be sweet and not be abusive in his own mind, but really he is being emotionally abusive. Am I over reacting?
Beth,
You are absolutely correct. A common misconception of abuse is that it takes the form of physical or verbal. Emotional abuse like you experienced can actually be much worse and take longer to heal. I went through the same thing with my ex. I would have almost rather she called me names than do the emotional withdrawal because at least I could put my finger on it. The emotional abusers are more "stealth" and it causes more uncertainty and pain over long periods of time. It also shows it is more calculated and premeditated than verbal or physical. You are not crazy. I thought the same. A good book to read is "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward, Ph.D.
JOhn JOhn.....have you spoken to the ex? Are you doing better with time?
No I haven't. It has been almost two months now. I fight the urge to contact her almost everday but fortunately I don't. I am doing better with time, but sometimes I take a step backward every now and then. However, I think I am taking more steps forward. It just takes time. How about you?
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