[norman rocks well]

Okay so, she's not Pushing and pushing..

But i'm finding i'm having to VETO a lot of the
things that MOM is suggesting..and i'm feeling bad
about it.

I feel bad because i'm her only son. But she's
asking for things like "super cheesy" songs for us
to play, a Dollar Dance (where men at the wedding
pin dollars on the bride for a dance...she's pushing this
one, because it's been tradition) and stuff like that.

Me and my girl are very minimalist. We're not "showy".
So we want a cute little ceremony with a dinner afterwards
with cute music we both like and some dancing to some
cute jazz songs...Were not looking to PARTY and get crazy
and have a lot of cheesy rehearsed things....or things that make
us uncomfortable...

So I guess i'm just looking to get some perspective, insight
mutual stories, etc...

[bab]

I'm right there with you. My mom wants everything big. We wanted to do a small on the beach thing with a reception at the rental house. Mom didn't like it. We finally caved and are having a reception in town. When I told Mom the location, and that we were inviting around 100 (even though there were 180 on the "wish list"), she was thrilled, for a minute anyway. Then she was like, you'll just HAVE to invite everyone. Ughhhh.....

I feel the same way about the guilt. My mom has made some less than desirable choices in her life, and she doesn't seem all that happy. She loves this kinda thing, and I'm the youngest, so this could be the last chance she's got. Grrrr....Frustration....

The thing I'm trying to remember is that it's my wedding, and I am NOT responsible for my mother's happiness. I also know that once we are there, she will be having a blast, even if I didn't invite my mother's cousin's children.

If she's local (my mom's not so this doesn't work for me) give her a task that she can take complete control of. Have her pick out the cake, or maybe she can go with your fiance to pick out a veil to match her dress. Maybe let her pick the song that the two of you dance to. The trick is to make her feel like she is involved and being heard, and in all honesty, she should be to some extent. Good luck! Keep us updated.

[norman rocks well]

wow, our mom's seem similar Bab...

And my mom is in another state too,
so i don't see her that much...so maybe
that's why she feels the want and need to be
involved. I mean, i agree, i'm into family(esp. moms)
being involved, it's just that she has such BAD
ideas sometimes, i cringe. i feel like sometimes
she really doesn't know me very well, nor does she know
my style or taste or likes, etc. She kinda knows, but she's
been out of touch kinda, since i moved out of the house
5 years ago.

I offered for her to pick some songs that were
sentimental to her, to be included in the music, etc.
And she picked some REALLY bad ones, ones that
i'd never listen to in my life, nor can I stand. But i
feel bad not playing them for her.

my mom has made some less than desirable choices
in her life as well, so she loves the thought of being
involved.

My girl is a little worried about it. She wants also to
please her mother-in-law, but doesn't want her wedding
and "our" day to suffer, just to keep my mom happy.
My Girl's mom and dad could care less about what the
wedding will be like, they just want us to be happy.
Same with my dad. But my mom is different.

thanks for the insight and for sharing...I was curious
if anyone else is going thru this kinda thing...

[xXSURFAGEXx]

Well I had no problem with my wedding.My mom just was happy about it and I planned it myself,I did have a big party because my wife wanted to.I invited her friends and my friends.Get this a friend of mine and my wife's got married on our marrige day!It was a great marrige party.

[bunnzy]

my mum is really crafty (as in arty and cunning)
she always finds ways to be the victim and make others feel sorry for her. That said, she is very organised. She will be in charge of my wedding invitations, the bridesmaid dresses fittings, catering and the decorations. Everything else i will handle. She knows what i like, and what i dont. and i will put my foot down on peach coloured dresses and minestrone soup, both gross for weddings.

[bab]

Norman-- So the songs suck. Maybe you could play her 2 favorites (except I agree with the veto of the money dance, yuk!!) and ditch the rest? Even if the songs are terrible, it will be a couple of minutes that you will always remember. From what some of my friends have told me, your day goes by so fast that you forget to even take notice of all the details you've been working so hard on, having an awkward few minutes might be worth it to slow the day down!!

It's HARD to find something that long distance Mom's can be involved in. I would love to let my mom pick the catering. She would love it and I don't much care. But...hard to do from half way across the country. Songs are a good idea, except we are having our swing dance instructor DJ the event, so all the music will be swing music. My FMIL is making my veil, so that will be a special way to have her invovled.

It is soo frustrating to try and please everyone. Impossible too.

[gilbert]

As the mother of a recent Bride, my daughter married last year. It was very hard keeping my mouth shut for some things. (I'm not so good at that). But in the end she had the wedding that THEY wanted. After all, it was their wedding, not mine.

But as a mother, you want to help your children. I think you should be honest with her and tell her in a nice way just how you both feel. It should come from you though. She may get her feelings hurt a little but in the end you have to live with your new wife and make HER happy, not your mother.

I knew of a family where the mother-in-law caused alot of problems wanting things her way at her son's wedding (the son would not tell his mother that it was their wedding and not her's) and the other family ended up not liking the mother-in-law and talked about her badly to everyone. Now that's not right, and the son has now stopped talking to his mother at all. So sad.

Just remember what you do now will effect the rest of your life. It's very hard when a man has to play both ends trying to please his wife and then his mother. Just remember that your wife will have to come first no matter what your mother things. BE GENTLE, but tell her the truth and you will have a happy wife and wedding.

[bab]

I think gilbert has some good points. It's also nice to hear that Mom's can actually understand if they don't get everything. I'm curious if anyone has any ideas for how my (or Norman's) mom involved from a distance. Again, having her give advice like, everyone HAS to be invited isn't working. So, I thought giving her certain tasks would be good. Unfortunately, what tasks??? Ideas??? She lives in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere, so there aren't many stores. She also doesn't have internet access, not that she would know how to use it if she did. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.