[Ghent]

Hello,

My wife and I are currently seperated for 1.5 months. I have been moved out for about 45 days, and until last Friday, we hadn't spoken in about 20 days. I am 28 and she is 26, and we have been together for 4 years and 10 months, married for just over 2 years. She is (to my knowledge) actively seeking a divorce. I am not certain of the progress of the divorce, but she has told me that she has spoken to lawyers. We have not been speaking much lately, but when we do speak, all she wants to talk about are the logistics of getting a divorce ("Do we want lawyers?", "Do you need to come by and get some stuff?")

To make a long, long story short, my wife left me because I neglected her heavily. Our communication was very poor and I was not an attentive husband. I would frequently spend all my time playing video games (I'm a computer geek) and working, while she was a stay at home wife and full time student. I would ask sometimes if I spent enough time with her and she would always placate me. I realize now I should've read between the lines and understood that if I had to ask, then I wasn't.

The week before the seperation, we started fighting pretty heavily. Then that fateful weekend, we got into a massive argument in front of other people, and we both flew off the deep end, me moreso than her. I humiliated and embarrassed her in front of friends and neighbors, and completely disrespected her. It was all the anger and pent up frustrations from the week of arguing.

That night, she never came home. The next day, she came home, packed a bag and said we needed to seperate and probably divorce. I have been torn apart since. She tells me now that she's always been unhappy because I didn't spend enough time with her, and that we can't be together because she can't trust me to change and that I have issues that can't be solved when we're together. She also claims that she was an 'enabler' in these behaviors.

The day she left I started therapy, once a week, but she will not come. I know she is angry, deeply hurt, and probably feeling betrayed and disrespected. I've also given up and gotten rid of all computers except my work laptop. I no longer want to live that lifestyle now knowing that it was causing such emotional distress in our relationship. I have been reading any and all relationship help books and learned a lot about the mistakes that both she and I made. I've done Dr. Phil's Relationshipp Rescue and Gary Smalley's various books as well as several others. I see so many ways to improve our relationship, and I truly believe that if she can just open up once more I can be the man she needs me to be. The man I want to be.

I spoke to her for the first time in awhile last Friday. She said she wants to get together but really only to talk about divorce issues. I am torn apart. I believe she still loves me, but hasn't forgiven me. I don't know what to do. Generally I would try to give her as much space as she needs, but now I wonder if I've given her too much. I feel that time is running out because she is in the process of talking to lawyers and possibly filing, but at the same time I don't want to pressure her with constant advances. All the books say to work on my core, which I have, and to show love and affection to her as I want it to be. So I want to talk to her and tell her I love her, and write her letters and cards, and make her gifts. But I am terrified that by doing all this that I will make it worse. I truly believe that she just hasn't dealt with it and has pushed it aside. She goes out all the time with her friends and doesn't wear her ring and calls herself divorced.

My heart is torn out and destroyed. I am losing hope and faith. I believe this woman loves me and if she can just forgive me a little bit I can make amends and show her that I can support and love her in the manner that she needs, but I do not know how to open her up. I can't think of much else right now, so I will write more after responses. Thank you.