I have been dating this girl for about a month and a half now. I told her in the beginning that I didn’t want to rush into anything. Therefore, I haven’t really stepped things up between us yet. I guess she is getting a little impatient now because she basically gave me an ultimatum saying that either things progress between us or we stop seeing each other. I really like this girl but not sure if I am ready for anything serious. Right now I am content with what we are doing (dating, spending time together). I have not had sex with her yet so I guess we are both a bit sexually frustrated too. I basically want to keep things the way they are and add sex into the mix. But I know the instant I have sex with her she will assume that we have got something serious going on. I really like her but it’s not as deep of a connection as I would like it to be at this point. So I’m on the fence as to whether I should move on or keep pursuing her. Would it be fair of me to keep her around while I’m sorting out my feelings? I don’t want to give up on her, we have so much fun and I enjoy the way things are now. I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Should I move forward with her or move on to avoid hurting her?
If your gut is telling you that she will want more than you if you have sex with her, then don't have sex with her. In other words, let her go and spare her the grief. You would appreciate the same if you were in her shoes, right?
Move on and sort your feelings out on your own. While you are sorting, maybe you will meet someone else who is doing the same and will not be interested in anything more serious than just having some fun and sex.
I'm in the situation where I'm the girl. I think you owe it to her to be honest to her. Then let it be her decision whether she moves on or not. And if she does, let her go unless you find that you do want a serious relationship with her.
If you want to add sex into the mix - no problem, but be UPFRONT WITH HER ABOUT YOUR EXPECTATIONS i.e. sex with no strings attached.
Otherwise, she may assume that you want to take the rel'ship more serious (why do we women jump to that conclusion once sex is in the pic? UGH).
As long as you're honest with her, it's then up to her to make the decision.
If she says YES ... and then later on down the road catches feelings for you, that's a whole 'nutha mess. But by then, at least you can say you covered your a$$ when you told her you wanted to be fwb.
Good Advice Prim and Proper. Be open and tell how you feel.
Big mistake.
Telling a woman how you feel in a moment of weakness is simply putting a target on your heart and a sign that says, "To rip out heart, tear along this line."
You were already clear when the relationship started that you didn't want to rush into anything, and obviously she was OK with that because she stuck with you. But if she now wants the rules changed, you have to determine in your own mind, heart, and in your own time if it's really what you want to do.
It may sound constructive to be open and direct with her, and under normal circumstances that's usually the best approach. But if you think this through to a conclusion, it will undoubtedly turn into an emotional outburst which you cannot win.
Back off. Define the future with her on your own terms. If she feels strongly enough about you, she'll respect that. If she doesn't, then you already have your answer.
Telling a woman how you feel in a moment of weakness is simply putting a target on your heart and a sign that says, "To rip out heart, tear along this line."
You were already clear when the relationship started that you didn't want to rush into anything, and obviously she was OK with that because she stuck with you. But if she now wants the rules changed, you have to determine in your own mind, heart, and in your own time if it's really what you want to do.
It may sound constructive to be open and direct with her, and under normal circumstances that's usually the best approach. But if you think this through to a conclusion, it will undoubtedly turn into an emotional outburst which you cannot win.
Back off. Define the future with her on your own terms. If she feels strongly enough about you, she'll respect that. If she doesn't, then you already have your answer.
Good luck.
Interesting how the advice is completely contradictory depending upon who you ask and the gender of the respondent. I always feel that honesty is the best thing, especially when it comes to relationship and feelings. If you tell her the truth and she really livkes you enough, she may give you time to make up your mind. If you back off, she may think you are not interested and move on. Or if you continue your course and really don't a relationship with her, she will put you down as a *******.
Btw, there are a lot of advice written out there about men who aren't ready for relationships or who are uncertain. Many people believe that it just means the guy is not ready for a relationship with the particular girl. But I think that's really just blanket advice. I think the thing to do is to determine whether that person is trustable and whether you believe him or her when they say "i'm not ready."
Thanks for all of the excellent advice guys. Just to give you a bit of an update, this girl has expressed that she is falling for me hard. I can also honestly say that my feelings have started to grow more for her since my original post. I took slubberdegullion’s advice and decided not to lay all my cards out on the table because I think he had a very good point about the emotional outburst thing. However, we have discussed the possibility of just being friends and we both concluded that we would not be completely satisfied with that. I do feel like a relationship could come out of what we have now and I would say that this is progress for me since I didn’t entertain the possibly of a relationship at the beginning. But again I told her I’m not rushing, so a relationship is a bit far off right now. Though she didn’t come out and say so, I’m guessing that she is going to remain ok with me not wanting a real deal relationship right now because she agreed to go away with me this weekend. With everything that her and I have discussed at this point if the opportunity for sex presents itself this weekend, I’m going for it. Who knows…maybe sex will be exactly what we both need to move forward in a positive direction.
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